i want to be loved like those pills my dad swallows. i want to know my home like i know the smell of marijuana. i want to be held like my dad used to hold me until he was being held by a drug addiction. who says i can't have daddy issues? sometimes i think i would have been better off if he had left when i was a child. i used to beg my mother to leave him. i can't blame him, right? it runs in the family. i have so much more of him in me than i'd ever like to admit. i imagine myself doped up on some drug, any drug, falling into his arms, screaming are you proud of me now, daddy? i want my children to know love as well as i knew why my dads "friends" were coming over. i want my children to be as happy as i was when my dad was clean. i want my children to know the love i hold for them because i never knew the love my dad had for me. i never want my children to compete for my love.