I would love to be soft.
I am razor edges.
I am bitterness.
I am grudges.
I am a bad cup of coffee and I’ll never go there again.
I am might even write a bad review, or 200.
I am rough and angry.
I am betray me once and I’ll pretend you don’t exist.
I am ruin your life, wish you never met me.
I am a fight with words instead of fists.
I am I know words hurt more.
I am proud to win that fight.
I am hateful.
I am don’t forgive and definitely don’t forget.
I am cut you off quicker than I cut my wrists.
I am scary.
I am don’t tell her or she’ll never talk to me again.
I am how could you take someone else’s side.
I am you’re not my friend anymore.
I am you’re not my family anymore.
I am *******.
I am **** on your name.
I am not forgiving.
I am not approachable.
I am not tender and loving.
I am not kind.
I am venom.
I wish I could be soft.
I wish I could be give more chances.
I wish I could be forgive and forget.
I wish I could be mistakes happen.
I wish I could be soft curves and gentle caresses.

I wish I knew.
Had I known before it happened,
I would’ve slowed down time.
I would’ve spent more hours kissing you.
I would’ve spent more time memorizing your face.
I would’ve spent more seconds holding your hands.
I would’ve spent more days wrapped up in my bed, that had become ours, lazily in your arms.
I would’ve lost hours of sleep to listen to your heartbeat.
I would’ve looked into your ocean eyes longer.
I would’ve brought you more places, made more memories.
I would’ve spent more time laughing, less time mad.
I would’ve spent more days smiling, less days sad.
I would’ve held you longer, loved you harder, been happier.
I would’ve made us work.
I would’ve loved you better.
Had I known the downfall was coming,
maybe I could’ve stopped it.
maybe I could’ve stopped time, where we stood and clung to you.
maybe I could’ve changed the outcome.
Little did I know the sad days only get sadder, the mad days only get longer.
And all I am clung to is the memory of what once was. And the ideas of what could be.
There are no could or would be’s where are now.
Where are we now?
The longing looks, the soft, romantic touches, the silent begging of more time together.
The love we make while we have the time to make it.
The secrets, the lies, the deception.
The angry words, the soft sorrow that follows.
We are not where we could be, or would be.
We are not where we’d like.
The universe cries, I cry harder.
The sky cringes when the door shuts; all the shame behind my bedroom door.
The nearly inaudible “i love you”s, shared between two secret lovers, who were not so secret months ago.
Hidden love, hidden anger, hidden regret.
Why are we here now?
I could’ve, I would’ve, made it last, had I known- but there’s no could or would, there’s only now.

I will never forget the feelings inside of myself when my father told, and retold, the story of falling in love with my mother.
I must have asked him to retell his tale a million times in the 22 years I had to hear it.
So when I say I knew what he meant, it is because his words are embedded in my memory.
It is not often you come across the love of a lifetime. It is not often your soul pulls you to another.
The first day I met you I just looked up at the sky.
Every second of every day, since then, my soul has been fed.
You’re an angel sent from up above to guide me into the life of love i was meant to receive.
Daddy gave you to me.
God told him he had to intervene or I would end up not knowing what love really means.
“Bring your daughter this boy and watch her bloom, you’ll have no worries on earth once he enters the room.
There’s not falling in love required when a soulmate is placed in your path.
She’ll remember his face from lives in the passed.”
After you entered my life, things became clear. there was no clouds in my sky, nothing left to fear.
My father always told me, you’ll know when it’s right.
I saw you, and I knew he was showing me my light.

getting bad again sounds a lot like,
its autumn again.
a lot like,
the time change is lurking around the corner.
a lot like,
it’s been raining for a week now.
a lot like,
oversized sweaters, beanies, ugg boots.
a lot like,
sipping hot cocoa without being able to taste it, without caring about burning your tongue.
a lot like,
worrying about the calories around the holidays.
a lot like,
seasonal depression isn’t ******* seasonal but getting bad again could have fooled me.
a lot like,
screaming your favorite screamo music at the top of your lungs at 2am.
a lot like,
combat boots, and winter gloves.
a lot like,
i only smoke when i’m sad.
a lot like,
i’ve been smoking a lot lately.
only because i’ve been colder lately.
only because i’m getting bad again.
getting bad again sounds a lot like,
im home for the holidays.
if i make it that far.

i want to be loved like those pills my dad swallows.
i want to know my home like i know the smell of marijuana.
i want to be held like my dad used to hold me until he was being held by a drug addiction.
who says i can't have daddy issues? sometimes i think i would have been better off if he had left when i was a child. i used to beg my mother to leave him.
i can't blame him, right? it runs in the family.
i have so much more of him in me than i'd ever like to admit.
i imagine myself doped up on some drug, any drug, falling into his arms, screaming
are you proud of me now, daddy?
i want my children to know love as well as i knew why my dads "friends" were coming over.
i want my children to be as happy as i was when my dad was clean.
i want my children to know the love i hold for them because i never knew the love my dad had for me.
i never want my children to compete for my
love.

I wish time space travel was real, like in Interstellar. (it's funny really, I went to see that movie with the boy I tried to date after you. after 3 months I hadn't even tried to kiss him, I just kept thinking that he's too tall, and his hairs too short, and he doesn't appreciate the sky or call me princess.)

but if I could travel through the time line of space I would visit the dimensions in which we made it. where forever exists inside of us.

I want to see our daughters hair, I want to see if she has your blue eyes and your smile, God I hope so. I want to see you throw her up in the air and catch her and blow a raspberry on her tummy. i want to watch you teach her self love, and teach her what kind of man is allowed to love her. I want to hear her call you daddy, I want to see your face light up.
I want to see our son. I hope he's like you. I hope he's kind and smart and loving. I hope he cares just as much as you do. I want to watch you teach him respect, and how to love correctly.
come to think of it, I just hope they're like you in every way. I know how great of dad you will be, without having to see it.

I want to see the dimension where we get married. I want to see my wedding dressing, I want to hear the story of how we fell in love. I want to see the love in your eyes that says you want to stay forever. I want to see the dimension in which you stay forever. I want to see my signature with your last name attached.

I want to fast forward to see our children grown. I want to see what we made, who we raised. I hope they're happy. I think we would have made them happy.

I want to see the holidays with your family and my family and our family. I know in this dimension you're the only gift I ever need.

I want to see the fights, the blowouts, the hard times. I want to see what we made it through. I want to see how we handled it. I want to see how we made it last forever in this dimension.

I want to fast forward to when we're old and grey. I want to see your wrinkles. I want to see you with a cane in one hand and my hand in your other. I want to see the smile lines on our faces from the life time of happiness we created. I want to see the love radiating off of us.

if I could travel through time and space I would want to see the dimensions in which you stayed, in which we found each other at the right times. I want to witness the love I felt so deeply continue. I need to see what we would have made for ourselves. I need to see that the love was real, if only time space travel was.

texts I've written but never sent:

let me start off by saying over a million times I've gone to text you those three sacred words but I've long realized they mean nothing to you coming from me.

I have so many times typed out a long and thorough text including everything good and bad about my day to you because you're the person I share everything with- expect, I'm not allowed to do that anymore so I spend 5 minutes backspacing my story.

referring to my previous dilemma, I've often wanted to ask you every detail about your day. every single time I've had the guts to type out a simple how are you, I've also had the guts to refrain from texting you.

there's so many questions I've spent a life time wanting to ask you, specifically. questions about the universe, love, life, death. questions that secretly beg you to come back. why did you leave? silly questions. stupid questions. but I've never been stupid enough to send them.

**** her. *******. loud, screaming, angry, texts. texts that go into great detail how you've hurt and betrayed me. explanations on how I know you've never loved me. angry and mean, out of the pain my heart was going through, words that I could never stomach to say to you.

I don't want to live without you. but I could never allow myself to guilt you into my life.

come back come back COME BACK. I think I've screamed come back into my phone so many times that, to this day, my phone even flinches when I say those words. those texts were always so pointless to send I didn't want to put myself through that pain.

along with the phrase come back, I've screamed/typed/cried the word why in my messages so many times I think it automatically capitalizes itself to show the emotional damage. I just always knew I'd never get a real answer.  

for some reason I have tried to say I'm sorry to you more times than I'm proud of. I'm not sure what I have to apologize for but I think I wanted to try to see if it would make anything better. I don't think I ever found a good enough reason to say it though.

I need you. the three words that probably helped ruin whatever we had in
the first place. I've been so low in the past year so many times that all I needed was you in some way, shape, or form. the many panic attacks, lows, and break downs I've typed this phrase out during, I never once sent it because I knew you wouldn't be there, anyways.

I think I'll always miss your voice. but like the words I need you, your voice is something I many of times wanted to beg for because of the affect it has on me. I was always too afraid to ask this of you, for the fear that I would start sobbing at the sound.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I was so ******* scared of never hearing it back.

last time I wrote about being homesick I was writing because you finally made me feel at peace but now I know that was just an illusion you created because you knew how badly I wanted a home.
I feel as if I will always be searching for something, anything, to take the intense emptiness away. I don't know when or where I left the pieces of me that make me whole but I was so sure you had picked them up on your journey to finding me. if home is truly where the heart is then my home is little places in each person I've given it too.
I think my biggest problem is I'm stuck searching for somebody to be my home instead of searching for who I really am. I just don't know how to want to find myself. if I knew where or why I left myself behind I would probably ignore it.
my whole life I've had this sense of wanderlust and I was so sure you cured me. I can't seem to understand where it is I need to be. I have no idea where my home is. I feel as if I was put here to find my place in this world but I took the wrong path and decided to find some body to be my place.
this path has lead me to be evicted from home after home until I've lost count of how many people have promised me forever and then decided this house was too crowded. I'm terrified that even if I found my self, my place, my meaning, I would be too much and yet again be evicted, left empty.

let's get drunk and tell eachother everything we're afraid to say sober. and by that I mean you sit and listen to everything I'm angry about. if your voice mail was set up it would probably be full of venom. id like to repeat to you every lie you ever told me over and over again until you're sobbing. remember when you told me I was the last girl for you? that's my favourite. sometimes I read the letter you sent to me and I can't help but laugh. thanks for proving "just because they said I love you first doesn't mean they'll love you last" is true. what's it like realizing you let the best thing that ever happen to you go? I hope you're happy settling for second best. remember that time you chose drugs over me? I can't keep count. I'd like to pretend that you really care how I'm doing but I get the feeling we both know it's not true. remember that time I told you to run if you were going to leave because it was now or never? you told me the same thing; your now must have been more extended than mine. sometimes it comforts me to know we live under the same sky, then I think about the time you told me you would box the sky up for me if you could. how does it feel to know I can't see a sunset without cringing?

Promises I need you to make me (and her):
1. promise you will never call her princess; for both of our sakes.
2. promise you will never make her wonder if you're going to come home. always find your way home at the end of the night.
3. promise you will tell her you love her, every day, every time you think it, say it.
4. promise you will never put anything before her: drugs, friends, work, Airforce. don't make her feel like she's your second choice.
5. promise you will remind her daily how happy she makes you. if you find yourself miserable more than happy, promise you will leave; for both of your sakes.
6. promise she will know she's beautiful. daily, hourly, remind her. scream it from the rooftops. make her feel like the most beautiful girl in the world, I know you're capable of doing it.
7. promise you will tell her you love her in front of your mom, every time. and in front of hers.
8. Promise you will remember her birthday, it's so important. remember your anniversary, remember her moms birthday. but most importantly, remember hers, please.
9. Promise you will let her in. I know it's hard when you're hurting, but she loves you. promise not to push her away, confide in her, do not close yourself off. she can tell when something's wrong, let her in.
10. promise you will love her. love her more than anything, love her with every bone in your body, make her the happiest girl in the world. I know you're capable of making someone so happy they forget they hate themselves, make sure you do that. but more importantly, let her love you. you deserve it.

I guess it's my fault.
I started a family with your fear of commitment.
I fell in love with your "maybe's".
I ignored the way you closed your eyes as you spilled sweet lullabies from your mouth.
I created a future with you following behind instead of tagging along.
I guess it's my fault.
I fell in love with a man only capable of feeding off lust.
I attached myself to a person who was more of a season than a human.
I let myself think that just because I heard the words "I love you", I was loved.
I fell in love, with someone incapable of loving me back.
I'm sorry I'm so angry at you when it is really my fault.

I'm sorry I require so much patience, I know how tiring loving me must be.
I'm sorry my walls are more like towers, but they were never keeping you out I swear.
I know I'm probably the most challenging project you've ever had to do but I swear I'm trying.
I wish the cut from when he left didn't stop me from trusting. but how am I supposed to trust when he handed me the bottle of pills he so many times begged me to flush?
I'm so ******* sorry it will take me extra long to open up to you but I promise you, I PROMISE YOU, my heart is yours to take. my heart is beating your name.
I'm sorry I'm always so sorry but I feel like you deserve the world.
he left and I'm scared you're going to go. I promised myself I wouldn't let myself trust again but my ******* walls begged for you when I met you. I like to say I'm strong enough to go through losing anyone else, but I swear to god I'd be on the floor begging you not to leave if you ever thought of going. every "I love you" has a suttle mention of "stay" lingering. if I could say I need you, I would. please.

sometimes I become so frustrated with the word love because it doesn't hold enough value to express how I feel about you. it is almost as if I have to repeat it several times, "I love you I love you I love you so much", before it even begins to hold such a meaning.
nothing makes me happier than when you refer to the future as ours. I can't wait for the day you wake me up with kisses and coffee instead of waking up clutching my phone.
I honestly believe the reason I have always felt so homesick and such an intense wanderlust is because I've always been so far from you. (and just to prove my point, I woke up homesick again.)
the day I met you I felt the dirt in my chest get heavier but little did I know, the flowers were finally being watered.
and the day I fell in love with you I felt an explosion in my chest and I thought it was my heart but it was really the flowers blooming. it is almost like you are creating a garden for my demons to play in.
you make me want to keep breathing and it's so relieving. there isn't a day that starts with my wishing I hadn't woken up because I am always awoken by you.
I may be an angel but I swear you are a piece of the sun, shining light in my darkness. every day makes me believe more and more that you are the pieces of myself that I was missing for so long.

There's not a planet, nor galaxy in which I would choose you second to any other.
I live in constant fear of you realizing you're almost as crazy as me for loving me.
I fell in love with the way it seemed your name was already carved in to the walls blocking my heart.
I fell in love with the way you took your time with me.
I fell in love with the way you made me forget that I am filled to the brim with profanity-screaming demons.
I need to know you can love me when the dusty demons in the dark corners of my mind take over and my hands betray me by making me bleed.
I need to be the only drug you ever need to take again.
I want to trace the word "mine" over and over again on to your back until you fall asleep every night.
I want to hear you tell me you love me every day for the rest of my life.
I am eternally jealous of every girl who has ever received a peice of your heart and eternally jealous of all those who have had your body.
I'll spend my whole life learning everything I can about you.
a cool date would be me having a panic attack at the airport because I'm so nervous to meet you and then crying when I realize you're finally holding me.
all I know is that before I met you I wasn't scared to let the demons back in. now, that's the last thing i want to do.
we're an ocean apart but I've never felt so close to someone.
I think that no matter how many times I am told a person cannot be a home or a happiness I refuse to believe it because I think they can be.

I've said before I'm not very good at poetry but that seems to be only when I'm going to write about you and I guess it's time for a trip down memory lane.
the nostalgia of our friendship cuts like the blades you used to beg me not to use (but you never really cared it was all part of the plan)
I remember so clearly your favourite line to use to get me to calm down, "I've been with you this long, why would I leave now?"
so tell me why 6 months later you told me I wasnt important to you? you exploded that night with all the hurtful things you had been holding in for two years.
two years is a long time to lie to someone. I'm impressed you held it together for that long. but I guess at some points you needed me. you needed me to cry to about the girls who would never love you but now that I think about it, it was probably part of the plan.
I remember all the promises you made, and I guess I was so naive to believe them because in your letter you told me you were naive to make them.
all I ever was to you was a charity case. something to make you feel like you were making a difference in the world. like maybe if you saved a broken girls life a few time it would make you a good person even if in the end you lead her to attempt taking her own life. I hope you go to hell.
I think the worst part of sharing two years of my
life with you is the fact that you know all my secrets and my darkest corners and my favourite lines. and the fact that no matter how long I go without seeing you there's pieces of you in everything. like the way I spell favourite or colour with the "u" and how every episode of my favourite show will remind me of the night you held my hand while we watched it.
it just hurts because you broke not only my heart but me entirely. I've said it so many times before but I will never be able to trust someone else like I trusted you and it's scary because I'm afraid I will never fall in love again.
I guess at some point I became more than you bargained for and I'm so sorry for that.
I wish I could say I hate you but I'd probably let you back into my life if you asked yet I never want to see you again in fear of breaking down.
I wish I could stop writing about you but I miss you in my bones. *******.

you're gone physically, but it's not that easy.
you're still here in the way that I can't let anyone else know how I despise every inch of myself.
you're still here in the way the marks on my skin won't let the memories fade.
you're still here in the way where your broken promises make me cackle just as I'm promised a simple text.
you're still here in the way as when your name is casually mentioned I cringe.
you're still here in the way that I can't seem to trust those who are most sincere.
you're still here in the way that youre embedded into my veins, your key still fits the locks in the towers of my mind.
as much as I'd love for your physical absence to bring the absence of your memory in my mind it does not. your memory lies in the dungeon of my towers and your key is tightly placed into the key hole. as many times as I change my locks that ******* key fits
and that's why I won't let anyone that close even though your place needs to be filled. because you physically left and you took the part of my mind that knew how to be strong and how to tell the right from the wrong.
you're gone physically, but it's not that easy.

I have a hard time stringing together the correct words to form art but I'm going to try my best because
you make me feel like singing from the tallest building and
somehow there is a light in my eyes and it's not jusg the reflection of your words on the screen but rather the way you make me feel
fills me up to the brim of my eyes and I don't know how to handle that
you make the voices hush and sometimes they even join in the song with me and I have to admit that  has never occurred before
it's like you help me like myself and I never even dreamed of knowing how it feels to be okay with myself
you help me fill this vacant void in my soul and I don't know how to correctly put how much id like to thank you into words
the only time I don't completely hate myself is when I'm talking to you and oh my god it feels amazing
I have never found myself looking forward to a conversation that I count down until the person is out of work but my days drag when your messages aren't lighting my screen
and I can honestly say I could get used to waking up to your messy morning hair and the way I wake up with my eyes lit

I don’t know how to deal with the fact that I’m probably always going to be over weight and that no matter how many people tell me I’m beautiful I will never be told I’m skinny and even if someone does fall in love with me they will be the one with the bigger wife and I don’t want to be described as bigger I just want to know why I wasn’t taught to love myself and why kids are ever taught the word fat and I want to go back in time to strangle whoever decided what weight makes you fat or how weight has to do with self-worth and I don’t know how to deal with the body I’m stuck with forever

you left.
and apparently that left me with more problems than I'd like to admit.
you left.
and my walls are so high that sometimes I don't even know what is happening in my own mind.
you left.
and now I'm terrified. I'm scared. but mostly, I'm sccared.
you left.
and I can't let anyone in. I can't believe anyone would even waste their time having a conversation with me.
you left.
and now everything anyone tells me is a lie.
you left.
and I don't think I will ever be able to fully trust another male again.
you left.
and I wish you didn't take my trust with you. because there are some people that deserve my trust so much more than you do.
you left.
and now I believe everyone else will, too.