Apple pie
Tequila
And limes
Mixed with the poison that numbed my legs.

I'm still learning what it's like to not be alone
Forgive me if I am distant
I'll try to look you in the eyes
I'm just trying to forget the one I spent the last seven years with
Because today would have been eight.

We found each other when we were looking for comfort and a warm hand to hold
Someone to say good morning to
And drink coffee with before work.

I'm lucky I found you in a crowd of strangers in that little bar filled with sin.

& when it happened
The room was illuminated
My world stood still and nothing made sense
My legs felt like weights and no words came out
Then hospitals and needles
Doctors with no answers
A walk down the stairs and everything is different.

The new world I am in
Is filled with liars and cheats
Kissing you on a lonely Wednesday night
Leaving you in the late morning
With a coffee and a guilty conscience
It's when you don't talk for weeks
And you see him again at the bar with the 3D sign
He leaves, he's across the country chasing other skirts
He can't make up his mind
But his long hair gave you comfort
And his sweet talks kept you company
But the tans are now fading and the nights are getting longer
Now the seasons are changing, the leaves are falling
The game is now in your hands and the waves are crashing
You look him in the eyes and say goodbye
You're so much better off without those bad boy blue eyes.

He wants to feel real
But you feel nothing
Both of them thought you were there for them
He is drunk touching your arm
While the other is coy and collected
He stares at you while he's on stage
While the other is hidden behind
They both want to take you home
Thoughts race through your head
You can't manage two hearts
In your lace dress
The night gets late
They play the strings and pass the drugs
Your friends arrive and lust fills the room
Jealousy and twisted advances
Polaroids and summer beers
Leaving in vans
You go back to his house
To only feel like a friend

A four hour drive to the land of steady habits
A glass of wine turns into eight
A late drive through the mountains
We're no longer in the garden state.

A card game spread across the table
Family here and family afar
Songs of Johnny Cash and Willie
A familiar face of a one eyed pup
Cats scattering across the floor
A bed under the teeth of the piano
And Christmas lights on the stairs.

The clock strikes twelve
We're watching a family of raccoons eat their Thanksgiving dinner
While everyone else is asleep.

Well this new life I’m in
Feels like something
out of a film
Or a new kind of war
that I am fighting in.

You see this new world I’m in
makes my heart race
a little more than before.
And are these fever dreams
Or nightmares I make
Even while I sleep
I can’t escape.

It does have me thinking
I’m supposed to be here
To shed light on those
who can’t reach the door.

They’re searching for a cure...
They’re searching for answers

It’s been ten days
and I cant leave the house
to see the people
that mean the most

Now the whole world
is under quarantine
And this plague is well aware
It’s growing
by the minute
And I can’t even
believe it
But I wish I could take it
all away.

Let me be the light that never goes out
Let me heal this earth
like never before.
When it feels like
you’re all alone
Remember,
I’m on the other end
of the phone.

I'll never forget that look you gave me
As I rested my head on your chest
After we saw each other raw and real
You couldn't handle emotion
And I don't blame you
Because I feel that way now
I still remember that late July night

That squeaky clean hotel room
With the curtains slightly closed
As the moon shone through
After you had me all to yourself
You were ready to let me go
Why didn't I tell you:
I liked you
Your thrill for adventure,
Your contagious laugh, and deep gaze
Kept me up at night
Wishing you could be by my side.

The windows are covered in frost and the air is cold
The streets are covered in a sheet of white
While the furnace is having conversations with the room.

You start to feel alive
After he walks into your life
A text everyday
A coy smile on your face
He walks through the door
He's nervous I'm sure
A glass of wine to calm those nerves
His long hair and laugh
He kisses you at the loft
A spark crept up your spine
Sand in your socks
You can't remember the rest.

We were weaved together
By the spider who lived under the house
The one with the baby’s breath and violets by his bed

Mangoes and coconut for breakfast
You chose to stay with him
He makes you feel safe
A late night kiss, no sparks
only the light that peeks through the blinds
A walk on the boards,
You're still in your boots and dress
A jump in the ocean and naps on a blanket
Sand in your hair and waves crashing
He takes you home.

“I’ll never let go” played on the tele
As the screen became a blur and faces began to distort

The night went as follows
The sound of the animals
The fear of heights being medicated by the alcohol
Sparklers lit the sky and like bats we flew into the night

The taste of milk and the sound of strings
Haircuts and shoe glue
Denim vests with patches
Missing boots and a dance

The dirt is wet, the records playing
The ship sunk.

I find myself thinking
The mountains are calling
Let's go for a ride
Find a place to stay for the night
And get lost for awhile
You and me, my best friend
We'll see the world in a different way
Escape the hate and the people who make us feel like nothing
Make friends with the locals, share a bottle of wine
And talk about the nostalgia that's been creeping around
I'll bring my paper and pen and my Polaroid camera
We'll explore the woods
Have conversations with the animals
Hike and share some laughs
Maybe we don't have to come back.

It always feels nice being on the road with his hand in yours and the scent of tobacco and pine.
He takes you to the place he calls home.

Campfires and reading about the inevitable apocalypse with the light from the fire that is starting to burn out
You look up and the moon shines through the cracks in the trees.

Abstract drawings and sounds of nature.
The caw of the goshawks keeping you up in the tent,
A hike that is familiar to him, you feel a presence and are assured you are safe.

Before it is time to leave, you both run as the storm crashes and rain pours from the sky into the blue hole.
Then the lightning peeks through the clouds and the darkness begins to subside.

You breathe in... and.. out... catch your breath and take a look around at the dense forest.
You find the one that looks at you like he's going to save you.

I feel something when I'm with you
Something I haven't felt in a long time
I'm ready to let you in
I'm scared as hell
And my hands are shaking

But when I'm with you, it almost feels right
I know we've both been hurt before
And I know the feeling that you get when you are anxious
And the feeling that I get when I am scared
I don't want to be alone

You are not here and you are alone
I cried in your arms and you told me things you can't remember
You talk in your sleep to the demons of your past
I'll help you fight your demons if you keep me warm at night
I know we both don't want this
But it's happening and we're not in control

True love with a stranger has turned into something else
Spending my nights in the room that's too cold
The birds nest is on the shelf
As you slur your words
You say you're going to disappear
Please don't disappear.

It's not ok to mess with two hearts if you can't handle your own.

You find yourself in another city
Feeling inspired with a friend
A pretty bird with a smile
You find a bar
Where typewriters are on the wall
And pages from books make up the wallpaper
Gin and mezcal
Passionfruit and cherries
The Pet Shop is open
Filled with the opposite ***
Everyone wants to get to know you
Get in your head like the words in a book
Making plans for road trips
And future apartments
Iceland and Nashville
Go before it's too late.

The mountains, the desert, the west: are calling.
They’re calling me home.

7/15/19

Why am I falling for you?
The man with the cold hands
And whiskey smile
We drink wine and watch movies
Fall asleep under the moon's dim light
I wake up in the morning
And you are holding me close
You cook me breakfast as we drink green tea
What are we going to do?
I'm scared and can't stop thinking
Believing every word you say
While you're still talking to your old love
But you look me in the eyes.

Drunk conversations
When the truth comes out
Our awkwardness and anxiety
Holding back tears
God I hate feeling alone
You tell me I'm pretty,
You like my eyes and teeth
That I am a rare find
I thought when we first kissed I'd never see you again
But here I am, at your house almost every night.

And this has been the longest winter
Deciding whether to stay or go
My ankles are beside the door
While my heart is on the floor
These sad eyes
And forgotten smile
I don’t know him anymore
Not like I used to
Now he feels like a stranger
Feelings are across the room
Hidden in the skull, hanging on the wall

2/19/19

He tastes like winter and smells like home

Into the mystic we go
The magic we know
We find ourselves in the woods
Where we once felt everything
All at once.

In the trees where I used to play
With the birds in the forest
And the animals and the bees
The sound of the cicadas in the park
And the only time
when he left me in the dark.

But the fireflies
made it through the night
Catch me in the light
Oh it feels so right.

Now I got my room
In the city by the mountains and the trees
And my plants are reaching for the sun
the dogs are playing in the yard.

I’ve been here before
If not here, in my head
In my dreams
I saw something bright
It felt so right.

I am a lotus now
Reaching for the sky
Begging you to water me
Oh you knew I would grow
You knew I would fly
You knew me somehow.