she used to be okay.
always a smile on her face and
she talked with a sweet voice,
which is something i don't want to under state,
and she never really cared that she was
40 pounds overweight.

but now as she lays on the beach
and no boys and no girls look her way
she feels invisible, even while she dreams of
being able to tell her parents that she
might be gay.

her parents talk about her figure
and how she'll never compare to how her
sister looked when she was her age.
thin, toned legs and a stomach with abs.
after all, who wants to date a girl
with flabs?

she has a blog dedicated to the thin girls
who make her feel so bad,
it makes her feel less,
it makes her feel sad.

if only she counted calories and
if only she could fit in that size two,
maybe she's be the perfect daughter that
her parents wish they knew.

but even as she drinks a sprite and
takes all her bites in spite she knows that
if she was skinny then
everything would be alright.

all she needs a push and a pro ana friend and
maybe she can be the perfect daughter
again. She can't like girls and she
must skip dinner, by the end of the year her
bones and boyfriend will
show that she is a winner.

-r.a.

we talked about how I
seem to be noticing girls
more than guys.
how that the way some
of these beautiful women
speak
          look
                  act
                        are
makes my
lips quiver
makes my
heart skip beats
makes my
mind race with thoughts.

I thought maybe I could
control these feelings but
the dreams I have of the
faceless woman has shone
that I'm anything but
                s
         t
                    r
       a
               i
                      g
         h
               t

A hand rises out of the scarlet misery 
Saving grace, leaving trace
Pull it out
I see this crimson horror
In lieu of my salvation
Deception and Duplicity
I try to pull but it consolidates its hold on me
And it's me drowning in the red pool

It's crazy how you call once she goes to sleep.
You wanna talk when she out and about with her friends.
You wanna lean on me when she's not there to hear you out.

But that moment she's back to have that little talk with, all I get is a dial tone. . .

You want me to be your back up chick.
A fire hydrant sitting there waiting to be used.
But then again, some how I'm okay with that
Not really

I just want you to love me
But not the way that you do
If I can't have you to myself, I'm willing to take half of you.

I know it ain't right, but I feel so lost, I need a clue.

Man I'm just a back up chick,
I just wish I was the one you would choose

Away! away!
  Tempt me no more, insidious Love:
      Thy soothing sway
  Long did my youthful ***** prove:
  At length thy treason is discern’d,
  At length some dear-bought caution earn’d:
Away! nor hope my riper age to move.

      I know, I see
  Her merit. Needs it now be shown,
      Alas! to me?
  How often, to myself unknown,
  The graceful, gentle, virtuous maid
  Have I admired! How often said—
What joy to call a heart like hers one’s own!

      But, flattering god,
  O squanderer of content and ease
      In thy abode
  Will care’s rude lesson learn to please?
  O say, deceiver, hast thou won
  Proud Fortune to attend thy throne,
Or placed thy friends above her stern decrees?

I'll be strong today.
Nobody will know what is wrong, today.
Open my eyes
Watch the sun rise
As I start the burning process
I'll buckle under stress
As I continue hurting.

I Fill myself with hopes and dreams,
So why?
Why does the pang of hunger hang over my head?
Why isn't it enough, to make myself beautiful,
To make myself just get out of bed?
Each morning I'll be strong.

But I know it will never last
as I continue to hide my past.
I endure the present
and look forward to the future.
As if she hasn't taken that already.

If your bones
are brittle
then lover,
lay me down
with your arms
hugging my ribs,
counting the
length of
my flesh before
I decay
with you

Tender scalps
swollen lips
numb fingers
and bruised hips
tooth and claw
tear tender flesh
tears fall
the pain fresh
fingers clasped
sobs and gasps
...breathe
           I can’t
a sigh heaved
incant soft whispers
mantras in darkness
Chaos, my lover.