There’s a difference between red and black.
If he hurts you, you should’ve seen it coming.
What were you wearing? What were you wearing?
They rearrange your vocabulary until you can’t remember thank you and help me are not synonyms.
If he hurts you, you should’ve seen it coming.
What were you wearing?
You can fall, but if some man doesn’t hear it, you didn’t make a sound.
What were you wearing?

I want you to stop talking about beautiful people like you are not one of them. I want you to look at yourself and smile and think about the ocean, how I loved you more than I loved myself. After this, there will be no more echoes. After this, there will be no more staying. I don't think I will continue to try an write you down in poems. I don't think I will wait up for you when I reach the border. You're a ******* tidal wave. A gunshot straight to the core and I hold my breath but fall apart anyway. You claw your way out of my ribcage like I am temporary, like you haven't kissed truths and secrets into the pale of my wrists. You were never that fond of my fire, but even when you realised all I've ever been is ice cold your hands still trembled when you'd come too close. And everything without you is quiet like the h in honest and the sounds you didn't make when you left. I love you. I thought the bruises you left on my hipbones implied you felt the same, but I'm not sure anymore. I am no longer myself. I handed you a knife so you could cut me open and into pieces, rearrange me any way you'd prefer but all you did was take it and stare at your hands like they weren't yours. Hit me with a closed fist and let me pretend it's your heartbeat. Tear me open until I'm nothing but truths, until I'm nothing but fire, until I'm nothing. Remember those nights when we'd stare at a clouded sky and you'd pretend to point out the stars? I'm different now. My bones don't break as easily as they did back then. You see, I still carry around the double edged knife in my left pocket, I still act like you were here once, I still act like I used to be good enough.

me, after i traced dirt up my arms and underneath my skin. i can still find you in my veins, turning blood into a maelstrom, this isn't what rain is supposed to feel like, i can taste wire fences on the tip of my tongue but i still can't get the smell of you out of my mouth

me, choking on dead air, static playing on an endless loop in my jaw, deaddeaddead i'm dead i can feel breath rattling in my lungs and i'm dead this must be what corpses feel like

me, imagining what corpses feel like

me, imagining what corpses feel like

me, imagining what corpses feel like

me, me, me, me, me, looped around three hundred times, me, not entirely there, me not there at all, me, me, me, dead dead dead, static, static, static, static, static, static,

me, rubbing rope burns into my thighs in the middle of a panic attack

me, imagining lighting myself on fire in the middle of the night

me, lighting myself on fire in the middle of the night

me, thinking about dying

me, feeling dead but not dying

me, clenching my hands so hard i can feel my entire body vibrating with it i'm a god i'm immortal hit me ******* hit me i swear to god i won't ******* bleed

me, static, dead, dead, dead, dead, ******* static on repeat, a record broken in three different places, static fuzzy on my slippery tongue

me, smashed to pieces, unholy lovely thing

me, blood blistering between my teeth

you, being lit on fire in the middle of the night

you, dead

CONGRATULATIONS
give me decapitated heads,this is my prize(everyone is out to get me)
dont throw away the axe, it's yours
(STOP SCREAMING ITS ALL IN YOUR HEAD YOU ******* COWARD LOOK AT WHAT YOUVE DONE)
everyone in the world is screaming right now
yourfaultyourfaultyourfaultyourfault
come on,******* **** me
CONGRATULATIONS**
and im dead by tomorrow night

ME, SCREAMING ON THE FLOOR THINKING ABOUT RIPPING PEOPLES THROATS OUT I WANT TO ****
I WANT TO **** MYSELF
ME, SCREAMING ON THE FLOOR THINKING ABOUT BLOOD AND GUTS DRIPPING FROM MY MOUTH AND MY HANDS I WANT TO ******* EAT SOMEONE
**** RINSE REPEAT, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT
ME, SCREAMING ON THE FLOOR TEARING OUT MY HAIR
ME, SCREAMING ON THE FLOOR THINKING ABOUT THE MATHEMATICAL STATISTICS OF SURVIVING A FALL OUT OF MY BEDROOM WINDOW
ME, SCREAMING ON THE FLOOR
ME, SCREAMING

and now i dont even ******* know how to care for myself because i was never told this could happen to me,
i wasnt supposed to get sick. i wasnt supposed to get sick.
all my clipped nails, my chipped teeth piling up like letters at an empty house,
spilling from the mailbox, a papercut waterfall.
the car sputters & stops. the pen scratches without ink and i try to read what a different version of me wrote,
what a younger self thought was poetry.
my mouth is empty but my pockets are full -
pepper spray/my tía's ring/a lighter i never use.
a lighter kept for strangers, for burning dry leaves, old letters,
my own tongue because blisters make it feel fuller, less hollow.
skinny lips, strong teeth, black tongue sharp and sleeping.
never had a cavity.never broke a bone.bandaging my feet before the blisters form, what do i do now?
you took my hand.
you took my hand.
you took my ******* hands. in a california summer,
dry golden grass like a wildfire dare, you said please don't leave me,
it's drought season and i'm choking on my spit,
you're taking all the rings off my fingers. you're swallowing my tía's ring.
does it taste like her cigarettes?does it taste like my sweat?
ive been thinking about you, you've been on my mind:
how do you burn a sunken bridge?
its broken but the the pieces lie heavy below the water,
twisting the current.
how do you open a letter five years unread?
avoided/ignored/forgotten as it slides onto the floor.i'm so afraid that ill never respond,
lay here till i petrify, a living thing turned stone.macerated in my own ******* self-pity,
dripping blame from gaping pores. you did this to me, you broke me,
you poured lead in my ears you left me deaf and afraid, i just want to feel absolved,
it's not my fault im sick. its not my fault i cant fix myself, its not my fault i dont try -
to try and fail is worse than to surrender before it starts.
excise the shame, cauterize the wound.call it a battle scar,
a mark of bravery and survival,
not a coward's brand, not the mark of cain.
killed your brother. slaughtered your counterpart, your mirror image,
an alternate you where you made different choices,
the ones that made you a good person and not a tumor,
bloated scourge in what could have been a healthy life.
empty fortress decayed behind the walls, i didnt build these to keep you out, i swear,
i just wanted to flesh myself out.
boundaries building up an empty breath,
making me appear more than i am, feel greater than i could ever be, but when you get inside there's nothing.
that's not my fault.thats not my fault. some people are born forests,
vast expanse of redwoods, moss softening the air;
some people are born exhales.
breathed out and dissipated.  
less than a lack.taking nothing; making only a still room,
stuffy air encased like innards; its funny how just a sigh can make me feel like im faking it
even though im the only one there,
even though i can still feel the ache in my skull,
eyelashes stuck to the palms of my hands.how does it feel not doubting life?
how does it feel to know in five seconds, air will swell your chest again?im on unsure footing,
a crumbling ***** (i know its just me.i know im being paranoid,
chill out you said i held my breath while you climbed dont fall dont fall oh god)
when did this happen?who poured fear into me like
swampwater in a wineskin,
never feared falling when i was young.
i just want to not hate myself but i guess thats a pipe dream,
******* stupid, ******* useless ******* incorporeal ******* fake laugh when theres no one to hear,
fighting spiders for the right to sleep. (do your friends know youre a liar?
******* traitor, dropping love from burning hands: your silver tongue is tarnished,
youve been vomiting again,
stomach acid eating your throat from within. can you stop?)i just want to stop.
theres a ******* burning sun in my chest and god i know i should feel lucky but i dont wanna ******* live i just want to SURVIVE,
what ******* good is living if i just burn myself out by the time i reach 25?
im scared to die but im ******* killing myself and i cant ******* stop,
i just want to sleep but theres still a bite mark on  my wrist from my own ******* teeth there are so many people i feel sick,
they talk so loud,
i feel like i could ******* disintegrate
******* degrade into dust please i just want to leave but i dont want to be alone, let me stay dont let me burst,
i want to be so skinny my bones bruise my skin,
i want to be so strong i could ******* rip myself apart, dont lie to me.
dont love me just sit next to me touch me tell me im alive.
im alive, right?im real im here im not a dusty phantom,
gasping ghost ripping oxygen into incorporeal lungs,
god i want to SCREAM just so i know im not ******* DEAD past the skin is there any sensation past the surface
i want to wear my ******* throat raw tear my muscles to shreds to know i can feel something that isnt shallow surface nerves, PLEASE!GOD!
make my lungs burn make my bones crack i want to feel something that i know is REAL prove im real prove im not an empty shell please im still alive but bites dont go past the skin,
i want to see my ******* heart pulse like the realest part of me,
proof i need proof i want faith i want to believe in unproven things, how can i ******* believe im real?
im ******* faking it just like everything else,
bluff till its true but i never ******* learned how to be TRUE I NEVER LEARNED TO LIVE PAST THE SKIN and if you peel it back all you'll ******* find is
rot,
gangrene, necrotic flesh and electric fear, dont ******* touch me i feel like i could ******* explode,
i feel crushed compressed into a space too small for my body and itll crack any second.
please ******* punch me in the gut. please ******* crack me open i dont ******* trust myself to keep my heart beating,
please rip it out im ******* faking it!!
faking laughs for an empty space faking fear for phantom spiders and thoughts of death, im ******* faking it but how do i ******* STOP
I DONT WANNA LIVE LIKE THIS BUT IM SCARED TO ******* DIE

I FORGOT TO WASH MY HAIR FOR TWO WEEKS IM ******* SLIMY ALL OVER DO YOU STILL WANT TO KISS ME
this isnt a ******* pride parade **** me with your eyes open
**** me and say "god,the smell of you"
the stench
******* spiders crawling out of my mouth i smell like a gutter turned into a bomb shelter
im an epidemic
ITS ******* ART THATS WHY I RIPPED OUT YOUR THROAT ITS ALL A METAPHOR DONT YOU SEE IT NOW
let go of me. let go of me--slime central
home of the world famous gutter babe
******* ******* shut up ******* **** me
bury your pride and the ******* ****** weapon in one line its not that complicated
but i want to be messed up, or i used to want it
or i will want it
i can feel everyone vibrating with the force of it all and somewhere you're laughing at me
chains around your ankles
this is what it takes to **** a martyr
this is what it takes to swallow him whole
go out guns blazing
WELCOME TO YOUR DARKEST HOUR
**** the switch, or turn the lights off, or whatever
put a blindfold on when you stab yourself
put a blindfold on me when you pull my intestines out with your bare hands
desecrate me
im not a tomb but im a funeral pyre
bodies are my specialty
sorry, i misspoke
what i meant to say was, "i want to **** myself"
but i won't, not when the meats so fresh, lick blood off of my kneecap
YOU WERE ALWAYS GOING TO BE THE SACRIFICE
sentiment is for liars and thieves
(im both but you dont know that yet, it hasn't happened yet--shut up, I'm telling the story.this is my fall from grace,not yours)
bite your tongue bite your teeth too in fact
just bite yourself ******
its better this way, or whatever you want to hear
what am i supposed to say to a graverobber? do you want me to thank you,is that what this is about?
*******, *******, what the **** are you still doing here, anyway?
i hope you rot
i hope we both rot
(AND HERES THE PART WHERE YOU SAY "I ALWAYS LOVED YOU" AND HERES THE PART WHERE I CUT OFF YOUR HEAD)

hello **** hello scourge of the earth,hello bloodbath
this is what you get for being a vampire.and i'll say, 
god,what kind of monster is this? god,you're pathetic. 
now this,now this,now we're holding hands through the sunset, 
now this.
stop writing sonnets for dead heroes 
i'm no hercules,no sweet moonlight 
no sweet sorrow,no sweetness for you tonight. 
i dip branches in blood,i'm the bearer of the holy cup, 
don't waste firepower on storm clouds. 
and you say, look at the mess you've made, body counts dripping down your tongue 
what an easy ****. the target was painted on before he was born 
serenade me cherry sugar sweet, 
and i say,what happened to massacre. 
this is the part where i apologize for my own mind 
i'm sorry about all this, 
static electricity.cassette tape crawling up your windpipe,sorry about the mess.
and,and,and. 
wine and something filthy 
teeth crumbling in your hands 
this was a home once.and over here,this was a battlefield once.
your nose is bleeding all over the place,god youre disgusting,clean up this ******* mess
and you say, remember me 
and i say,im ******* blind.this is your fault.
i never meant to **** them,this isnt me
andandand
(and the dust settles and here you are,stench of the century,in your rightful place
welcome to the holy land,you putrid,filthy thing)