I have years in my head that are just blurs
Sitting in a trailer park, smelling charcoal
Climbing a pine tree, sap sticking my palms
To whatever bark unhinges itself
Scraps that cling to the life blood
Of it’s origin

I have an orange creamsicle ice pop
Memory
That summer, the Dog my mom and dad rescued
Ran away
I think he died
Or maybe it was she
But I played like a princess on the frailty of a washed up
Playground, decaying in disrepair

Just happy for the orange creamsicle
I am free
In these moments

I sometimes forget
age is, in fact, more than a number
and experience opens minds otherwise tainted
I refuse the title of creep
or untitled
Letting go is nothing
I haven't done easily, before

You look so happy dressed in chains
Sorry you didn’t have that extra second to put a bullet into your brain
They died and the police came for you
You tried but you lost the ******* game didn’t you
Ain’t it funny no one cried
Ain’t it a shame you didn’t die
I bet you planned it out like you knew what to do
I guess that’s just how it goes when life puts fight into you
Right now it’s just a dream of mine
To see their misty eyes and the “please!” and the night
That descends all around their languished cries
I might kiss them goodbye
I might **** myself before I try
Before I see the last light leave their eyes
I’ve heard it felt like I won’t feel empty inside
I like that idea, I’d like that life

Big hands, oh his hands, wrap around my neck like you’re my pretty necklace
I said I could feel **** but I was lying
All I need is the violent leanings of mean men
When did you last ******, dear
I’m still itching to find us there

Take me down when you’d like to
I know you’ve planned it all out, I don’t doubt
You’d like to take my world away
The mask will stay
I’m on my way to being someone great

Do you believe I’ve done this a hundred times
Drug you along just to feel alive, I cry empty words
I bet you’d like to see underneath that hurt
Do your damnedest, try your luck
Drink the liquor, take the ****
Take it angry, **** me up

If I’d have known I would have stopped my games
But imagine all of your longing finally reaching it’s aims
I still wish myself dead and of you the same
Do you still want to do it for me
Do you still agree
Hold a ******* gun to my head or stick it in my mouth
Watch me cry and ******* to it
Shave your whole fist down my throat
And laugh and laugh and *** and gloat

Is this the rest of my life
I feel nothing and I don’t even like to
I’m just angry that I couldn’t even if I tried to
I’m just wishing I never had a life to live through
A true crime kid ***** because of ****, ******, and glibness
People using me is where it is

I've got my life lain ahead of me
If I go too fast, I'm floating back upstream
I will waste my time
It feels just right
and what's there at the end, anyway?

I see you look at me like I'm half- awake
but who's sleeping all day?
You don't know reality or perspectives can change
It's sad that this is not a game
I need three lives or four lives
I just need to change something

I just need to change something

Behind the dark of the house, I lie awake in silence
I look up at the sky before the clouds cover my glance
Can't you see there's something bigger?
Can't you see this isn't it?
We're just stuck before this little bit

And I'm not stuck with you
I'm out there on my head doing what I wanna do
And I'm not me, I'm nobody
and it feels like I'm free
I feel like it's not suffocating me

There's a stark visual aid
To compare true nature to
No spontaneity to save
Lost it all in this mess
I've made
Little things decaying
Own me, own me
Do you like my necklace
Wanna wrap your hands
Around it
Do you recognize me
You've been in my head
Mr. Violent-Not-Unlikely

I've put my deepest secrets
Out online
So ask away, what's left
I've managed to stabilize
Numbness in me

I am not willing to change
I am the ache, I am the night
I am the being
Inside that itches and lies
I am the master the servants ask for alive
I cry for death with each breath
That lets me have reprieve that I don’t need
Open up and grasp
and touch and love
It’s the best thing for you in life
Let go, let go, open up and show me
Who you’ve always meant to be
If you’re scared, I’m scared
I’m ready, aware
Open up, open up, open up
For me

See you walk in instead of leave
Like my mind says you could go
I don't hold my peace
I don't know if I should show
These things are rare but if they appear, you know
It gets hard to see - it gets hard to be, alone

That's how the fantasy goes, unclothed
We're barely speaking words
I've learned that's not how the real world goes
I wake up and pray that it's time for sleeping, though
It's easier to get high than get to thinking so
I spend all I have, the stars seem glad for me

Thanks for being there at night
Internet is faster than my heart sometimes
Ask me something, I'm feeling like
Nothing is significant
Think I want something different
Life is stark, I'm feeling innocence
Like it's me, but it must be some inner fit

My clothes are always wrinkled, too
My head's got it's own interview
I'm always speculating, someone new
They're my brand new crush, new lover
but it's not true, she's game
I'm losing time, no change
I'd rather sit and be chained
Than lose myself in that way

She's starting her dancing, nice
I join in, dim lights
She ask me to go - I can't say no
No crying in the real world
No lying if you seem hurt
I don't ask what's up
I just came to **** she
Always speculating about my life
I gave her a gift and now she's texting all night
I can't do this, I shut out the lights
I never talk back, don't ever hit send
If that's the moral I guess I'm awful interested
It's fun to lose yourself if you're not second guessing it

I own the ears of a muskrat and fox fur earmuffs
with $35.00 I didn't own and didn't make
and didn't catch or **** prey, and yet I reap the benefits

Omens are comforting calculations, coincident or obvious proof
We wake with the dawn, moon not long gone
And echo down along the grass

You're telling me to leave the problem-solving to you
But you're a liar who's always been hurt
I'm sure you can't understand
Without the missing pieces I am
Nothing, no one at all
To reap from the seeds, you keep me sick and suffering
But it all balances out, spiral flowers from her grave
It's out of our hands but you protect like iron bands
Shackled her hips and waist
Bruised until grey, hair blackened waves
The goddess visits man, the following is brave
Eliminate the threat, put me further in your debt
The brightness grinds into my bones
The light's so low I can hardly see
I long to watch your transcendence entirely
I'm left without a lead that I can follow
If you look close enough, she said she was always hollow
I don't feel, no, not at all
My blood's gone dry, limbs, and I want nothing more than this
You're an impossibility wrapped in a death wish

I wake up the ghosts with the saddest songs
I can sing and I sing of desire
How nobody wants me, I'm so **** lonely
I walk down the streets and turn no head
I'm just like them

I'm all for lies if you disguise it well enough
I love to feel as long as it's all love
I've always found that darkness
Warms me more than the light
Just take me out, take me out

Let me cry

I'm the happiest when you leave me rotten
The ground is the dirt
It's me you walk in

Every kitchen floor is my bed sheet

The awful weight over me
I've always wanted to feel wanted
But it's been coming up less often

I'm the first type, the kind of girl who
Gets a taste before she bites
I'm a loose hook, a left-right
The circle-turning, your house is burning
Look at me, I'm more important
Stupid, I'm still talking kinda girl

Subtle touches of spirit and body
both received and given graciously
excite an unknown itch for me to ignore
What else, I reason, are emotions for?
I don't pretend to see nothing for no purpose
Rather, to ignore the reality of it's existence
because I think in all possibilities there is a void to fill
It must be platonic, without touch and only words

I relish being alone and separate and quiet
without even the company of few
From my position, I see clearly, that is not you
You edit your gaze and attentions in my presence
where I could be constantly, if I wished
At every glance, hidden or sly, I notice
and I shrink further inside myself each time

To what end are the gestures applied to my psyche
as, certainly it must be obvious you must facilitate growth
in me, as I halt my growth at command
I do, I must because I can control it
If not myself, then anyone I meet is victim
to the matherings and manipulations of mind
I propose and then set in stone
You musn't be aware

I am the moon, the seas
The air, the breeze
And I take the lips
Of violence greedily
I ache for fists or
My lost grief to be
Visible or tangible
Or able to be grasped
I want your emeralds
Your precious stones

When you gasp and weep
In bed, sheets sweaty and filled with ***
As you grow weak and seek
Solace in yesteryear days of fun
I have already been and am
I am almost done
Reaping from the doubts of the young

I live with death, the handsome fellow
His claws and his hair and his whims
I follow him along every path
Until he tires and changes faces
She is the angel, the beauty, but graceless

Sitting in cloud-filled tombs
I read through the tomes of history
And her story bites through my ears
She whispers to me all my fears
She harvests the things I’ve stolen
She is the diamond of the gods
She is worthless, and wanted
But she takes the emeralds and the sapphires
And she drapes herself in my empire
Satiety waning and continues
To take

it was 100+ lines anyway