Break my bones;
cut my throat.
Pull me open,
learn the ropes.

Breath me in;
taste the fear.
Shank my skin;
stand and cheer.

Kick my head;
let me bleed.
Unbolt my veins;
enjoy the read.

Gouge my eyes;
punch my face.
Wrap me up
in your embrace.

My fears came back.
Day by day, it would boil within me.
Gnawing in my stomach as I try to fall asleep,
then erupt in the cold mornings.
Crawling its way out through my esophagus,
like an army of giant spiders, fighting to get
out from my mouth.
I could not digest my food peacefully
and my eyes are constantly watering.
The toilet bowl became a familiar companion.
My knees become weaker
and my shoulders are always tense; hurting.
Nights are spent sweating,
even with the A/C turned on in my small room.
The circles around my eyes grow darker
and the lines are carved deeper.
I begin to resent my reflection.
My fears ate at me slowly
until I am anything but cool and stable.

-m.b

Ellie. My name is Ellie.
I want to be a writer. I want to be a star. I want to be free.
I imagine myself riding on wide open roads,
on the back of a motorcycle with a boy
who is as much of a ghost as he is a person.
I imagine myself dazed in rooms
filled with a purple glow.
I imagine pills, lust, liquor, leather.
I want to live forever
and I want to die young.
My name is Ellie.
I don’t know what home means;
I don’t want to.
I need people to love me.
I will break all of their hearts.
I imagine late nights in underground clubs…
Marlboro, rock & roll, Howl by Allen Ginsberg–the bible.
Tanqueray;
falling down in a graveyard muttering in Romanian,
hoping for salvation,
but while I’m called an angel night after night
I’ve got the devil in me.
Rosewater runs through my veins,
the blood has already been spilt.
I won’t ever belong to anyone, not even myself.
When you have the knowledge that nothing’s real
it’s hard to do what’s expected of you.
I relate to flowers a lot.
They’re beautiful, but they don’t last.
Sometimes no matter how hard you try to take care of them,
they just run out of life.
I think I ran out of life the day I was born.
Everything is nothing.
The gods don’t want you to know that,
but that is the one truth.

Remember when we used to chat all the time?
All the sweet words you kept raining on me.
That my brain keeps telling me
No no no. Don't fall for him. Don't.
Run. Save yourself.
But no.
I read your words.
I heard them.
Wanting so badly to believe.
I did.
Blindly letting you lead the way.
And in the darkness I was drunk on your sweet, sweet words.
Then you pulled away.
Letting me roam and bump and fall and scrape myself.
With bruises and cuts and you
Never. Once. Helped. Me.
I lay helplessly on the ***** floor.
Messy and sticky with your then sweet promises.
If I see you again,
I want you to repeat all your words.
See how you like it now.
See how you can say it straight to my face.
All the empty promises.
All the fake confessions.
I hope you choke on them.
I really hope you choke on them.

-m.b

With a burning desire
The hearts of men are pervaded with doubts
About what their future seems like
Decisions they take appears to be right
But things still don't work out

They're bewildered by the nature of life ,
What they don't understand is that the time isn't right
They try and try but it all goes into the sky

They wonder where the problem protudes from
But the fact is ,"Men only want to acquire
But they obliviate to inquire"

starts with a sob / echoes all around the room / eyes open, eyes close / a tiny hand, gripping a finger / the universe too small for it to hold  / is this what dying is? / the feeling of utter relief, utter finality / flowers growing in the crack between its fingers / the moon in its eyes / never forget / always remember this / but the image is already slipping away /

this is you, eyes burning / a door slam, sound of crying, a broken picture frame / was this the reward? / for the months of waiting / the agonizing years / the ghost of what you were / you were told / they are never grateful / they eat your food, break your heart / but they come back, one day / one day, they come back / will yours ever look back? /

so you wait, and you wait, and you wait / swallow the screams / cage the anger / set it free / hoard the hope / your pandora’s box / take the bet / invest your soul, your spirit / you’ll win it back one day / you make the lunches / wave goodbye with a smile / laugh at the door slams, the eye rolls, the sullen face / you believe, and you believe, and you believe /

you are as you are one day / they come in, silent as a thought / you wait for it, hope dancing in your lungs / the floodgates open / the apologies are spilled out, mouth full of shame and spit / joy is prickling at the corners of your eyes / the lanky arms hug you, pressing years of memories back into your heart  / flashback to the very first day, the very first words / “I love you” / you think, this is the first time you have exhaled in a long, long time /
One