I fall in love
with people that fall
out of reach
my hands grasping
fighting to hold
that which can't be held
fleeting brushes of hope
that, over the years, hold
my heart down
and dry up my tears
to make those around me
nothing but ghosts
I'm caught up in
loving
I'm caught up in
loving

I have uncovered that there is no word that holds more sorrow than potential.
Fate lies as only an unwitting alibi,
Malice only a valcher in its wake.
Potential is the reaching, unavoidable canyon in the soul,
So very tainted and saddened for things that never existed.
It is a pitiful nostalgia for words never spilt to the floor.
For the kisses that never stained the lips.
For the fingers that never brushed the skin,
With the electricity that was never felt.
For the places that were empty of you.
Potential, I have found,
Is a human construction.
Sinisterly designed to haunt you with who you are,
Remind you of who you are not,
And the vast, treacherous difference between the two.
-

(I mourn you in all the things we had not been,
I mourn you in all the places we had not seen.)

this self-loathing is too much for me to bare.
i mean i bare everything:
the actions, the words,
the snickers with
an inflamed chest.
and the struggle cannot be conquered;
i am no soldier, no fighter - subhuman.
i struggle for a sense of purpose
like an infected toilet brush
or maybe a half-chewed pencil eraser. quality beats quantity
but i cannot quantify how many tears i have shed
or the glass-stained memories
that leave ****** scratches on mind.
all along there was no end to this journey,
but shattered dreams paint a more vivid picture
than happiness ever could.

"Give your heart a break from knowing his favorite color
Give your heart a break from dreaming about his lips and his eyes, remember the ones you spent countless nights getting lost in?
Give your heart a break from conversating with his shadow and start getting to know your own skin
Give your heart a break from drowning his phone in one sided apologies and hopeless "i love you's" you've done your best i guess and my darling I can't tell you why he is so cold hearted but I can tell you that there is a fire burning inside of you and your lungs are evacuated your burning building and it'll come out the right way in the end i promise and yes he's a **** but you hopelessly fall at his feet and can't help how the love you have found is killing you faster than a gunshot and quicker than an overdose, my dear I'm so ******* sorry he doesn't understand how much you love him and I'm sorry your veins have become untwined with his but you wanted to fall in love the contract clearly stated the consequences of loving this dangerous boy things are bad now but I know he'll come around i know it, after all once you fall in love the first time, you never really fall out of it but for now just do yourself a favor and give your heart break." (v.m)

"plan a" was to be cordial:
you said, "coexist."
we toasted with our cappuccinos,
"to coexisting," before replacing our masks.
smile. wave. be polite.
I suppose some dozen missteps by me rendered this plan
useless.

"plan b" is much harder.
put your hand on the table.
the knife comes down, quick,
press the hot metal to the wound.

amputate. cauterize.
use your friends as a tourniquet,
like the one I've been twisting you into for the last year
and a half.