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Aug 2015
texts I've written but never sent:

let me start off by saying over a million times I've gone to text you those three sacred words but I've long realized they mean nothing to you coming from me.

I have so many times typed out a long and thorough text including everything good and bad about my day to you because you're the person I share everything with- expect, I'm not allowed to do that anymore so I spend 5 minutes backspacing my story.

referring to my previous dilemma, I've often wanted to ask you every detail about your day. every single time I've had the guts to type out a simple how are you, I've also had the guts to refrain from texting you.

there's so many questions I've spent a life time wanting to ask you, specifically. questions about the universe, love, life, death. questions that secretly beg you to come back. why did you leave? silly questions. stupid questions. but I've never been stupid enough to send them.

**** her. *******. loud, screaming, angry, texts. texts that go into great detail how you've hurt and betrayed me. explanations on how I know you've never loved me. angry and mean, out of the pain my heart was going through, words that I could never stomach to say to you.

I don't want to live without you. but I could never allow myself to guilt you into my life.

come back come back COME BACK. I think I've screamed come back into my phone so many times that, to this day, my phone even flinches when I say those words. those texts were always so pointless to send I didn't want to put myself through that pain.

along with the phrase come back, I've screamed/typed/cried the word why in my messages so many times I think it automatically capitalizes itself to show the emotional damage. I just always knew I'd never get a real answer.  

for some reason I have tried to say I'm sorry to you more times than I'm proud of. I'm not sure what I have to apologize for but I think I wanted to try to see if it would make anything better. I don't think I ever found a good enough reason to say it though.

I need you. the three words that probably helped ruin whatever we had in
the first place. I've been so low in the past year so many times that all I needed was you in some way, shape, or form. the many panic attacks, lows, and break downs I've typed this phrase out during, I never once sent it because I knew you wouldn't be there, anyways.

I think I'll always miss your voice. but like the words I need you, your voice is something I many of times wanted to beg for because of the affect it has on me. I was always too afraid to ask this of you, for the fear that I would start sobbing at the sound.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I was so ******* scared of never hearing it back.
I should've stopped by now
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