i want a smoke
to fill all my empty places
(**** there are
so many)

but it can't fill my
arms

so i guess you'll have to come and do that

i've decided:
i don't like christmas without you

my nerves made me a
'pleasure to have in class'
even as they chewed through my sanity
like a caterpillar through a cocoon

keeping to myself made me
'mature' and 'independent'
even as i made myself the **** end
of another self deprecating joke

people don't notice when i'm
'quiet' because i'm always 'quiet'
but being 'quiet' made me unproblematic;
the only thing i was good at being

so now that i need
help

i can't-- i can't

i wasn't ready to be a butterfly
i wasn't ready to fly at all

seven (7) drafts sitting lonely
seven (7) always was a cursed number

maybe that's why i can't write anything now

maybe i'll keep this in my drafts, too
so i can make it

eight (8)

frog
necklace
for
you

the purple dye in my hair
is fading

and i can't help but think
it's taking me with it