am i allowed to consider myself as sad?

i know i am, but i don't feel the feelings all the time. like now, i don't even feel any emotions.

i felt them yesterday, but not now.

my head is still pounding but my feelings have seemed to stop working. i can't cry because i feel nothing.

i am empty.

my breath is steady but i know i'm not. i know my past will haunt me when i lay awake at night. i'm not afraid of the feeling, but of how they run my life. how they affect my view on life

i'm afraid that one day, they'll eat me alive and i won't be me anymore.

even though i don't know who i am anymore.

i wish i could go back and change my choices.

but i can't and im forever stuck with the guilt and shame.

I'm glad that I've been to my breaking point. It taught me to get back up and put the pieces back together. When you get up from the bottom you realize what's real and what's not.

But there's also scars that will last till the end, from the fall. The chances of falling again are higher and the same thoughts never seem to go away. The thought of wanting darkness haunts and the question of, if you should slice or not.

The med's seem to be working and you feel better.

But you don't feel like you've actually changed, when they all tell you that you seem happier.

But what you were really hoping for was a new person to come out of you're self.

And it didn't happen and you're stuck with the same old and surrounded by people you wish you could be. You're trapped.

How can I ever escape?