There's a weight in my chest
burdening every breath
I take

a set of words
that I don't really care about
but they pollute my body

Words I can't let go
but need to be said
I need to take the risk

for the consequences I can accept
I don't need you
if you think I'm a sin

I don't need you
you don't encourage me
you burden me

just like these words
I don't care about
but I know you do

but if I let them go
I save myself
and will have to deal with freedom from you

I wake up
every morning
I sleep
every night
just a cycle
of days, months, years
caught up in the cycle
of life, of death and in between
I have no dream
just a shell
of skin, of bone and blood
I'm empty
eventually I will be full
in months, in years, in decades
maybe I will never
eventually I will be full
of false images, unrealistic hope, unreachable goals
non of which I will reach
because I there's nothing
in my head, my dreams not even nightmares
nothing, just survival
when you're caught up in a cycle
where
I wake up
every morning
I sleep
every night

yesterday
I missed a chance
I missed the chance to tell you
how I feel
so my mind can be at rest
and my life become real
I couldn't tell you
those words
those words that replay
over and over in my head
for days, weeks, months
those words I need to be free from
I came so close
but my message was hidden
I need to break free
from this feeling
but I can't
I can't and it kills me
maybe next time
but next time I still won't be able to speak

I don't want to fight any more.
I don't see the point of this internal war
I have with myself
When I know the way I've felt
I sick of this mental barrier
and my tongue not being a carrier
of my words.
Like the birds,
I wish I was free
It could happen, I'll see
on that day
when I can say
the words I've been longing to say

there's a hole in my heart
and its growing
there's a hole in my heart
only words will fill
there's a hole in my heart
and I'm calling for help
there's a hole in my heart
and my screams are silenced by my  head
there's a hole in my heart
and it'll grow if nothings said
there's a hole in my heart
and soon I'll be dead

My thoughts twist
When I'm about to speak
And my head changes what I want to say
It's like I'm scared
Of my thoughts
But I'm not
I want to say something
But I'm hiding in a shell
A shell of fear
A barrier
Between my head and heart
That with 3 words could be gone
I want to speak
But I can't
And it's killing me

I need to stop being so abstract
No one understands what I am trying to say
I need to stop camouflaging my words
because the message is interpreted in a different way
I need to stop disguising my thoughts with a mask
and say what I ment to say
I need to stop shielding myself
from people who I know will hate
I need to be free
but every time I try my words get caught up and the message starts to hide
and the only thing that gets lost is another part of me
but no one sees that because it's hidden on the inside