I asked you to come over last night.
I felt like I was laying on rock bottom
With no way to get up
As more rocks were gradually being stacked on top of me.
The weight became too much to bear
My body started shaking uncontrollably
I did not want to be alone.
“Just take deep breaths, I’ll hurry.”
You came over and you climbed into my bed
You held me until my racing heart had calmed
And I finally felt like I could breathe again.
Then something in you switched-
You started gripping me tighter
Moving your hands to lower places
“Please babe, I really don’t want that tonight.
 I don’t feel like myself. I just want you to hold me.”
You were persistent, whispering
“Your body tells me otherwise.”
My heart began to speed up again
As I tried one more time to say,
“Please I can’t handle that tonight.
I thought it was clear, I just wanted you to hold me,
And make me feel okay again.”
This time you tried to take my pants off.
“Do you want this-
Or do you want me to go home?”
Giving me an ultimatum.
“I just want to feel okay.
I don’t want that tonight.”
And with that you got out of bed and
Grabbed your keys and belongings as you headed for the door.

I made sure you were watching-
As I undressed myself
Throwing my clothes into a neat pile on the ground
Before wrapping myself up in my fuzzy blanket
To comfort and calm myself.
I saw your true character last night.
And I learned
That you cannot find serenity
In the same place you found discomfort.

When your heart is broken
And you carry the heaviness with you
Everywhere you go-
You begin to wonder
If the sun is ever going to come out again
You begin to wonder
If you will ever find joy in little things again
You being to wonder
If you will ever be able to go a single day
Or perhaps ~a single hour~
Without thinking of you
And forgetting how to breathe

I miss you the most at night
When the world is so still & silent
That the echoes of us making love
Linger on my bedroom walls~
Thinking about your hands
Makes my heart speed up... a lot.
I’m scared no one’s touch
Will ever burn a fire in my soul
Quite like yours did.
An immense wildfire-
That somehow
Always left me to germinate in the aftermath....
alone.
But that’s the way of nature I suppose

I always thought we were the perfect match.
But matches are meant
                                   to ignite
                                         and burn out.

You grew fond of me and decided
I was ~just right~ for the part.
But my wide-eyed gaze & animated youth
Was uninformed I was being casted.
You held my strings so loosely at first-
Gently allowing me to spin for you
In my favorite skirt and flower top
But you slowly wrapped the strings
Tighter around your fingers
Giving me a warm, innocent grin-
To distract me from the scene at hand.
You maintained control so well-
The true art of the puppet master.
But I will not be attending the final showing.
Thank you for the preview though.
~Let the casting begin~

Everything is great
Then the silence is broken
A heavy thud
Then everything is blurry
And finally-
Everything is black

Somehow
Every time I gripped tighter
You became further.
It felt like
I was drowning,
Catching all the life savers
But stacking them all on you.
It felt like
I was trapped in the dark,
Or did you put my hood on?