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Hallee Jun 18
I would love to be soft.
I am razor edges.
I am bitterness.
I am grudges.
I am a bad cup of coffee and I’ll never go there again.
I am might even write a bad review, or 200.
I am rough and angry.
I am betray me once and I’ll pretend you don’t exist.
I am ruin your life, wish you never met me.
I am a fight with words instead of fists.
I am I know words hurt more.
I am proud to win that fight.
I am hateful.
I am don’t forgive and definitely don’t forget.
I am cut you off quicker than I cut my wrists.
I am scary.
I am don’t tell her or she’ll never talk to me again.
I am how could you take someone else’s side.
I am you’re not my friend anymore.
I am you’re not my family anymore.
I am *******.
I am **** on your name.
I am not forgiving.
I am not approachable.
I am not tender and loving.
I am not kind.
I am venom.
I wish I could be soft.
I wish I could be give more chances.
I wish I could be forgive and forget.
I wish I could be mistakes happen.
I wish I could be soft curves and gentle caresses.
9/16/18
Hallee Jun 18
I wish I knew.
Had I known before it happened,
I would’ve slowed down time.
I would’ve spent more hours kissing you.
I would’ve spent more time memorizing your face.
I would’ve spent more seconds holding your hands.
I would’ve spent more days wrapped up in my bed, that had become ours, lazily in your arms.
I would’ve lost hours of sleep to listen to your heartbeat.
I would’ve looked into your ocean eyes longer.
I would’ve brought you more places, made more memories.
I would’ve spent more time laughing, less time mad.
I would’ve spent more days smiling, less days sad.
I would’ve held you longer, loved you harder, been happier.
I would’ve made us work.
I would’ve loved you better.
Had I known the downfall was coming,
maybe I could’ve stopped it.
maybe I could’ve stopped time, where we stood and clung to you.
maybe I could’ve changed the outcome.
Little did I know the sad days only get sadder, the mad days only get longer.
And all I am clung to is the memory of what once was. And the ideas of what could be.
There are no could or would be’s where are now.
Where are we now?
The longing looks, the soft, romantic touches, the silent begging of more time together.
The love we make while we have the time to make it.
The secrets, the lies, the deception.
The angry words, the soft sorrow that follows.
We are not where we could be, or would be.
We are not where we’d like.
The universe cries, I cry harder.
The sky cringes when the door shuts; all the shame behind my bedroom door.
The nearly inaudible “i love you”s, shared between two secret lovers, who were not so secret months ago.
Hidden love, hidden anger, hidden regret.
Why are we here now?
I could’ve, I would’ve, made it last, had I known- but there’s no could or would, there’s only now.
2/6/20
Hallee Jun 18
I will never forget the feelings inside of myself when my father told, and retold, the story of falling in love with my mother.
I must have asked him to retell his tale a million times in the 22 years I had to hear it.
So when I say I knew what he meant, it is because his words are embedded in my memory.
It is not often you come across the love of a lifetime. It is not often your soul pulls you to another.
The first day I met you I just looked up at the sky.
Every second of every day, since then, my soul has been fed.
You’re an angel sent from up above to guide me into the life of love i was meant to receive.
Daddy gave you to me.
God told him he had to intervene or I would end up not knowing what love really means.
“Bring your daughter this boy and watch her bloom, you’ll have no worries on earth once he enters the room.
There’s not falling in love required when a soulmate is placed in your path.
She’ll remember his face from lives in the passed.”
After you entered my life, things became clear. there was no clouds in my sky, nothing left to fear.
My father always told me, you’ll know when it’s right.
I saw you, and I knew he was showing me my light.
12/20/19
Hallee Nov 2017
getting bad again sounds a lot like,
its autumn again.
a lot like,
the time change is lurking around the corner.
a lot like,
it’s been raining for a week now.
a lot like,
oversized sweaters, beanies, ugg boots.
a lot like,
sipping hot cocoa without being able to taste it, without caring about burning your tongue.
a lot like,
worrying about the calories around the holidays.
a lot like,
seasonal depression isn’t ******* seasonal but getting bad again could have fooled me.
a lot like,
screaming your favorite screamo music at the top of your lungs at 2am.
a lot like,
combat boots, and winter gloves.
a lot like,
i only smoke when i’m sad.
a lot like,
i’ve been smoking a lot lately.
only because i’ve been colder lately.
only because i’m getting bad again.
getting bad again sounds a lot like,
im home for the holidays.
if i make it that far.
Hallee Dec 2016
i want to be loved like those pills my dad swallows.
i want to know my home like i know the smell of marijuana.
i want to be held like my dad used to hold me until he was being held by a drug addiction.
who says i can't have daddy issues? sometimes i think i would have been better off if he had left when i was a child. i used to beg my mother to leave him.
i can't blame him, right? it runs in the family.
i have so much more of him in me than i'd ever like to admit.
i imagine myself doped up on some drug, any drug, falling into his arms, screaming
are you proud of me now, daddy?
i want my children to know love as well as i knew why my dads "friends" were coming over.
i want my children to be as happy as i was when my dad was clean.
i want my children to know the love i hold for them because i never knew the love my dad had for me.
i never want my children to compete for my
love.
Hallee Apr 2016
I wish time space travel was real, like in Interstellar. (it's funny really, I went to see that movie with the boy I tried to date after you. after 3 months I hadn't even tried to kiss him, I just kept thinking that he's too tall, and his hairs too short, and he doesn't appreciate the sky or call me princess.)

but if I could travel through the time line of space I would visit the dimensions in which we made it. where forever exists inside of us.

I want to see our daughters hair, I want to see if she has your blue eyes and your smile, God I hope so. I want to see you throw her up in the air and catch her and blow a raspberry on her tummy. i want to watch you teach her self love, and teach her what kind of man is allowed to love her. I want to hear her call you daddy, I want to see your face light up.
I want to see our son. I hope he's like you. I hope he's kind and smart and loving. I hope he cares just as much as you do. I want to watch you teach him respect, and how to love correctly.
come to think of it, I just hope they're like you in every way. I know how great of dad you will be, without having to see it.

I want to see the dimension where we get married. I want to see my wedding dressing, I want to hear the story of how we fell in love. I want to see the love in your eyes that says you want to stay forever. I want to see the dimension in which you stay forever. I want to see my signature with your last name attached.

I want to fast forward to see our children grown. I want to see what we made, who we raised. I hope they're happy. I think we would have made them happy.

I want to see the holidays with your family and my family and our family. I know in this dimension you're the only gift I ever need.

I want to see the fights, the blowouts, the hard times. I want to see what we made it through. I want to see how we handled it. I want to see how we made it last forever in this dimension.

I want to fast forward to when we're old and grey. I want to see your wrinkles. I want to see you with a cane in one hand and my hand in your other. I want to see the smile lines on our faces from the life time of happiness we created. I want to see the love radiating off of us.

if I could travel through time and space I would want to see the dimensions in which you stayed, in which we found each other at the right times. I want to witness the love I felt so deeply continue. I need to see what we would have made for ourselves. I need to see that the love was real, if only time space travel was.
here I am still writing about my ex again.
Hallee Aug 2015
texts I've written but never sent:

let me start off by saying over a million times I've gone to text you those three sacred words but I've long realized they mean nothing to you coming from me.

I have so many times typed out a long and thorough text including everything good and bad about my day to you because you're the person I share everything with- expect, I'm not allowed to do that anymore so I spend 5 minutes backspacing my story.

referring to my previous dilemma, I've often wanted to ask you every detail about your day. every single time I've had the guts to type out a simple how are you, I've also had the guts to refrain from texting you.

there's so many questions I've spent a life time wanting to ask you, specifically. questions about the universe, love, life, death. questions that secretly beg you to come back. why did you leave? silly questions. stupid questions. but I've never been stupid enough to send them.

**** her. *******. loud, screaming, angry, texts. texts that go into great detail how you've hurt and betrayed me. explanations on how I know you've never loved me. angry and mean, out of the pain my heart was going through, words that I could never stomach to say to you.

I don't want to live without you. but I could never allow myself to guilt you into my life.

come back come back COME BACK. I think I've screamed come back into my phone so many times that, to this day, my phone even flinches when I say those words. those texts were always so pointless to send I didn't want to put myself through that pain.

along with the phrase come back, I've screamed/typed/cried the word why in my messages so many times I think it automatically capitalizes itself to show the emotional damage. I just always knew I'd never get a real answer.  

for some reason I have tried to say I'm sorry to you more times than I'm proud of. I'm not sure what I have to apologize for but I think I wanted to try to see if it would make anything better. I don't think I ever found a good enough reason to say it though.

I need you. the three words that probably helped ruin whatever we had in
the first place. I've been so low in the past year so many times that all I needed was you in some way, shape, or form. the many panic attacks, lows, and break downs I've typed this phrase out during, I never once sent it because I knew you wouldn't be there, anyways.

I think I'll always miss your voice. but like the words I need you, your voice is something I many of times wanted to beg for because of the affect it has on me. I was always too afraid to ask this of you, for the fear that I would start sobbing at the sound.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I was so ******* scared of never hearing it back.
I should've stopped by now
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