I'm done being the
Back up plan for
Boys like you

I'm done with falling
In love only to crash
Trying to catch myself

I am done cutting
And hiding away a whole
Side away from my family

I'm done *******  in
Air with no positive
Side effects to cling onto

I've thought about escaping
Not for long
Only for a night

And I want to travel
My neighborhood
And wander through their yards

I wish to sit in their back yards
And climb the big tree
In the front

To see what they dont see
And do see
All at the same time

I want to venture into their house
And sit on their couch
And analyze

I want to see
How others live and work
Because they are different

My family is different
Our home, different
Our attitudes change the house

Just one night
I want to escape
And explore

See what others have to deal with
And see it if is anything like
What I have to deal with too

Let's press the pause
And open your eyes
Look around the world
At the truth and the lies

You say I can't love
The one I want
Majority rules
You taunt

But world, you're changing
And judging love is less
In some countries loving the same ***
Means you're both blessed

I did not choose this
But now I don't mind
I would do it all over again
With her right behind

I tried to find the dream man
The one tv tells us is right
The one society says
Because it's all black and white

But I can testify
The world had shades of grey
She proves this to me
Every **** day

But grey is so bland
Let's be rainbow
Bright purple colors
We'll proudly show

Press the pause
Not the rewind
Don't you dare touch the stop
And back in motion you'll find

That love
Is universal

I'm never one thing
Constantly moving
Constantly changing

Constantly high
That's the only stable thing

I'm going to be twenty in a month
And I don't think I can make it much longer

This isn't so much of a poem
It's more of a ramble
Of my thoughts
That I can't say out loud
Because no one is listening

Lately the universe has been
Making me feel insignificant
And fragil
And idiotic
And all around depressed

I mean nothing
I am nothing
We all mean nothing

If we were to all die
Go extinct
The sun would still eventually die
New galaxies will be born
And I'm sure there is other life
Just waiting to destroy their homes
And taint their waters
And **** their vegetation

Nothing matters
At least not in my life time

Guess that's all I've got to say

There once was a pig
named Phil
He decided to go up a
hill.
When he got to the top
he stopped, and
ate some grass.

I'm going to throw a party
Reserved for one alone
I don't need my friends anyway
They're cruel down to the bone

Colors and Cravings
Cover ups and Canters
Con men and Crazy minds
Convenient and Casual

A breaking world

Pain, consuming
But the fire is warm
So I might as well stay
In my own lightning storm

Yes I burn
But I burn for you
There is nothngi left to say
Nothing left to do

Besides try to let go
And move into the light
But I am so scared
Burning, blazing, so bright

Maybe if I jump out
As quickly as I can
Maybe the impossible is possible
Maybe, if I ran...

Ran far away
From my fire and flame
Awazy from my hurt
Stop playing this game

But life is a game
And I am just one broken piece
No super glue can fix me
So I wait for the hurt to cease

What if it never does
What if it never halts
What do I do then
When I know its all my fault

I am sorry for what I did
But I promise to play nice
I know I was bad
Skating on already thin ice

But maybe if you give me
Another chance at love
I will be better
Better and way above

Above all the rest
Because third times a charm
I will always love you
Not cause you any harm...

Father, your knuckles
Are ****** and bruised
The bread box is gone
Oh well. . . It was never of use

One hundred and twenty
Poems published on this page
It is not my whole collection
But a majority of the rage

One hundred and twenty
Pieces of my art
Poured out onto my page
Each one my soul, all a different part

One hundred and twenty
Scattered pieces of my brain
I do not know where is begins
Or where the pieces will end

One hundred and twenty one
Poems on my page
It is not my complete collection
Still not a fraction of my rage

My body whispers
To my head now
It is time for shut eye
If the head will allow

My head says no politely
It would rather stay up all night
Thinking of every mistake I have made
Every foolish fight

Or how life is so short
And we are only gifted with so little
Our body grows old and our souls tired
The bones ache and become brittle

All unfair events
That are out of our hands
Plays though my head
And my heart does not understand

I stay awake and cry at night
Because my brain puts up a fight
With my body out of spite
Because my brain tells everyone 'it's alright'

Nothing is right
My life feels out of control
I feel like I am having a midlife crises
Though I am only sixteen years old

After my brain battles my body
Over control of the dark
It is worn and weathered
With it's several marks

The brain whispers back
'I am done for a few days
You may sleep for now'
It says in a craze

So I can now sleep
Because my brain is worn down
Though the cycle with soon repeat
Everything is alright for now

I screamed at him
That I hate him
That he has lost all my respect
All trust has been trimed

He shrugged because
He doesn't care
He thinks I'm just angry
He doesn't know my heart is bare

Where that trust used to be
I never fully respected or loved my father
But now he has lost what little he had
Of his depressed daughter

He screamed back at me
Fine get away from me then
So I went, screaming, stomping away
With the thought of I hate men

He doesn't realize
His actions impacted me bigger
Than he thought
I just want to pull the trigger

Lets throw it away
For a night
Only one

The differences and struggles
The anger and the fights
Just so we can sleep in peace

One night only
Is all I ask
But you cannot even give that

I stand almost alone in
A field of grain
And in this field I see
Me

Four perfect copies of
Me
And each
Me looks a little different

One stands and laughter
S     i        l
   p       l       s
From her mouth
But her eyes are black

In the next me I
See anger dwells
But she doesn't show her
Weakness quite yet

The third has wet cheeks
Sunk in eyes and a weak smile
Though her heart is broken
It still tries to beat

The last is barely there
She is thin and shaking
He body covered from self inflicted wounds
And hateful words and profanities cover her arms

Then you appear and walk behind
Each one of me
And shoot each one in the head
And when you are finished you look up and say

"These are not you anymore
You don't need to hide from your
Friends, your family
And you need to let go your broken heart

And as for your self loathing
We will fix that too
So wake up
And you'll be in my arms"

And with that
I'm trying to let go

I can't sleep
Surrounded in shadows
The A/C hums and
Moonlight slips in through broken blinds
The shows about to begin

The blankets tangle around my legs
My body tosses left and right
Incapable of ignoring the voices
These memories
They shuffle through my head
Intruding my dreams
Invading my thoughts

I can't sleep
Films featuring fear race through my head
Each one a perfect cut
Of moments in my life where
I was no longer in control
Moments when I was helpless
Moments where I am trapped
Simply a bystander to my own life

Suddenly a new scene appears
Taking off it's long worn
Camouflage that is used to hide
Right in between all the other
Ghastly happenings of my life

I can't sleep
I stare at the stars on my ceiling
Feel myself drift off into space
So far away

This memory is new and it hurts more
Than when it first happened

I can't make it stop
The voices won't stay quiet
It won't stop playing in my mind
The film is ******* endless

I can't sleep

I dont wanna waste my
Breathe on things I'm trying to
forget my past is troubled and
behind me
And take your weary soul to
Bed, these voices in my
Head are reminding me of
My faults

I always thought when I was with
You the sky would open
Up and thered be something
New I sometimes like to dream that if
I close my eyes I'd see
You

But the bed is growing
Cold and my hands search for
Your sweaty skin, and
Instead I hear the door click
Behind you and it begins

So I cry
I cry out for you
I lay in the bed
Thoughts filled with dread

I always thought when I was with
You the sky would open
Up and thered be something
New I sometimes like to dream that if
I close my eyes I'd see
You

Life is not the same, no
Not anymore and I
Play with my hair as my heart quickens
As you shut that door

I thought I saw you
I thought I saw you
I thought I saw you
The other day

I know she's
In the bathroom stall
Letting the magic dust
Work it's way to her dreams
And she comes out
Her laugh airy

Her windows meet mine
And she halts
Her smile fades
Her laugh stops
And she sniffs the dust and snot
Back into her happy place

I take a step towards her
Eyes wet
With knowing
And she takes a step back
And collapses
Against the concrete

She sits and let's her sadness
Drip down her nose
Her eyes
And her mouth
Speaks of her past in one blurr
Stuttering

I don't even know her
But comfort her I do
And I take
The white dust
In the bag from her hand
And toss it down the toilet

I whisper it's done
All gone
And that she needed to pull herself together
And leave
She whips out her cell
Phones for a woman on the other side

And I leave the bathroom
Thinking maybe something broke tonight

I hear it
Drip
        Drip
               Drip
As it runs
    D
O
   W
N

My finger tips

It
F
    A
          L
                L
                     S

To the hard
Wood floors
And slips
In be tween
The
C r a c k s

And I am
Okay with that

So let the blood
Drip
         Drip
                 Drip
Straight
   D
O
   W
N

The finger tips

I cry as I write
Because a passion builds
A frustration in my mind
And my head chills

*******.
For making me love you
Making me feel
The way I do

I dont wanna waste my
Breathe on things I'm trying to
Forget my past is troubled and
Behind me....
And take your weary soul to
Bed, these voices in my
Head are reminding me of
My faults

I always thought when I was with
You the sky would open
Up and thered be something
New I sometimes like to dream that if I close my eyes I'd see
You

But the bed is growing
Cold and my hands search for
Your sweaty skin, and
Instead I hear the door click
Behind you and it begins

So I cry
I cry out for you
I lay in the bed
Thoughts filled with dread as
Your footsteps echo on the linoleum
And I cry again

I dare not move in hopes
I'll hear your feet smacking the
Hard cold floor again
Sprinting back into my arms
In this lifeless bed
Where our lifeless dreams lay with

We had high hopes
And now we're only
Sinking
Into our mess we have made

When he died
You would lay there
With him
Sitting on top of the dirt

But now kitty
You lay there
Beside him
In the dirt

My body pillow
Isn't you

My diary
Doesn't talk back

My razor blades
Hurt me in a different way

And my heart
Isn't the same

I
I don't
I don't need
To cut

Is what I whisper
Over and over again
To myself
Rocking in my bed

It's a comforting motion
With a comforting notion
But it doesn't seem to
Comfort me at all

I
I don't
I don't need
To slice down my thigh

Only you keep
Me going
Keep me from going
From leaving the planet

Thanks love
I don't know why you
Like my scary scattered brain
But I guess I shouldn't complain

I
I don't
I don't need
The razors right now

But I still succumb
No matter what I tell myself
I still fall down
To my knees

I
I still
I still need
To cut

Those white laced lines
Are back again
Greeting me
Like an old friend

Pink and red
They stain my wrists
I cannot help it
The scars turn and twist

They did not like
Being locked up tight
Alone and banging
At my brain in the night

"Just one more"
I tell my hands
But my body does not
Understand

It wants to slice
Twenty more I tried
Until I am ******
Used up and dried

So those little pink scars
Are back to haunt
The razor blades
Are back to taunt

I am the best painter
I sing with the most tempting voice
I am the worthy person
You can call your friend

I don't live in fear
Of being told no
Because everyone has their
Own opinions

To me I the best
At everything I do
Because I try my hardest
In all my work

Life should be fun
Not lived doubtful and timid
So open up your skull
And look at yourself

You are the best you can be
Which means you are the best
In a matter if opinion
Don't let anyone tell you different

You scream and yell
Your actions are cruel
What's even worse is
You don't expect a reaction

You in your own little world
If you are not happy
Neither are we
That's how it's always been

This is how it will always be

They say change is
A good thing

Gavi, this isn't that type
Of change

Please bring my
Gavi back

Writing a story
Feels like playing
The piano
Stroking the keys thoughtfully

Loosing yourself
In the music
Of the clicks
And the story in your head

Your soul pours out
Into the type writer
Like your soul pours out
Into the chords

And when you are finished
You sigh and close your eyes
Elated to stroke the last key
To finish both stories

A little bird said
You hate it when I complain
So I've kept quite for days
And nothing's been the same

I keep a quite tongue
Silent and locked up tight
I try not to whine to you
But I am lonely and scared at night

Repressed memories
Have made themselves clear
I usually speak to you of my troubles
Now you don't want them near

I rock myself in my bed
Afraid of what's to come
My only wish to tell you now
But my body is too numb

I promise I will not complain
To you any more
But who will I talk to now
When death is knocking at my door

A wise man once said
"Keep moving forward"
So that's what I'll do

I will look back
From time to time
My past made me

But I won't worry
About things
I can't change

Once butterflies
Now nausea
Once faith
Now doubt

I really thought
We could do it again
But I'm always wrong
I'm always the friend

Every one is asking
Too much from me

Mom wants perfect hair
Grades and me to wear dresses

Dad wanted a boy
He wants me to have more motivation

The brothers wish for a better sister
A normal sister they will never get

Peers want my friendship and guidance
I want peace and quite

Close friends want me to have all the answers
And not to ask any of my own

Even hello poetry asks
To add another

I want to do what I want to do
For myself and myself only

I start now

I bet I could fly
If I willed my body enough
That means I could escape from here
But life would be tough

In a dream I had
I had feathered wings of snow
I kept trying to take off
Every time my stomach sank low

You know that feeling your middle endures
When falling back to land
Or when on a roller coaster
With your face in your hands

When I took off
My stomach felt this way
I felt the drop in real life
Though I thought the feeling in my dreams would stay

Pain when stabbed
Is as real as it gets
Kissing a girl
Ties me in knots

I thought the emotions
And physical elements of it all
Would stay in my dreams
But they won't at all

I wake up scared
Alone and in pain
Because my dreams are real to me
My mind is not sane

I don't want to sleep
For fear of the after math
What use to be my escape
Is now the scariest Path

Hey foolish one
Why dont you sit down for a while
Why is it that you
Never smile

Look up at the sky
And just have some fun
Watching the clouds
Pass by you

Dont you ever think
Of flying in those clouds
Avoiding all the crowds
And just pray for the best

Let your soul fly free
Let yourself be you
Look up, and around
A world so knew
Let yourself be you
In those clouds

Lift your wings high
Dont be afraid
Let yourself drop
And trust in Him to catch you