Gabby K

Gabby K Nov 2015

Flood

When I think of rain I think of you
And the night that it all began
The thundering dismantling of everything that was once
“us”.

The overpowering hymn of the rain
Crashing onto the hood of your pickup
I’m gripping you firmly up against
And as my cries crack into the air
Striking you right there
Making your feelings
Spark.

You really did it this time.
You ****** up because
I ****** up because
You ****** up because
I ****** up because
You ****** up because
I ****** up because
You ****** up because
Who started it?
I can’t remember and it doesn’t matter but
It's easier to say
YOU ****** up .

Everything ceases
And in a flash
I am melting into you
And I only smell the sweet spirit of fresh grass
And the damp cotton bonding to your shoulders
And your breath pressed against mine
And the harmony of
“us”.

That hot spring storm
Was the day have melted a little too far.
We became a flood.
And we drowned in
"us".

#love #drunk #regret #pain #rain #you #thought #me #spring #cheese

Gabby K Oct 2015

Quitter

Quit Date:** 10/27 11/1

A billow of smoke wallowing down the side walk
A Marlboro dangling from my lips
Enveloped by gentle sniffles
My glassy doe eyes ringed in charcoal,
Tracing cars whizzing around me like bullets,
And I think about pulling the trigger.

A shuffle and a lean, a simple solution
And as my body collides
With these guzzling hunks of metal
United with the afterlife through searing edges
Flinging my soul from this hollow cavern,
To be reborn in a new shell, or
To greet the most intelligent engineer, or
To hover in between dimensions, or
To be blinded by an ebony cloak of darkness, or
And deafened by an infinite silence.
This ensemble I longed for years ago.

And the sting of the needle
Flashed before my eyes like these swimming headlights.
And it’s 2011, attempt #2, I think,
I’m in my room,
I close my eyes,
I wait to die.
I open my eyes,
I’m in the hospital,
A mummy wrapped in saline-pumping tubes.

And I realize I’m bad at killing myself.
And I realize I won’t feel his finger nails on my collarbone.
And I realize I won’t hear my mother’s piercing cackle,
And I realize I won’t see my brother’s band on tour.
And I realize I won’t smell grass after it rains.
And I realize I won’t ******* name on his tongue.
And I realize I won’t ever get the chance to tell everyone that I’m so happy that I’m bad at killing myself.

I sit on the curb,
With a tight chest,
Shaking hands,
And a stupid grin.
Enough is enough.
I’ll quit smoking the day after Halloween,
This is my last pack.

#love #suicide #life #death #thoughts #imback

Gabby K Jun 2014

Unspoiled Perfection

I’ve never thought that love is blind,
Yet somehow when the scars on my heart appeared on my skin,
You could read them with perfect clarity,
Diligently running your weathered hands up and down the brail scrawled on my arms.

When I was having one of my tantrums
And I stopped breathing
And the city skyline swirled around me
You wrapped your arms around me
Said to calm down, to soften up
Because my rough edges sliced open your fingers
Every time you reached out to hold me.

I fell in love with your perfection,
With everything I couldn’t be for you,
And when I realized you weren’t perfect either,
I fell in love a little more.

Gabby K Dec 2013

5 minutes 19 seconds

When gentle, expressive croons dance through my ears,
I allow my mind to wander.

You have very neat handwriting for a man who never wears his glasses.
Your fingertips are softer than mine,
And your lips are never chapped.
The smell of smoke makes you feel alienated,
But your grandfather’s lighter is your most prized heirloom.

You told me that you liked to bathe in tubs of ice,
After you saw me
Because if you still felt my name in your limbs,
You weren’t truly clean.

When you looked at me kneeling on your kitchen floor,
It was like you swallowed gun power
Then exploded like those cheap fireworks.

Because, our mouths were always pressed together
I forgot I had my own.
I never had many opportunities to tell you how much I love you.

I pause the music.
I am now cloaked in silence
And 555 people have died.

Gabby K Oct 2013

I Don't Know

I know why I could only choke out “thank you”, instead of letting the “I love you”s that seethed in the pit of my stomach overflow through my useless mouth.

I know why I bit my tongue before I could allow my quivering lips to part and sing an aria of "forever"s dedicated to you. I would chew my cheeks to shreds until the taste of blood I yearned for coated the walls of my mouth. I savored the crimson slush, eagerly waiting for you to acknowledge me, your pet.

And when we finally kissed, you could taste the copper tinge on my tongue and the juice that lined my insides. It was a reminder that you’re holding something living. That I’m alive. That other human beings have feelings, and that this insignificant body, clinging to you like a newborn, was bursting with feelings for you.

I don’t know if I should be mad at you for leaving, or at myself for thinking that it would end any other way.

I don’t know how to tango, but I let you guide me with your two left feet for over two years. Now I’m stuck dancing the waltz of forgetting with your ghost. Our casual sways leave space for your name to linger, and every time his phantom hands twirl me around, your scent envelops me.

And I don’t know how I’m still in love with you when you’re in love with her.
I can’t turn that into poetry.
I don’t know how to make it beautiful.

Gabby K Jul 2013

Gogh

The tooth fairy will never build a castle
Of your yellow, stained teeth.
She only uses pearls.
But your crooked smile suits you.

On the day you decide to leave me,
You will chop off your left ear
And leave it with a piece of paper,
Your illegible scribbles:
I'm sorry, but it's time for me to Gogh.

This bit of flesh,
My last detached trace of you.
Of you and me.
And our flesh that never detached.

I know I'll muster up a smile,
When reading your corny joke,
While flashing my white smile,
Making your tooth fairy envious of mine.

And that's why I need you to leave without saying **goodbye.

Gabby K Jul 2013

SPRINTING: A GUIDE

STEP 1: Once it is all over,
And you are crushing your ribcage,
Hearing your brittle bones crack under the pressure,
As you try to nurse your battered, palpitating heart,
Remember.
Remember why you mustered up the courage,
To acknowledge the gentle, seductive voice
Beckoning your chest to open up,
Exposing your vulnerable insides,
Giving the wicked beast,
The chance to crush your heart once more.

STEP 2: Now run as fast as you can,
Before she can see you cry.
Ignore the burning sensation
Slithering up your flaming legs.
Dismiss your suffocating heart,
Begging you to release it
From your chest's tight grasp.

*STEP 3: Keep running.