I can hear her
Her mesmerizing melodies calling me
Tempting me
I sway to her music
Fill my veins with her voice
And we are one again.

She covers me like a blanket
I can feel the warmth of her love
In my secret places
Its dark inside
And I'm afraid
But she is with me
Holding me
And I am safe.

When she leaves
My soul aches for her embrace
I hunger for her touch
I want to disappear
To leave her as she left me
But her lethal love injections
Are all that I know
And I am weak
And I can hear her
Her mesmerizing melodies calling me
Tempting me
I sway to her music
Fill my veins with her voice
And we are one again.

My lover wants me dead
But I have given her my heart
Sealed our love with a kiss
Till death do us part.

These days
Dreams and hell
Look the same to me
So I don't sleep

Most days
I can't get the taste of him
Out of my mouth
So I don't eat

Some days
I can't remember
How to say no
So I don't speak

But I'm tired
And I'm hungry
And I'm starting to forget the sound of my voice

The vibration
The pacing
The loving
The hating
The spending
Never ending
The thoughts they keep racing
The drinking
The drugging
The 5am clubbing
The meaningless sexing
The endless regretting
The lying
The cheating
The I hate this feeling
The panic
No sleeping
Anxiety streaming
The shaking
The fright
The continuous night
The struggle with words
I just want to be heard
The thoughts they're racing
The thoughts they're racing
The thoughts they're racing
Paranoia
Hallucinations
It's been weeks since I've slept
The walls seem to be screaming from the secrets they've kept
I'm over the edge
I've lost all control
This madness is driving me off of the road
But maybe down there I'll find some peace
All I really wanted
Was to go to sleep

Pop a pill
Swallow it down
No more smiles
No more frowns
You can't feel
Through the fog
A drug induced haze
A medical cloud
A hollow version
Of who you used to be
Hallucinations
Become memories
But what price
Are we willing to pay
For society to label us
"Normal" one day?

Death or deterioration
Which is more painful to see?
To watch a candle melt away
Into a puddle of itself
Or to wake up one day and the flame be gone.

Death or deterioration
Which is more painful to see?
To know the storm is coming
And live in endless cloudy days
Or to wake up during a flood that washed your loved one away.

Death or deterioration
Which is more painful to see?
To know the Reaper is coming
And live in constant fear
Or to wake to the smell of sulfur that let's you know he's been there.

Death or deterioration
I don't know which I'd choose
Because no matter which fight you fight
In the end you're still gonna lose.

The first time I shot dope
My mind bended
Transcended
This ******* existence
I rose out of my skin
And took a good look in side of myself
I elevated
I saw everything at once
Evaporated
And allowed myself to become nothingness

The first time snorted speed
I watched my entire life flash before my eyes
And got bored
I felt the vibrations and manipulations of every neurotransmitter in my brain
Went literally insane
Chasing rain drops
Off of roof tops
Because I believed I could fly
Or at least that somebody would catch me

The first time I smoked ****
I got so lost in my own metaphysical thought
That they had to send someone in after me
My sticky fingers cradling a bowl like an infant
As my cotton lined tongue spewed insightful nonsense about homelessness
And they laughed at me
Didn't they know I was changing the world?

The first time I drank
The warmth of whiskey cover my body like a blanket
I felt safe in his arms
And for the first time I could be someone other than myself
Many keys can open the gateway to hell

For years
These friends of mine beat my body black and blue
And I would crawl to them
****** and bruised
Begging for more
And to this day
I still miss them
I hear them calling to me
Pulling me back into their game
And a part of me
Still wants to play

I miss you
And you make me sick
Your eyes, which used to bring me butterflies
Now make me nauseous
And I could spend hours dry heaving
Just to make sure I've choked up every last bit of you
Your smile
Has yellowed from the lies you told
There is deceit on your lips
And all the brushing in the world
Can't hide the smell of the crap you made me swallow
Your hands
Which promised to cradle me heart
Squeezed a bit too hard
And left ***** fingerprints on the broken pieces
My own little jagged jigsaw
And as much as I would love to say "*******!" and let this end
I can still remember the smell of your soap in my skin
And the feeling of your hand in mine
And the first time
You
And I
Became us
But my rage won't allow me to cry
On the outside.
You cannot bury what is not dead
So instead I'll put our love on a shelf
And leave it there
Never to be touched
Years will pass
Dust and time will ***** the glass
And all of the delicate dysfunctional intricacies of our love will be forgotten
And in it's own way
Up on that shelf
Our love will finally be beautiful.

I wonder what the broken call the sane
The ones
Who are whole
The ones
That have a chance
We are in constant battle
A war over what’s right
And what’s good
We paint ourselves
In shades of sin
Until we no longer recognize
Our own reflections
We are in a war
But we are our own victims
And the battlefields run red
With our blood
We are all broken
So I guess the broken
Only speak truth
And the truth is
That we don’t say anything
We just exist
And beg others to do the same

The night we met
Was a part of fate's design
And the stars shone morse code in the sky
A message for our hearts only
When you got close I breathed in all of your delicate intricacies'
And though it pains me
I hold on to that breath
Refusing to let one part of you escape from my lips
You are my best kept secret

Run away with me love
Stuff your bag with your hopes and dreams
And leave fear and regret behind you
Run to the ocean
Where we will play like children
Let the salty sea
Wash your soul clean
Of any doubt
Because we
Were always meant to become us
Run to the mountains
Where we will grow old together
Taking our time till there is none left
Let the whispering wind
In the hollows of the trees
Carry our insecurities
Far beyond our reach


I want to lie naked and exposed holding you
While through tears you tell me about the struggles you've had in life
And how you don't know if you could love someone enough
To be somebody's wife
Let me heal those secret scars
And love you back to life

The night we met
Was part of fate's design
A prayer answered
A love divine.

To the cutie that helped my heart mend
              I hoped we'd be together in the end
                         To hold me at night
                                   And kiss me at mornings first light
                                              But as it would be you're in love with my best friend

She was broken
A little girl left wishing and hoping that her daddy would come back
That he would sweep down and save her
‘Cause see she was under attack
And as she lie there on her back
She could not help but wonder what her father would say if he ever found her like that
Milk and honey thighs spread on cue
She knew what to do
He kissed her
Scruffy strands of the man he would someday be brushed her cheek
Sweaty hands awkwardly fumbled around inside her blouse
His mouth, ****** the insecurities and doubts from her body
And though these naughty indiscretions would not be something they mentioned in the day light
The moon light of that night cleared her sight enough for her to see that he would be the one to fix her
His seed would work as her elixir of life
And free her from the years of loneliness her father had left her with
And with one last kiss
He entered her
And in doing so
He unknowingly planted the seed that would grow into the girl that would want to call him daddy
And it’s really a shame that it had to happen this way
Because when his 13 year old girlfriend to him she was pregnant
He had nothing to say
And It was that fear that drove him away
She was broken
Now stuck wishing and hoping for a man to be a father to her daughter
Working two jobs so she could provide for her
She daughter grew up before the eyes of strangers
And the danger in that didn’t really show until she was about 13
A young queen in her mother’s eyes
So she easily got away with the lies it took to get her out at night
And her young mind didn’t know love
So she used her body to find Mr. Right
The one that could mend the hole in her heart
Fix her
Be her elixir
Take away the pain she felt inside
You see, her daughter was broken

We are the jagged jigsaw puzzles with the missing pieces
The Barbie dolls that can only see themselves in fun house mirrors
The G.I Joes that only want to wear pink
The puppets that pull against their strings
The dream houses in the ghetto
We are the paper air planes that struggle to fly straight
The deck of cards with the pycho 8s
We are the toys in the box that everybody hates
We slip through the cracks in the careless fingers of young boys and girls
We are the gifts at Christmas that did not make the list
We are the birthday rejects
The easy to forget
The clutter underneath your bed
We are veterans of every garage sale, donation pile, and trash bin
For all you want is to be rid of us
So we'll go
We'll run away to candy land and snort pixie sticks looking for a sugar high
We'll stop comparing ourselves to other toys
We'll laugh with each other
And for the first time in our lives
We'll play.

Sometimes I feel that depression is a terminal disease
And eventually I will die of a broken heart.
I feel that sunshine will only kiss my body as it lay cold
And that I will only see the beauty in daisies when I am pushing them up

Sometimes I feel that something in me is broken
Some secret unspoken
Something is a little off
Not right
And I've grown exhausted of the fight
To be normal
To blend
When asked as a child what I wanted to be when I grew up
I always said
I want to be okay

Sometimes I want the pain to end
But it's become my only friend
She covers me
Reminding me
That relief is only one swift flick of a blade across my wrists away
Once,  I almost listened to her

Sometimes I know I'm not okay
I stopped hiding the scars because I wanted you to see me
To save me
To hold me close and not let me go
Because if you did I'd slip into the black hole
That I've labeled my soul
And get lost in there

Sometimes I get scared
Sometimes I cry
And sometimes I just exist
And let myself feel
And hope things will get better
Because sometimes
That's all I have to hold on to.

She did not believe in love
She’d never seen it
Never felt it
Her body responded to their words
Their secret meetings
Revealing her true intentions
She would never be hurt
Her heart made of diamonds would never break
She would not be defeated
*** was her army
And she was winning the war
Her body was a weapon
Land mines hidden on the mountains and in the valleys of her body
She was protecting her most prized possession
Her heart would not be broken
Again

To the brown skin girl with the milk and honey thighs
With the rips in her tights
And the fear in her eyes
With the low cut top
With the push up bra
And the bruised neck
With the tired arms
With the short skirt
With the five inch heels
And the pills in her drink
Too tired to think
Too scared to sleep
She was a victim of her own beauty

Because in his eyes
She was a slave
And he slave master
And one way or another she would bow before him
He dissected her with his eyes
Cutting away her say in the matter
She was his
Or so he was taught
Just a man being a man
The vicious cycle starts over again

In this room
Everyone that has ever rejected me
And their new girlfriends.

In this room
Every mirror is a magnifying glass
Illuminating every insecurity.

In this room
I'm five minutes too late to say goodbye.

In this room
Everyone is watching what you did to me
No one tries to stop you.

In this room
Every lie I've ever told is written on the walls.

In this room
It is quiet, dark, and I am alone.

In this room
The baby I never had
Is crying.

She sits
Eyes glued open
And lips sewn shut
A painted on smile
It'll last for awhile
Waiting and watching
Waiting and watching

She has not time for life
No desire for earthly things
Pulled through by her master
A doll on puppet strings

Her existence is almost meaningless
She's a wallflower of sorts
Always seeing
But never speaking
No one's ever heard her voice
She smiles and waves politely
Pretending she's a mime
Never guessing that her audience was potentially blind

When she left she took us with her
Every soul she never touched
Every passer by
Averted eye
That saw she had no choice

In the end all she wanted
Was a chance to be free
And chance to feel
A chance to dance
A chance to be seen
To the porcelain doll on puppet strings
I see you
I hear you
You have made a friend in me
So clip your strings
Close your eyes
And dance.

I kissed death in the lips
Breathed into him all of my hopes
And all of my dreams
And all of my lies
And all of my insecurities
He held my hand
And told me that I was beautiful
I kissed death on the lips today
I looked into his eyes
And there was no hypocrisy there
Only a truth
That we both knew
He held my hand
And the warmth of my skin
Against his
Silenced all of my fears
And all of my doubts
I looked into his eye
And in a moment
We became one
I kissed death on the lips
And I was no longer
And he was no longer
We just were
And that
Was good enough
For me.

"When I was a child, I thought like a child, I talked like a child, I reasoned like a child. Now that I am a man, I must put my childish ways behind me."*

I do believe that I have entered into the Twilight Zone
I woke up this morning and all of a sudden people were expecting me to do things for myself
When the hell did mom stop making my doctors appointments for me?
What the hell is this "get a job" nonsense
And why does everyone keep telling me "Welcome to adulthood"?
Like its some awesome place with candy and nonstop Spongebob
When did Saturday become "laundry day"
Where are my cartoons?
Since when did gas prices become more important the cost of Harry Potter books?
What the hell are these silverish hairs starting to pop up all over my head?
And HOW THE **** DO YOU FILE TAXES?
I did not agree to this.
I miss the days of nonstop sunshine kissing my cheeks as I biked down the lanes of Candy Land
When did farts become rude and not funny?
Where is my PB and J with the crusts cut off?
Shouldn't there be a class on how to become a grown up?
I feel like I was thrown into the deep end and expected to know how to swim
I can barely doggy paddle
Is this some sick joke?
I don't wanna grow up, I wanna be a **** toys-R-us kid
I WANT MY MOMMY

I love you
But I'm going to need you to stop asking me why I'm afraid of basements
Why I shy away from your touch
Why I scream in my sleep at night
Why I'm afraid of loving you too much
I can't tell you why I'm 19 and still afraid of the dark
Or why I'm afraid to sleep
Or why I never tell you about the secrets that I keep
I don't want to lie to you
But baby there are some things you'll never know
There are some burdens that I carry that I'm too afraid to  show
There are some places down inside me that your eyes will never see
There are some people in this world that have taken the best of me
I don't want to lose you
But baby I know you can't handle the truth
You see my scars as beautiful
I look at them as proof
The story of my childhood is craved into my skin
But I can't tell you how this particular book will end
Ask me no questions
And I'll tell you no lies
You cant never know that reasons that my heart is locked inside
Please just take me as I am
With my missing pieces and all
Please don't be like him
Be there to catch me when I fall
And above all else
Please
Stop asking me why I'm afraid of basements.

The night does not belong to those in love.
It belongs to those who dared to fall in love and found that there was no-one there to catch them.
The night does not belong to the dreamers.
It belongs to those who have nightmares waiting for them long after they are awake.
The night does not belong to the contented.
It belongs to those troubled souls who carry the burdens of this world on their backs.
The night belongs to the haunted.
It belongs to the lonely.
It belongs to those too busy fighting to even think about rest.
You can keep your sunshine.
Me and mine come alive in the night.

I look at him
And see eternity
I feel the warmth of a thousand sunrises
The joy of a thousand smiles drips from my lips
And yet I am afraid
I fear he sees the darkness that hides behind my eyes
I fear he sees the fingerprints on my shatter glass heart left by clumsy lovers
I fear being let go again
I feel him
And the slaughtered butterflies in my belly are resurrected
My spirit longs for his embrace
To be caressed by his love
And yet I am afraid
I fear the road map etched into my skin will lead him to my secret places
That the convoluted labyrinth of my mind will prove to be a cumbersome burden
I fear he'll collapse underneath the weight of my truth
I yearn to be who he needs me to be
For when I see him
He sees me
The small flicker of hope inside me burns bright
He holds me
And washes away my fears
A thousand fireflies illuminate the seemingly endless night behind my eyes
Warming me
Guiding me towards eternity.

I miss the smell of your skin
The thoughts of forever
The warmth of your cheek against mine
As you held me
And made me safe
I miss your arms around my waist
I found shelter in them
The taste of your lips
An unspoken promise
I miss the symphony of butterflies that burned inside when you spoke my name
The way your fingertips intertwined with my mine
The emotional intimacy
I miss the way you saw me
Not for who I was
But for who I could be
I miss loving you with the lights on
Showing you my secret scars
I miss the sweet serenity that lives inside of you
How you could calm the raging seas of my heart
And bring me peace
I miss the possibility of eternity

I wonder if you think of me
Do you remember me fondly?

I sleep wrapped in memories of you
And weep silently  
The loss
Not of what was
But of what could have been
And I allow myself to miss you.

I miss the possibility of eternity.

There are days when I am ashamed of the skin I slink in
This brown body
With scars as red and angry as I was the day they were born
They mock me
Remind me of who I was
Of who I really am
A road map back into insanity.

There are days when I am ashamed of the skin I slink in.
This brown body
With fat hugging hips and thighs tighter than a man ever could
It speaks to me
Reminding me of who I'll never be
Reminding me that they don't make pretty in my size.

There are days when I am ashamed of this skin I slink in
This brown body
A field of land mines
Hidden.
Broken.
Prepared to self destruct at any given moment
And leave nothing but a story behind.

When it happens to other people
You say "How sad."
You say "Poor thing"
But when it happens to you
When you're alone in the dark
When there is nothing louder than the beat of your heart
****** thighs bearing witness
To your entrance to hell
Body discarded
Eyes dim and black
Walls closing in on this brutal attack
Minutes passing like hours
That night on repeat
So afraid of the nightmares that you never sleep
Water burning your skin
Trying to erase his touch
No where to turn
Trapped inside your own head
No where to run
You are already dead
When they find your body
The crows will quietly sing
They'll sing "How sad."
They'll sing "Poor thing"

He runs.
His tired hands
Trembling hands
Hold each other to ward off the loneliness that follows him.
He's taught his heart not to love for fear of cutting his lover with the broken pieces that the reaper left behind.
He smiles
But there's a sadness in his eyes
Masochistic love affair with a needle and a pipe.
Fine lines and scarred skin
A never ending map for all the places he's been.
This boy is an artist
He dips his pen in the blood of fallen men
Each word he writes the rebirth of a generation
His lips make love to rhymes and give birth to revolution.
Haunted by the ghosts of the mistakes he's made
Soul heavy burden
He never stays
Once the pain is too great
He runs.
His tired hands
Trembling hands
Find peace within each other.
He's not lost
The space between yesterday and tomorrow
Between what was and what could be
That is where he has made his home.
That is where you'll find him.

Color me blue
And I will swallow the saltiest sea
Fill my lungs with the cleansing waves
Say goodbye to yesterday
And to tomorrow
Color me red
And I will slit my wrists
Watch crimson rivers run from my flesh
Until there is nothing left
Say goodbye to what was
And what could have been
Color me black
And I will pull the leather tight around my throat
Allow life to escape through my lips
Say goodbye to those noticed
And to those who didn't
Color me white
And I will take a pill for everyone I hurt
Fade into a dream
Become a distant memory
Say goodbye to myself
And finally
Let go.

I want to lose myself in the midst of your uninhibited ****** bliss
Kiss, nibble, and lick every inch
Baby I want to be a member of team **** up your sheets
Attack me like a tiger in heat
I want to taste the passion and lust on your lips
Feel your electric finger tips dip into the hills and valleys of my body
I want to be unapologetically naughty and close my eyes
While you get drunk on the wine coming from between my thighs
I want all that makes you a man inside of me
Pushing me towards my peak
While I scream your name to the heavens
Harder. Faster. Don't stop.
Until we reach that climatic peak that we have both been looking for
And when we're done
I want to lay silently next to you
Panting. Sweating. Satisfied.
And when I leave
I want the scent of feverish love making
All over your sheets
An inhibition free night
A memory.

I murdered my darkest secrets
Slit the throats of my worst memories
And buried them all next to the skeletons that used to reside in my closet
They hitched a ride to earth on the backs of my demons
And  now spend their nights haunting my nightmares
They're here
They're here
They're here
To stay
Oh how I wish they'd go away

Today
I almost allowed myself to miss you.
And then I remembered who you were.

It started with a glance
A chance romance
The stars aligned
My heart beat in my chest for the very first time
I heard the music of nature
Danced to the chorus of life
And in that moment I came alive

It started with a touch
Wondering if my hand in yours was a step too much
The mixing of fingerprints blurred the lines
Who we were before didn't matter
You washed me clean like the tide
You held my heart and my secrets
Gave me a safe place to hide
I was yours
And you were mine
And that was enough for us

It started with a kiss
Your electric lips grazed the side of my neck
Journeyed down body
A trip I'll never forget
You lingered on the places that I tried to hide
And told me my scars were beautiful
And for a moment
I believed you.

It ended with a glance
With a lost romance
The wind no longer sang when we were together
The breeze carried our love away

It ended with touch
There was no warmth in your hands
No hope in your palms
So you let me go

It ended with a kiss
With a hug
With one last look at what was
It ended with me
Learning how to go on
Without us.

It was
And then it wasn't.

And when it was
It was everything.

Nothing else could be because it was

And when it wasn't
It was nothing.

And now I struggle to remember that it ever was.

Sometimes I feel like wilting roses
Not as colorful as I should be
Not as beautiful as I could be
Constantly losing pieces of myself
Waiting to be forgotten
Remembering that I was once the thing that made you smile

Sing me to sleep
Oh dreamer of dreams
Make love to me sandman
And take me away
Show me the places where my desires reside
Show me the secrets I keep locked inside
Show me the truth
I have no time for lies
There are only a few hours that make up the night
So sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
Please let me rest.

She was gone
A simple shell of the girl she used to be
She was hollow
An empty shell
When the wind blows
You can find her in the whispers of the wind
You can find her in the rainbows of every sunset
And in the illumination of every moon rise
She hides in the shadows of the shade
Yet she never was
And she never will be
She just is
And isn't

You are the warm summer air
After a long day of rain
You are the breeze that carries the secrets whispered to dandelions far beyond reach
You are the sad romance of sunset
And the twilight dreams of shooting stars
You are the re genesis promised at dawn
You are the roots of a willow tree
And the promise of an evergreen
You are the hypnotic calm before the storm
You are the oasis in the stormy sea
And you are the stormy sea
You are the passion with with lightning makes love to the sky
And the rage with which thunder shakes the ground
You are a rose with razor edged thorns
Beautiful from a distance
You are the complicated chaos of the constellations
No one can explain it
But somehow it works
You are the butterfly with the broken wing
And finally you are the firefly
The guiding light
Pointing the way home.