january
how many more broken nights of crying will it take before you are strong enough to say goodbye?

february
stop forcing yourself to swallow your feelings. you are so much more than he is claiming, and you need to get this through your head.

march
follow your gut feeling. the way he speaks to you and makes you feel will never be okay and this is toxic.

april
stay true to your word and stop giving him more chances. he comes crawling back with flowers on your bed and you take him back every **** time.

may
you want to prove to him that you don't need him, and once he sees that get back together with him in a few months. but you tell everyone else that you are done for good.

june
you are surrounded by music and dancing and laughing and for the first time in a year you feel alive and apologize to yourself for allowing his brokenness to consume you for so long.

july
you can't imagine ever being with someone so toxic again. you regret letting him manipulate you for so long, but you know that you had to learn a lesson, and are now not so naive.

august
this has been the greatest summer of your life and you are thankful everyday that you worked up the courage to leave him.

september
you start college and see that he would have prohibited your future if you didn't leave him. he was manipulating and toxic.

october
you start to really like a new guy and for all the right reasons. you see patience, understanding, and empathy, all things that the last boy lacked.

november
you are still crushing on this boy and have now kissed him, but you know that you still do not want a boyfriend, you are not ready, you are still too damaged.

december
you are now dating this boy. you are scared to fall for him because you never again want to be so blinded by love that you stay long after it's gone bad. let yourself fall. this time you have learned, this time you are stronger, this time you are stable, and this time a good thing lies ahead.

I know that one person always loves more.
And I know that in this situation that person will always be me.
I know that I have slowly submerged myself into your presence and completely fallen for you.
I know that when I told you this, it intrigued you.
I know that you do not like me like I like you
but rather
it is more of a curiosity game with you
and of course
the affection I am providing is worth taking to you
It hurts to know that you are only intrigued and that you do not actually see me the way I see you, or like me the way I like you.
It hurts that you are talking to me for pure fun and something new.
But I will pretend to not be phased
and push ahead as if I am unbothered
because I consider myself lucky to have gotten your attention at all.

I want to love you innocently.
I just want to be around you and embrace everything that you are.
I hang on to every laugh and every smile you bring into the air I am breathing.
I find myself so lucky to live at the same time as such a human as yourself and to find you in my life on top of it.
I know that you cannot help who you like and I would never ask you to try such a thing.
But for what it's worth,
I like you
I like you a lot
and if one day you decide that you like me too I would be the happiest girl alive.

I try so hard to get your attention.
I try desperately everyday.
But you do not seem to notice me.
Perhaps you do notice me, just a little too much.
Perhaps you notice that I am a mess and that I am not more sure of myself than you are of me.
Perhaps you see that I am something you would never get involved with. Perhaps you don't even notice me at all.
Please look.

It is written in the stars that I am an over-thinker. That I am an over-analyzer. That I am a control freak. These are the traits that I drive myself crazy with, but these are also the traits that have allowed me to feel so many things on so many different levels and I must embrace it.

I would always favorite some signs over others. I would always say "Oh I'm so glad that I have no gemini in me" or "I'll never have a scorpio baby one day." But after analyzing you, I have learned that you are a little bit of each sign and that is beautiful to me. I've learned that each sign has contributed very special and important traits to craft you just the way you are. I am no longer so close minded towards some signs, you have taught me that beauty can come from any and all of them.

I love that you are a Taurus and that I am a Virgo and that that is a great compatibility. I love that we are both Earth signs and stable and practical because of this. I love that your Taurus sun allows you to be patient, calm, and cautiously slow. I love that you live simply and if it's not broken, you don't fix it. I love that your Gemini ascendant is the reason you are so restless and why your eyes wander all over the room and back in a matter of a few seconds. I love that your Gemini moon provides you with a quick intellectual mind and persistency. I love that your Mercury is Taurus provides your constructive mind and your second nature of observing. I love that your Venus in Aries allows you to be strongly sensual and flirtatious. Your Mars in Leo allows your great drive to put your ideas into actions and your warm, lucky personality. Your Jupiter in Sagittarius is why you think big and profit accordingly, and provides your higher mind capacity. Your Saturn in Pisces is your vivid imagination and intuition. Your Uranus in Aquarius is your inventiveness and originality, your wry sense of humor and your unique mind. Your Neptune in Capricorn is why you are extra practical and concrete, and good at Chemistry (your major)! Your Pluto in Scorpio is your tendency towards secrecy, psychic abilities, and passionate side. Mars in your 3rd house is your determination and need to stay active and speak your mind. Jupiter in your 6th house is your success in work, loyalty, and dependability. Pluto in your 6th house is your excellent concentration and intent on seeing results. Neptune in your 8th house is why you are a visionary and you seek to give your life more meaning. Uranus in your 8th house is your unusual outlook on life & death. Saturn in your 10th house is your self-reliance, ambition, perseverance, self discipline, and likelihood of achieving success. Venus in your 11th house is your sociable side and your desire to marry a friend. The Sun in your 12th house is why you enjoy privacy and quiet, you have difficulty expressing yourself, you are only close to a few, and success may come later in life for you. Your Mercury in your 12th house is your tendency to be contemplative, and your ability to work things out for yourself. Your Moon in your 12th house is your sensitive side, your reception and intuition towards others, your tendency to hide your real feelings, your need to get away from others to restore yourself, and your creative imagination.

To say I am crushing on you is to say that the titanic had a "little accident." For it is so so so much more. My heart hurts because I know that you and I will never be together. I know that we can love quietly in the dark on weekend nights. But I know that as soon as the sun is up our moment is over. I try to stay up all night with you so that we can spend time together and share secrets and love endlessly, but the sun comes up too early every **** time and it hurts so badly to accept the reality that you and I will only be a nighttime feeling. Mr. Sun has a way of renewing us with energy and ideas, and reminding us that it is time to separate in the light of the day. I want you to take my hand and lead me to somewhere that you and I can make love as loud as we want without anyone hearing. I crave your gentle kisses and I crave to hear your laugh. I want to hear your laugh when I'm falling asleep and when I'm waking up, and every moment in between. I have never loved someone so innocently. Tonight I spend 4 hours watching tv (which is boring and a waste of time) just to be in your presence and to hear you laugh and happy. I like to be around you as much as I can and it makes me so happy when you are always so smiley and happy. If only you knew what your smile did to me. Tonight I sat and watched you amused by a ******* squirrel flying an airplane and I just silently wished that one day you would be that amused by the presence of me. That one day you would decide you need me in your life, that you would call me on a lazy afternoon and confess your long lost love for me. But I am not foolish. I know this will not happen. I know that I have slowly fallen in love with your presence and I know that I am so ******* because I like you so **** much. I love the way you wake and bake and I love the way you are so **** absentmindedly cute yet you pick up on things I never realized you did. I love the way you laugh at everything and I love the way your smile and laugh is so electrifying and makes everyone feel so good because it is pure innocent amusement in your eyes. I love the way you are gentle and slow, making up your mind carefully and cautiously.

This is so bad...