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 Nov 2017 blue mercury
cameran
one time we sat in the car for six hours and went back and forth playing our favorite songs and told eachother things that would be shameful to say to anyone else. i liked talking to you and looking you in the eyes because they were dark brown, almost black, and i could see myself in the reflection of them every time i looked. i think you developed a nicotine habit that night, i think that was the only development either of us made. the windows fogged up and i started sweating but i didn’t tell you to turn the heat down because you liked it warm and i would do anything for you. you told me i broke your heart three times but i told you that you broke mine hundreds of times so i win, but the truth was, that wasn’t much of a victory at all. you asked what it would be like if we dated. if we broke up. if we ******. if we never saw eachother again. if we fell in love. i said all of that would be easy for us and you agreed. that one time i loved you. i loved you with your tired eyes and unwashed hair and same outfit worn three days straight. i loved you for six hours and you loved me. but not actually. you dropped me off at midnight. you got back together with your girlfriend by eight at night the next day.
one time i pathetically sat in a car for six hours and got my heart broken (again) the next day.

or

one time i realized i needed to move on.
 Nov 2017 blue mercury
gmb
i left her on the side of the road near the rookery in southern indiana. her body was still warm, not as warm as the time she told me she wished she had a thousand teeth but not yet as cold as the time she grew them all at once and stuck them in me. she taught me many things, like how to forget and how to see through the cataracts and necrosis. she kissed my face and told me i was beautiful and boiled me in a metal bin inside the barn and watched as my skin separated from my bones as easily as slicing butter. she assured me i looked prettier this way, all bones and flaying meat and a thousand little exposed teeth i had no idea were in me.
 Nov 2017 blue mercury
iva
my god with bramble & lightning bugs
******* in his hair, he kneels with
brown earth palms pressed to the unquiet dirt
and hums a childhood melody.

my god with flowers on the riverbank,
ankles slick with mud & the dead things that lay just underneath. he whispers, how proud i am of you, how hard you tried, i hope you were full of love, i hope you loved, i hope you love —

my god with rosewater & candle wax,
watches me bless another girl with the softest kisses
a sinner can musterwipes my tears away with callouses
worn down gentle.

the light breaks.
there are no trumpets nor blood,
only his laugh lines beaming bronze in the sunlight.
hey uhhhh jesus wasn’t white & god loves the gays!!!
so i think it might be best
if i try to
separate myself for awhile
ive been opened up so far
but honestly its quite exhausting
all the reaching out and wondering who cares
who cares enough to reach back
so i think it might be best
if i close my doors for awhile
because i am so tired
i just need to sleep for a little
and recharge
maybe i can try this thing again a little later

*but im just so tired.
Anxiety and depression are the only friends i know.
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