All my life,
I've been asking "why?"
Questioning things
Yet one answer remains
"So be it"

Love is sometimes near.
As near as hugs yet still trying to get closer.

Love is sometimes special.
It's discovering new things and embrace them.

Love is sometimes warm.

But some other times,
Love is far.
Sometimes it's untouchable nor reachable.
But you won't feel the distance.

Love is basic.
Sometimes it's the same old things that happen continuously.
But you cherish it anyway.

Love is cold.
Sometimes it's much colder,
And yet you can feel her warmth.

Because,
Love is there.
Every single day.
Every single night.
Every second.
Every blink of an eye.

Left to right got you.

'1. Acquire your target, scout them for a while before you make your move.
2. Make your move, approach them blatantly and get to know them.
3. Talk to them every day, every night, or even every single time. You need to put your effort in this step.
4. Ask them about their day, about their work, about every ******* single thing that come up to your mind.
5. Open up to them. So that they can open up to you.
6. Open up more, about every childhood trauma, family-related stuff, about past relationships. Open up about your past.
7. Open up more, about your plans and what ifs, about promises, about your future that you might share with them.
8. Open up more, about yourself, about how you love to hug them, how you love to spend time with them, how you.... Need them.
9. Open up more, about your true feeling towards them, about how you love their smell, their voice, their glares. About how you love them.
10. Open up more. Until you have nothing to open up.
11. Don't open up, hide something from them, lie to them if necessary. Do your best to keep those lie believable. Deny those lie when they find out. Say no to every single question they ask.
12. Open up again, about the truth. About how you felt sorry for lying to them (if it's true).
13. Open up again, about how you don't want them to go.
14. Open up again, show your vulnerability by crying out loud to make them stay.
15. Open up again, open the door so that they can leave, with their heart broken.
And probably yours too.

There is a list of things that I wish I remember.
First, ...............
Oh no, nevermind, I just forgot what the things are.

But I'm sure that there are things that I just can't forget.
Like the first time I saw you and the first time I talk to you. It might sounds cheesy but I just can't forget about it.

I can't forget the way your mouth curled up when you smile, or the way your eyes disappear when you laugh.
I can't forget your sparkly eyes when you talk about your day.
I can't forget your hand that shy to hold mine.

I can never forget the warmth of your hug, nor the tears you gave when you had a rough day.

It's hard to forget that I love you.
And the fact that I am loving you right now.

No, I don't want to forget you.
Not when I'm in love with you.

But there are things that I wish I remember, that the sparks are temporary, that you might one day look at me the way you look at your classmates, that your mouth might not want to say any love words, that your eyes might seems straight and empty when you look at me.

Those things, will eventually break my heart. Since I keep telling myself that you're the love of my life at least every time I look at your pictures. Since I keep saying that you're the one, whenever I read the old conversations of us.

I wish I can always remember that those pains will eventually come. But I can't. I am too busy denying those facts. So, I end up forgetting it.

I wish I remember other things, like the way you mad at me when I broke my promise. Or the way you ignore me when I became too protective. Or the day when you don't even want to touch me because you were so angry.

Yes, there are things that we wish we remember, that spark is temporary, but love might be permanent.
That love is not just about the times when we hug, but also the times when we fight.
That love is not about the first days of our lives, but it is about the journey.
I wish i remember that love...
Will leave.

What's the meaning of deep inhale?
If the tar clings to lung while smoke exhaled
Cancerous
Yet brutally devoured like carnivorous
Venomous
Yet corroding slowly like oxidous

What's the meaning of a sip?
If the alcohol kicks in a dip
True
About being blue
Flew
Up into the sew

What's the meaning of a romance?
If memory leaves as the pain stays
Sorrow
Gone as a throw
Grow
Indisputably slow

What's the meaning of life?
If everything seen is a lie
Null
As it dull

Act I - Prologue

When things didn't end well
They often make my eyes swell
For all the time i borrow
It mostly ended in sorrow

Act II - Different

I think it's gonna be different
How on earth that I'm one of the constant
Things should change
Else I'm the one who's derange

Act III - Constant

I was wrong
Like that one song
That's already recorded
It's unchanged

Act IV - Epilogue

I was never good at farewell
So, do tell
Come closer and speak
About the kind of ending you seek

I used to think that i know love really well.
When i try to be sweet by picking her up.

I used to think that love would cover the mistakes.
Small one, or big one if love is strong enough.

But no, mistake is a mistake. Love is love.

Love is seeing her watching movies.
Smiling and somehow trying to cuddle me.

But no, it's about listen to her words.

Love is sad when she's away.
Missing her around and sometimes call her.
Love is arguing over small things.
And laughing later on.

Love is spending time together.
Sharing poems about future.
Love is expectation. This one is pretty dangerous.

Love will sad when you used to be mad.
Love will cry when your tears dry.
Love will love when you're afraid to leave.
But love will leave when you're in love.

Can people change? That's one of the hardest question I've stumbled upon.
I've seen so many people change throughout my life.
My parents, my family, my friends.
Everybody's changing.
But when i look into a mirror, i don't just see glass that reflects light.
I see such an unchanged math problem that we might known as constant.
I see, myself.

Being constant is not the same as being consistent.
It's not a wordplay that everyone could mix it up.
Those two not even homophones.
Being consistent is sometime a thing that we could be proud of.
And yet being constant is
an illness that I haven't find the cure of.

I'm not saying that it's uncurable.
What I'm saying is
I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of being an unchanged variable that doesn't know how to change.
I'm sick of being a constant that is easily scratch out in a derivative.
Who are scared of the slightest change that eliminates.
I'm sick of being a constant that is negligible during a definite integration.
Who are disposable when the such circumstances are known.

All I'm saying is,
I'm sick of being a constant.
And for now,
I want things to change.

I hate repetition

Falling in love with someone
Seeing them
Skipping my heart a beat
Having butterfly in my stomach

I hate repetition

Falling in love with someone
Trying to get to know them
Communicating through chat
Talking to them with awkward pitch

I hate repetition

Falling in love with someone
Wanting them
Needing them so bad
Getting attached

I hate repetition

Falling in love with someone
Loving them
Loving them everyday and night
Loving them like a stitch

I hate repetition

Falling in love with someone
Trying hard to not hurt them
Extinguishing the spark
Ditching or being ditched

I hate repetition
Loving them
Loving them
Loving them

I hate repetition
Hurting them
Hurting them
Hurting them

I hate repetition
Being broken
Being broken
Being broken

I hate repetition
I hate repetition
I hate repetition
I hate repetition

I hate repetition
I ******* hate it.

I was once complete.
All axioms fulfilled.
All operators well-defined.
All systems consistent.

Although,
Subtracting a set by itself,
Creates
A null set.

I was once complete.
All axioms fulfilled.
All operators well-defined.
All systems consistent.

Although,
Adding a null set
To another set
Changes nothing.

I was once complete.
All axioms fulfilled.
All operators well-defined.
All systems consistent.

Although,
The completeness
Is not from myself.
It's not premade.

We were once complete.
All axioms fulfilled.
All operators well-defined.
All systems consistent.

Although,
The completeness
Has gone.
Thus, i am a null set.

That pattern
Occurs periodically.
Despite all the vern
I still hurt myself regularly.

Those ricocheting projectiles
Travel uncontrollably.
Hitting them who smiles
Wounding them miserably.

This is not a sanctuary
Not a place to survive.
This is a void, where no one can hear me.
Screaming, "Help! I'm eating myself alive."

I don't know what to say
Because
I don't know if i'm able to
Because
I don't know what to feel
Because
I don't know if i'm able to
Because
I don't know what to know
Because
I don't know if i'm able to
Because
I don't know
Because
I really don't know.

All the sparks and heat that i'm excited about,
All those adrenalins that rush,
All those fires i ignite,

For the sake of pleasure,
For mere instantaneous joy,
For a relief i never thought i seek.

I never meant to hurt anyone,
I never meant to burn anything precious,
I never want to

Yet, all those ignitions,
Are long overdue.
For once, i burned my home down.

Alright kids, let me tell you a bed time story.
This is a story about love.
About falling in love in first sight.
About how true it is.

Chapter 1.
The love of my brief life.

There was a girl. Her name reminds me of flower.
Every morning she blooms and radiate a good scent that boost my serotonin up.
Some part of me said, "i need to pick that flower"
And so i did.

Days after days, that flower become prettier.
I fell in love.

The more i know about her, the more i fall in love.
Her scent might be temporary, but the rotten things she keeps, they intrigued me.
So i studied about her.
The flower that blooms.
I studied her until it eventually wilted.

Chapter 2.
The rebound that last longer than i think it will.

This one is about a girl that her name sounds like sun.
She rises, give lights to dark edges of earth that might not want to get up.
She shines, give lives for those who needed her while exposing all the sad faces out.
She is warm.

But not for a long time.
Until clouds take her lights away from me.

She fell in love with the cloud.
While I, dropped in tears.
Crying about the dead flower.

Chapter 3.
The hope.

This one, is about goddess.
Giving me shade to hide from the sun and clouds.
Giving me something to lean on when i'm down.
Giving me hope.
That she can grow as many flowers i want.
Or as many suns i needed.

Just like actual goddess,
She give me strength.

Chapter 4.
The truth.

Kids, this one is about me.
This is about me ******* everythings up.
I might/might not ******* this one.
But let me tell you the truth, kids.

This is not a story about how i met your mother,
This is a story how every one of them is almost become your mother.
This is a story how i shouldn't end up alone while in fact i might.
This is a story about you guys, might not be exist.
This is a story about me, crying in my own funeral while burying myself and giving myself an eulogy.
This is a story about how i almost complete.
And yet, i might/might not ***** up right before the finish line.

So kids, if you ever exist, let me tell you something.
All of that stories are true loves.
But, you can't fake a true love, no matter how true it is.
You can't trust anyone just like you can't trust your heart.
In fact, you can't trust me either,
I'm the one who speaking with the non-existent.
Maybe i'm rumbling
Or God knows,
Maybe i'm talking to the future.

Life once asked the death
“Why do people hate you but love me?”
She asked him curiously
“It’s simple.”
He answered.
“That’s because i’m the painful truth.
And you are the sweetest lie.”

Life was still curious
“What if there are someone who thinks that i’m the painful lie?”
She asked.
“Than, they would think that i’m the sweetest truth.”
He smiled.

I’ve been taught by my mother
That it’s much better to tell bitterest truth
Than sweetest lie.
It’s much better to be honest.

I’ve grown up and learned something
That sweet lies are things that most people seek.
They learned, they fell, they woke up and they walked
By the things that we knew as sweet lies
Life taught me so.

I’ve grown up and learned something
That most of people were frightened by the bitter truth
They know that things existed
They know that, that bitter truth would come
And they would run away, even though they couldn’t.
Death told me so.

But when life hits me hard once.
I know that beautiful lie aren’t beautiful after all.
So is life.
And that teaches me something that i believe until now.
That death is our best friend.
‘Cause he’ll come to us.
It’s just a matter of time.

I’ve been taught that it’s better to be honest.
But we live in things that contained with lie
And i’ve learned from death.
That he'll never tells the truth even though he is the truth itself.

So if you don’t understand what life is
And what death is.
You won’t be able to understand me.
Neither the words that i'll tell you.

That this might be the last lie
From all the bullcrap that spilled out from my mouth
I don’t love you anymore
And i never do.

Hey, do you remember me?
The one who loves you with all his heart.

In this particular moment, I don't have the ability to see through time.
So I don't know what us look like in your time.

If something good happens, then I'd still be by your side. Hug you tight and kiss your face. And everything will be all alright.

But if the future isn't as good as i thought it will, i want you to know some things. Or if i have ever tell you those things, i want you to remember.

Right now, at the moment i wrote this, you are the most beautiful woman i see. Your outer and inner beauty radiates so that i can feel it all the time.
I am so in love with you.
I can't never stand the idea of you leaving.
Nor the idea of leaving you.

I feel loved by your existence.
I feel loved by every words you gave,
By the gentle movement of your hand brushing up my hair.
By every single second you hold my hand.
Every hugs, every kiss, every love words, every gaze. Everything.

Right now, i don't care about what might happen.
I don't care about what future might bring.
I love you.
At this moment, I love you and i'm in love with you.
In the next 5 seconds, I still love you and i'm still in love with you.
In the next 5 minutes, I still love you and i'm still in love with you.
In the next 5 hours, I still love you and i'm still in love with you.
In the next 5 days, I still love you and i'm still in love with you.
In the next 5 weeks, I still love you and i'm still in love with you.
In the next 5 month, I might still love you and maybe i'm still in love with you.
In the next 5 years, god i hope i still love you and still in love with you.
In the next 5 decades, please, i really wish i'd still be in love with you.
Because loving you, is the best thing i ever had in my life. And i hope it will last throughout my life.

If things went well between us, then i'd still be loving you the way i love you now. Or maybe even more.
But if things didn't end well, then i probably still be loving you this way. I'd be out there and probably waiting. Because i know/wish, we'll end up together.
Or else, I'll be in a deep misery.

This room is somehow mine.
Though, i don't feel like where i belong.

This room, is empty. Just a single bed that doesn't remind me of anything.
I wish memory works as easy as opening up files from old computer. Most of the time, it doesn't.
It doesn't work when i needed them. But, it will probably work, it will probably work when we are about to shut our brain down.

This room, is so isolated. Things that are actually there, dispersed. Slowly vanished into thin air and left me with my own thoughts.
Things that are actually there, weren't even there at all. Not even the air i breathe. I slowly choked, by the so-called void. Because all the things that are supposed to be there, are not there at all. But in the next morning, they are there. Especially, the baggage i've been carrying around that sometimes drive me nuts. They were all there, right next to the photos i wish i never threw away.  

This room, is red. The blanket is red. This soft blanket that somehow won't recall any memories. Old sweater hanging in between new ones. Even a thing called memento doesn't work. It won't work, because memory never works that way.
Memory never works. You keep putting your favourite pair of socks in the place you sure you will notice and you will remember, you did put it there.

Yes, You did put it there so you don't have to waste your time finding it, you did put it there so you just wear it whenever you want or whenever you need to, you did put it there so you don't have to lose them, you did put it there because it's the 8th times you lost your favourite socks this month. Deep down, you are convinced, you did put it there. You did, because you pretty sure you'll need it.

But look at you now, marching around the room, barefoot, cluttering things out from its place, searching, thinking, remembering, contemplating, "Where the **** did i put it?!", Feel stupid, sometimes crying, trying so hard to stay sane, angry, subconsciously banging your head into the wall for no reason, keeping yourself away from sharp things because they might hurt you, reading old poems out loud so you don't have to read it twice, burying your face into the pillow, screaming, wiping out tears, falling asleep and waking up.
Realising that you will never find it.
Accepting that you lost it for good.

You know what you really want, when you seek for love. Attention, affection, affirmation, etc. You know you'll get it, if you choose to love me. It might sounds like my ego or my narcissistic side. But it might be true.

It might seems like a tinder profile. But here is a list of things you'll get from dating me:

1. When you choose to love me, you'll get a complete package of a drama movie. You'll get joy, sweet words, happiness, and of course, love. But you'll also get tears, anger, disappointment, and it could end up in a broken heart. So you have to be ready.

2. When you choose to love me, you have to be prepared to listen all of my what ifs and dreams. You have to be prepared for living on a prayer because i'm so ******* good at being patient and grateful.

3. When you choose to love me, you'll learn an interesting things about me. But you have to know that i'm the only one who think it's interesting. Others just think it's madness and messed up.

4. When you choose to love me, you have to learn to handle me at my worst. You have to be mature enough to admit that you're sorry. Because i definitely won't be afraid to do so.

5. When you choose to love me, you have to take down my ego. Then, you can easily conquer me.

6. When you choose to love me, you have to be a home.

When you choose to love me, you'll get everything you ever dream of. But baby, let me tell you something. I'm a comfort zone that you really have to be brave to step out of it. I'm a short escape from reality that you always seek. I'm a sweetest dream you'll ever get but **** they were always right about waking up.

Nihilism in cancerous
Mutating uncontrollably
Growing silently

But, with or without cancer
People die anyway
Whether quickly by a bullet
Or slowly by a disease
Or simply, heart choosing to rest.

Death is inevitable
Whether it chose to come suddenly
Or it's been waited patiently.
It will come.

Without caring when and how.
Whether when we're alone,
Or when love was already gone
Or leaving love alone.
It will ends.

Everything will leave,
Everything will gone,
Everything will end.

I've been numb enough for long enough
To realise that i'm trapped in a void.

Like a comatose, my body functions
Yet, i can't speak
Mouth mumbling trying to make a sound
I can't see
Eyes wide shut
I can't feel
Heart beats just because

Like a comatose, i can't escape
So many way out, yet my body resist.
Options exist, yet nothing matters.
Not even matter matters
Not even your matters matter.
It doesn't matter.
It never matter.

Does the term "perfect couple" really exist? Maybe one day you'll find someone who really understands you. Someone who knows you're crying even though
you aren't.
Someone you wish you had in your entire life.

Maybe two love birds that chirping in the morning are actually having a fight.
Or maybe mantis eats the male's head because she really love him.
And maybe we never see love that way.

Maybe having someone to count when you are vulnerable doesn't considered as love. Maybe wanting to having someone is not love at all. Maybe love is not like what we see in our parents marriage.
Or in a failed marriage.

Maybe crying at the middle of the night when you miss someone is not a cry for love. And maybe crying when you lost someone is not as well. Maybe the terms "love" shouldn't be exist. Or shouldn't be defined by human.

Maybe love is never about having, it's about letting go. Maybe love is never about keeping, it's about moving on. Maybe love is not about me being your partner, it's about me being your brother even though i know i'm not.

Maybe it never works the way we thought. Maybe when we hold onto something, it will hurts us.
Maybe love is never about a start, it's always about an end.
Maybe it's always about sacrifice, not your time nor mine.
But our hearts, or yours.

And maybe that's why they called it "falling in love".
Because it'll hurt us sooner or later.

How funny it is to remember
How a tree lives its life to the fullest
Ended up as a log for me to sit

All of its memories vanish as it is
Like nothing ever happened
Nor ever exist.

The lake of memories
Got its name from its lack of memories
Just a massive crater for water to fill.

The memory-less water
That shaped accordingly to its vessel
Its memory lost as soon as it's transferred.

I wish they have that memory
I wish they realise that their memory lost
That their memories
Did matter.

I wish i didn't have the memory
To remember that memory
will gone eventually
Whether fading out slowly
Or lost instantaneously.

I wish i didn't have that memory
I wish i didn't realise that my memory lost
That my memory
Didn't matter.

Need
Is a strong 4-letter word.
So is love.
Like homophones, those two easily mixed up.
Sometimes those two rhymes.

I don't know since when you chose to leave.
What i already know is that you never accept me anyway.
But there was time when you make me feel my presence.
Not just that, but also my existence.
That one beautiful moment for me who keep coming back to you.
Or maybe i never really come into your life.
But it's okay, life is full of confusion anyway.

There are so many words i'd like to say.
But i know you'll laugh at it all the way.
Because maybe you think i'm a joker and you're one of my masterpiece.
I don't know why god made it this way.
Like a beautiful rose that filled with thorns.

It's the third time for me to let you go.
But saying "goodbye" for me is just another "hello".
Like we usually do.
Like we did it now.

-
I thought i was done
Having a pillow talk
With my own thoughts

This conversation is end-to-end encrypted
But why does it only have one end?
I thought i was done

I thought
I finally be able to get some sleep
I thought i no longer needed to be sedated
Although, the sedation needs me to be inhaled.

I thought i can end this episode
Beautifully written as a good romance
I thought it was done.
I thought i was done!

I thought
I thought
I thought
I already had too much to thought