I approach most desires
like a competition; can I
**** better than him;
can I be famous at twenty-
-three since he was famous at
twenty-four -- I must be able
to sink better than him.

God, it is exhausting. I
feel like I'm dancing with
a machine; a phantom that
I can never catch, for it runs
on my blood; my insecurities;
my passion -- and, boy, oh boy,
can I attest to having plenty of
  that stuff, ladies and germs.

I think, truly, that I am
encompassing the American Dream
I think is utterly flawed; that I think
is futile in nature; that I am sure of
is the closest thing to Hell, in this
Godless, spiritually motherless
dark shoebox of sudden collisions;
this space of useful and useless
results, splayed onto and into
our hearts, asking for reverence.

There is nothing  I want more
than to be sure that my importance
is not illusory. I am not sure if
I am real.

I fell for you
Under the stars of a cloudless night
A night the big dipper shone so bright
You could see the water spilling out of it
Falling into the little dipper
Then over flowing into our hearts
I fell for you

I fell for you
Under the soft glow of a distant street light
As we swayed on swings
And I watched the rays of light
Play hide-and-seek with your skin
Trying to catch you still enough
So it could glow you like an angel
I fell for you

I learned of you
Through back channel grape vines
And locker door vents
Four AM phone calls that left crickets jealous
Listening to our heavy breaths of in love dreams
Pass through the receivers
I learned of you

I learned of you
Through tears that might as well have been daggers
Stabbing my heart
As I wrestled your secrets from the back of your mind
Through your tear ducts
And kidnapped your true feelings
In body bags from the bottom of your heart
I learned of you

I stayed with you
When learning wasn’t fun anymore
But our hearts weren’t settled in
And the comfort of silence
Fell to the wayside of sin
And your brain made your heart feel used
And your heart made your body feel abused
And your body made my heart feel abused
I stayed with you

I stayed with you
When stars were no longer visible
Drowned out by city lights
And crickets were silenced in fear
By the sounds we made at night
And surprises and picnics
Were just apologies
And our song was just a reminder
Of what I forgot about you
I stayed with you

I fell for you
Down a flight of stairs on a rainy night
When our lips didn’t mind the company
Of staring eyes
And your ferruled eye brows
Reminded the big dipper how to shine
I fell for you

I fell for you
Barefoot in sand the sun shining down
On a comfortable day in June
Which came so soon the sun hadn’t left his mark
On our left ring fingers yet
The waves from the ocean weren’t crashing the rocks
Letting the priest preach his sermon in peace
Whose words we couldn’t hear
Staring straight into your eyes
I fell for you

I fell for you