Ellyn k Thaiden: Poems

439 · Dec 2013

Ellyn k Thaiden Dec 2013

Her dreams were full of water
Of exploring the dark blue
And now her wish is fulfilled
Her ashes are spread among the Pacific

437 · Apr 2013

Phil -- Anne See

Ellyn k Thaiden Apr 2013

Phil -- Anne See

There once was a pig
named Phil
He decided to go up a
hill.
When he got to the top
he stopped, and
ate some grass.

My teacher Mrs. See saw I was being silent today. Day of Silence. So Mama See came up to me and wrote this peom on my white board I have been using to communicate. She knows I write peoms, especially during this class, cause its computer apps.

Thanks Mrs. See for making my day.

433 · Sep 2013

Under My Bed

Ellyn k Thaiden Sep 2013

Under My Bed

Happiness hides under the bed
Where I dropped it one day
As I collapsed down on the mattress
Reading your text at the end of the day

"It's not you it's me
I can hardly breathe
But we need to part ways"
Is what he says

I cried and cried
My happiness lost
Under my bed it sits
Getting moldy and rots

Today I decided
You would affect me no more
I am trying to really get over you, boy
I'm trying to mend the heart you tore

While cleaning out my life
Of friends and family I don't need
Today I looked under my bed
My happiness was there and it pleads

"I know he hurt you
But you need me more than him
Please leave your thoughts behind
For your lost happiness has dimmed"

I picked it up and looked it over
It was changed from years of loneliness
I shake my head and tired it appears
Cracked and dry from weariness

My happiness is not the same
It is anerexic and mad
Not whole anymore
Not the same as it had

So I set my happiness down
And shoved it back under the bed
I will find a new happiness
To use instead

431 · Apr 2013

Bloody Knuckles

Ellyn k Thaiden Apr 2013

****** Knuckles

Father, your knuckles
Are ****** and bruised
The bread box is gone
Oh well. . . It was never of use

430 · Oct 2013

Universal

Ellyn k Thaiden Oct 2013

Universal

Let's press the pause
And open your eyes
Look around the world
At the truth and the lies

You say I can't love
The one I want
Majority rules
You taunt

But world, you're changing
And judging love is less
In some countries loving the same ***
Means you're both blessed

I did not choose this
But now I don't mind
I would do it all over again
With her right behind

I tried to find the dream man
The one tv tells us is right
The one society says
Because it's all black and white

But I can testify
The world had shades of grey
She proves this to me
Every **** day

But grey is so bland
Let's be rainbow
Bright purple colors
We'll proudly show

Press the pause
Not the rewind
Don't you dare touch the stop
And back in motion you'll find

That love
Is universal

429 · Oct 2013

Explore the Neighbors

Ellyn k Thaiden Oct 2013

Explore the Neighbors

I've thought about escaping
Not for long
Only for a night

And I want to travel
My neighborhood
And wander through their yards

I wish to sit in their back yards
And climb the big tree
In the front

To see what they dont see
And do see
All at the same time

I want to venture into their house
And sit on their couch
And analyze

I want to see
How others live and work
Because they are different

My family is different
Our home, different
Our attitudes change the house

Just one night
I want to escape
And explore

See what others have to deal with
And see it if is anything like
What I have to deal with too

427 · Jan 2013

She Doesn't Realize

Ellyn k Thaiden Jan 2013

She Doesn't Realize

She doesn't realize
That I hurt too
That I'm in pain
That I also rue

I rue the day
I was ever born
I hate the fourth
My soul is torn

I wish that I
Could soar into an abyss
Fly right into nothing
Deaths permanent kiss

She doesn't realize
That in hurt too
She doesn't see
She never knew

I don't know how to say
"I need help from you"
So I say it in this poem
Because my problems you subdue

Maybe you will listen now
I doubt you will be attentive to me
I guess that life and I
Were not meant to be

426 · Dec 2012

Dear Friend

Ellyn k Thaiden Dec 2012

Dear Friend

Your lies
Wrap around
You
And it becomes
Harder to tell
The truth

You tell her
One thing
Tell me
Another
Tell the whole
World your lies

Fine lines
Are drawn
And feelings
Are hurt
I cant
Say why

But you I
Am finished
With
I cant handle you
And you selfish
Lies

No more
Than I can
Handle
A hot iron
Burning into
My thin paper skin

And I am
Sorry for you
Pity I feel
Because you life
Is wasted away
On lies

The truth can come
Easy
If you know how
To say it right
But you
My dear friend

You have soiled
My trust In
You
To gain it back
Would be
Absurd

So my
Dear friend
Please know this
I am leaving you
There are better things
In life than
*This

For you, Ryan Ethrington. For you...

426 · Dec 2013

I Feel So Alone

Ellyn k Thaiden Dec 2013

I Feel So Alone

Self harm
When you do it you
Start to notice
Others pain too

The cuts on the arm
The purple and blue bruise
The burns placed so
The control that we loose

It's different
You inspect the skin
Scanning over their arms
Trying to find the sins

You don't judge
But you realise
That in this world full of people
All hurt and traumatized

That you are not alone

425 · Apr 2013

C

Ellyn k Thaiden Apr 2013

C

Colors and Cravings
Cover ups and Canters
Con men and Crazy minds
Convenient and Casual

A breaking world

423 · Nov 2013

I'm Done

Ellyn k Thaiden Nov 2013

I'm Done

I'm done being the
Back up plan for
Boys like you

I'm done with falling
In love only to crash
Trying to catch myself

I am done cutting
And hiding away a whole
Side away from my family

I'm done ******* in
Air with no positive
Side effects to cling onto

419 · Jun 2013

My Dream

Ellyn k Thaiden Jun 2013

My Dream

I dreamt I was going
I cut my short life more
The pills in my right hand
As I lay on the bathroom floor

A good friend ran in
Slapped the pills from my hand
She held me as I cried
But she did not understand

Later my past lover
Asked me to sit near
He smiled and flirted
Like it hand not been years

And my poor angel pup
Came into play
In my dream he did not die
Instead he had ran away

He returned to me
Drool pooling down his muzzle
He held him till I woke up
Confused and so puzzled

I lay in bed ten minutes straight
Attempting to sort my thoughts
Tears pooled at the corners of my eyes
As I realized my dream was not

I have not dreamed like this for so long. I wish it was real.
Why did I have to wake up?

417 · Sep 2013

One Hundred and Twenty One

Ellyn k Thaiden Sep 2013

One Hundred and Twenty One

One hundred and twenty
Poems published on this page
It is not my whole collection
But a majority of the rage

One hundred and twenty
Pieces of my art
Poured out onto my page
Each one my soul, all a different part

One hundred and twenty
Scattered pieces of my brain
I do not know where is begins
Or where the pieces will end

One hundred and twenty one
Poems on my page
It is not my complete collection
Still not a fraction of my rage

414 · Nov 2013

Kaity

Ellyn k Thaiden Nov 2013

Kaity

Today I found a song
It had my name
Not the exact spelling
But it's all the same

I use to wonder what it
Would feel like to
Be sung about
Don't you?

I wonder if someone
Thinks of me
As the song sings
A beautiful melancholy

Do you still think
Of me this way
Every night
Every day

Because even though the
Song is singing my name
This is how I feel
My emotions not tame

Don't forget me

Miserable At Best.

414 · Jan 2014

I Regret

Ellyn k Thaiden Jan 2014

I Regret

I wish I'd never told you
I now feel your eyes
Through my sweater and jeans
And my privacy feels stripped

This isn't what I wanted
Not even a little
I only wanted you to know so if
I cut too deep it wouldn't shock you

Now I don't know how to act
Around my own mother
I feel awkward and ashamed
All I feel is sadness and pity from you

Please don't let the cuts change
Everything around me
Because change is the last
Thing I need right now

413 · Dec 2012

Forgive Me?

Ellyn k Thaiden Dec 2012

Forgive Me?

Pain, consuming
But the fire is warm
So I might as well stay
In my own lightning storm

Yes I burn
But I burn for you
There is nothngi left to say
Nothing left to do

Besides try to let go
And move into the light
But I am so scared
Burning, blazing, so bright

Maybe if I jump out
As quickly as I can
Maybe the impossible is possible
Maybe, if I ran...

Ran far away
From my fire and flame
Awazy from my hurt
Stop playing this game

But life is a game
And I am just one broken piece
No super glue can fix me
So I wait for the hurt to cease

What if it never does
What if it never halts
What do I do then
When I know its all my fault

I am sorry for what I did
But I promise to play nice
I know I was bad
Skating on already thin ice

But maybe if you give me
Another chance at love
I will be better
Better and way above

Above all the rest
Because third times a charm
I will always love you
Not cause you any harm...

412 · Sep 2013

Party For One

Ellyn k Thaiden Sep 2013

Party For One

I'm going to throw a party
Reserved for one alone
I don't need my friends anyway
They're cruel down to the bone

408 · Aug 2013

Men

Ellyn k Thaiden Aug 2013

Men

I screamed at him
That I hate him
That he has lost all my respect
All trust has been trimed

He shrugged because
He doesn't care
He thinks I'm just angry
He doesn't know my heart is bare

Where that trust used to be
I never fully respected or loved my father
But now he has lost what little he had
Of his depressed daughter

He screamed back at me
Fine get away from me then
So I went, screaming, stomping away
With the thought of I hate men

He doesn't realize
His actions impacted me bigger
Than he thought
I just want to pull the trigger

407 · Apr 2018

I Can't Sleep

Ellyn k Thaiden Apr 2018

I Can't Sleep

I can't sleep
Surrounded in shadows
The A/C hums and
Moonlight slips in through broken blinds
The shows about to begin

The blankets tangle around my legs
My body tosses left and right
Incapable of ignoring the voices
These memories
They shuffle through my head
Intruding my dreams
Invading my thoughts

I can't sleep
Films featuring fear race through my head
Each one a perfect cut
Of moments in my life where
I was no longer in control
Moments when I was helpless
Moments where I am trapped
Simply a bystander to my own life

Suddenly a new scene appears
Taking off it's long worn
Camouflage that is used to hide
Right in between all the other
Ghastly happenings of my life

I can't sleep
I stare at the stars on my ceiling
Feel myself drift off into space
So far away

This memory is new and it hurts more
Than when it first happened

I can't make it stop
The voices won't stay quiet
It won't stop playing in my mind
The film is ******* endless

I can't sleep

This is about intrusive thoughts and PTSD. And how sometimes you don't remember something right after it happened. Not till years later... Written during a fast at 3 at night so sorry if nothing makes sense rn.

#intrusive #thoughts #ptsd #triggers #sadness #i #cant #sleep

407 · Nov 2023

I Don't Want To Die

Ellyn k Thaiden Nov 2023

I Don't Want To Die

I don't want to die

I just want enough cash to survive.
I just want food on the table,
Clothes on our backs,
And a handful of of happy memories

I don't want to die

I just want life to be simple,
I just want to run away from my problems,
I just want
I just want
I just want
I just want to

I don't want to die

I want to not feel selfish.
I just want to take a breath.
To not feel the guilt creep in,
Every time I watch Netflix or Disney.
Every time I try to get a good deal at Walmart or Amazon,
When I buy a burger,
Buy a shirt,
Buy a vacuum,
Buy water
that I'm helping a company further dig it's talons into our soil, our souls,
Our morales trying to take refuge somewhere not in reality
Because this reality can't sustain
A healthy mind
And a healthy wallet
At the same time

I don't want to die

My mind won't stop screaming.
The mind never quiets,
Never pauses,
Never takes respite.

I have locked eyes with something,
I'm not sure what yet.
It waits patiently, though,
At the edge of my vision.

It feels like I can't breathe,
I can't breathe,
"Please, bend the knee,
Get off of me!"

I don't want to die

Gaza is being bombed
Mother's cry out for their children
Father's carry theirs in grocery sacks
The people have been cut of from water, food, electricity, internet

I don't want to die

But sometimes it feels endless,
Feels like I'll never get my peace,
It feels like I'm carving out a place in the world that rejects me at every turn.
An endless fight, rolling the stone uphill.
And yet, I try.

I don't want to die.

I want to keep trying.

I want to keep moving,
Keep making noise
We need to keep making noise,
Now is the time that we resist
Now is the time that we fight back

They can't keep us in the dark anymore
We are seeing the light
Post by post
Video by video
Lived experience, parasocial relationships, live footage
We are watching the horror around the world
As a collective
We can be so much more than individuals, we can rise up
As a collective

I don't want to die

Sometimes it might feel like
I want to die
But I promise, it's not a permanent feeling
We can channel our anguish into passion
Our passion into words
Our words into action
We have the power of transmutation
We can decide where our story goes

I don't want to die

I want to fight

Free Palestine. Free Hawaii. Free Congo. Free Puerto Rico. And more. And don't lose hope. We have the power to change so much. We are on the brink of a whole new way of life, where capitalism and patriarchy and religion don't have to rule our lives. We can do amazing things.

#freepalestine #revolution #freedom #idontwanttodie

406 · Jan 2013

Listen

Ellyn k Thaiden Jan 2013

Listen

Deep thoughts
Fill her head
She wishes to share
But no one listens

The boy wants to say
To his love
I love you
But he doesn't listen

The dog howles
He is in pain
In the middle of the night
But the neighbors don't listen

The old house groans
Protests the people
The furniture too
But the people don't listen

The girl slits her wrists
Gives up on her life
Falls into an abyss
Because nobody listened

The boy told his love
His love laughed
Called him ***
Because his love did no listen

The dog lies dying
Still whinnying
Wanting to be loved
Because the neighbors did not listen

The house is tired
With holes and broken wood
Abandoned and forgotten
The people did not listen

So listen

405 · Jul 2013

Battle of Body and Brain

Ellyn k Thaiden Jul 2013

Battle of Body and Brain

My body whispers
To my head now
It is time for shut eye
If the head will allow

My head says no politely
It would rather stay up all night
Thinking of every mistake I have made
Every foolish fight

Or how life is so short
And we are only gifted with so little
Our body grows old and our souls tired
The bones ache and become brittle

All unfair events
That are out of our hands
Plays though my head
And my heart does not understand

I stay awake and cry at night
Because my brain puts up a fight
With my body out of spite
Because my brain tells everyone 'it's alright'

Nothing is right
My life feels out of control
I feel like I am having a midlife crises
Though I am only sixteen years old

After my brain battles my body
Over control of the dark
It is worn and weathered
With it's several marks

The brain whispers back
'I am done for a few days
You may sleep for now'
It says in a craze

So I can now sleep
Because my brain is worn down
Though the cycle with soon repeat
Everything is alright for now

Really tired, have not been able to sleep. But I think my mind is finally giving in.

402 · Oct 2013

Anything?

Ellyn k Thaiden Oct 2013

Anything?

A feeling this strong
A lust and dream
This persistent Thought
In my head and heavy heart

Must be mutual
You must feel something
Anything?
Oh, okay, only my imagination
And high, irrational hopes again

398 · Nov 2013

Field of Me

Ellyn k Thaiden Nov 2013

Field of Me

I stand almost alone in
A field of grain
And in this field I see
Me

Four perfect copies of
Me
And each
Me looks a little different

One stands and laughter
S i l
p l s
From her mouth
But her eyes are black

In the next me I
See anger dwells
But she doesn't show her
Weakness quite yet

The third has wet cheeks
Sunk in eyes and a weak smile
Though her heart is broken
It still tries to beat

The last is barely there
She is thin and shaking
He body covered from self inflicted wounds
And hateful words and profanities cover her arms

Then you appear and walk behind
Each one of me
And shoot each one in the head
And when you are finished you look up and say

"These are not you anymore
You don't need to hide from your
Friends, your family
And you need to let go your broken heart

And as for your self loathing
We will fix that too
So wake up
And you'll be in my arms"

And with that
I'm trying to let go

We all have our faces. I'm trying to **** mine. This is a dream I have with A certain boy who has my heart.

396 · Feb 2013

An Unfinished Song

Ellyn k Thaiden Feb 2013

An Unfinished Song

Hey foolish one
Why dont you sit down for a while
Why is it that you
Never smile

Look up at the sky
And just have some fun
Watching the clouds
Pass by you

Dont you ever think
Of flying in those clouds
Avoiding all the crowds
And just pray for the best

Let your soul fly free
Let yourself be you
Look up, and around
A world so knew
Let yourself be you
In those clouds

Lift your wings high
Dont be afraid
Let yourself drop
And trust in Him to catch you

A song. Unfinished. Duh.

393 · Nov 2013

Monster

Ellyn k Thaiden Nov 2013

Monster

I could be better,
But I am better
Than it could be
That's enough for me

For the moment being
A moment I hold close
I don't want to let go
But I'm stuck in comatose

I refuse to face reality
I run and hide
Because around ever corner
I see what I don't want to inside

I see the monster
I see the ghoul
I see a young girl
Who broke all her rules

And at the end of the day
I cant change my ways
Repetition is a curse
Repeating things in a haze

My head has become
Detrimental to my health
My own enemy
She steals my happiness with stealth

This monster that I've become
Is not what I want to be
I'm trying hard to
Fix my destiny

But the clock is ticking
My precious time trickling away
Slipping through the hands
Who made me this way

So I guess this is
My farewell note
I'm going to **** my monster
This is the last letter she wrote

391 · Sep 2013

One Night Only

Ellyn k Thaiden Sep 2013

One Night Only

Lets throw it away
For a night
Only one

The differences and struggles
The anger and the fights
Just so we can sleep in peace

One night only
Is all I ask
But you cannot even give that

386 · Jan 2013

Tears of Stone

Ellyn k Thaiden Jan 2013

Tears of Stone

Tears of stone
She sheds tonight
In the middle of darkness
Alone and in fright

We laugh at her
We do not know
When the moon goes up
Her blood drips low

Hanging there
Like a decoration
Her next breath
An anticipation

But she stops breathing
Stops crying herself to sleep
Stops hurting
She does not weep

Now she is gone
We all feel ashamed
That we didn't see
We are all to blame

Those tears of stone
Were never shed again
For her body is drained of fluids
So good night and Amen

384 · Sep 2013

Down The Cracks

Ellyn k Thaiden Sep 2013

Down The Cracks

I hear it
Drip
        Drip
               Drip
As it runs
    D
O
   W
N

My finger tips

It
F
    A
          L
                L
                     S

To the hard
Wood floors
And slips
In be tween
The
C r a c k s

And I am
Okay with that

So let the blood
Drip
         Drip
                 Drip
Straight
   D
O
   W
N

The finger tips

382 · Sep 2013

Keep Moving Forward

Ellyn k Thaiden Sep 2013

Keep Moving Forward

A wise man once said
"Keep moving forward"
So that's what I'll do

I will look back
From time to time
My past made me

But I won't worry
About things
I can't change

380 · Nov 2013

Changing

Ellyn k Thaiden Nov 2013

Changing

They say change is
A good thing

Gavi, this isn't that type
Of change

Please bring my
Gavi back

380 · Oct 2013

You Matter

Ellyn k Thaiden Oct 2013

You Matter

Even the glass
In the old windows
Will eventually break

Even the foundation
Of this building will crumble
Into a pile of clay and ash

And the pillars that
Reach so high now
Will only stand a few feet tall

So what is it all for?
What is the purpose
Why build when all things seem
To do is crumble

The experience
The memories
Legends and stories passed down

Generation to generation
Will hear of the pyramids
And temples in Greece

So if you ever think
Whats the point
No one will remember me

Remember that you helped

You helped build these stone walls
Pillars that stand tall
And broken windows shattered into small

You matter

377 · May 2013

The Other Day

Ellyn k Thaiden May 2013

The Other Day

I dont wanna waste my
Breathe on things I'm trying to
forget my past is troubled and
behind me
And take your weary soul to
Bed, these voices in my
Head are reminding me of
My faults

I always thought when I was with
You the sky would open
Up and thered be something
New I sometimes like to dream that if
I close my eyes I'd see
You

But the bed is growing
Cold and my hands search for
Your sweaty skin, and
Instead I hear the door click
Behind you and it begins

So I cry
I cry out for you
I lay in the bed
Thoughts filled with dread

I always thought when I was with
You the sky would open
Up and thered be something
New I sometimes like to dream that if
I close my eyes I'd see
You

Life is not the same, no
Not anymore and I
Play with my hair as my heart quickens
As you shut that door

I thought I saw you
I thought I saw you
I thought I saw you
The other day

It is a song. I know one half is not the same as the other but I wrote one part a month ago and decided to attempt to finish it. It does not have the same feeling as before.

376 · Oct 2013

Replacements

Ellyn k Thaiden Oct 2013

Replacements

Once butterflies
Now nausea
Once faith
Now doubt

I really thought
We could do it again
But I'm always wrong
I'm always the friend

376 · Aug 2013

White Dust

Ellyn k Thaiden Aug 2013

White Dust

I know she's
In the bathroom stall
Letting the magic dust
Work it's way to her dreams
And she comes out
Her laugh airy

Her windows meet mine
And she halts
Her smile fades
Her laugh stops
And she sniffs the dust and snot
Back into her happy place

I take a step towards her
Eyes wet
With knowing
And she takes a step back
And collapses
Against the concrete

She sits and let's her sadness
Drip down her nose
Her eyes
And her mouth
Speaks of her past in one blurr
Stuttering

I don't even know her
But comfort her I do
And I take
The white dust
In the bag from her hand
And toss it down the toilet

I whisper it's done
All gone
And that she needed to pull herself together
And leave
She whips out her cell
Phones for a woman on the other side

And I leave the bathroom
Thinking maybe something broke tonight

375 · Aug 2013

Sinking

Ellyn k Thaiden Aug 2013

Sinking

I dont wanna waste my
Breathe on things I'm trying to
Forget my past is troubled and
Behind me....
And take your weary soul to
Bed, these voices in my
Head are reminding me of
My faults

I always thought when I was with
You the sky would open
Up and thered be something
New I sometimes like to dream that if I close my eyes I'd see
You

But the bed is growing
Cold and my hands search for
Your sweaty skin, and
Instead I hear the door click
Behind you and it begins

So I cry
I cry out for you
I lay in the bed
Thoughts filled with dread as
Your footsteps echo on the linoleum
And I cry again

I dare not move in hopes
I'll hear your feet smacking the
Hard cold floor again
Sprinting back into my arms
In this lifeless bed
Where our lifeless dreams lay with

We had high hopes
And now we're only
Sinking
Into our mess we have made

Another song. It's late and I don't know if it makes sense or if my grammar and spelling are proper. And I don't care.

375 · Aug 2013

Fuck You.

Ellyn k Thaiden Aug 2013

*******.

I cry as I write
Because a passion builds
A frustration in my mind
And my head chills

*******.
For making me love you
Making me feel
The way I do

373 · Oct 2013

Making Friends

Ellyn k Thaiden Oct 2013

Making Friends

I've just met you
But talking to you
Makes my heart flutter
And we're only on day two

Our conversations feel
Like they are crammed together
Making up for years
Of worn out life, like leather

Your voice hits me hard
Affects my vocal strands
Makes me stutter and fumble
Sweaty and cold hands

Being friends with someone
Who listens but doesn't pity
Who doesn't judge or make assumptions
Who likes me for me

Is a shock to the system
A feeling foreign to me
I hope our friendship can blossom and further
Turn into a wild tree

Maybe we can be
For than "just friends" some day
But for now, friendship is new and magical
I wouldn't have it any other way

371 · Nov 2013

Unfinished Business

Ellyn k Thaiden Nov 2013

Unfinished Business

I don't know how to say
That the other day
I almost put the bullet
Into the left side of my brain

I didn't break it off because the
Connection wasn't there anymore
The reason was because I love you
And I didn't want you to hurt

Unfinished business
Is ugly and painful
I wanted you to be free
Before I flee into darkness

But at five am on Saturday
I decided to not

370 · Apr 2013

Dirt Buddies

Ellyn k Thaiden Apr 2013

Dirt Buddies

When he died
You would lay there
With him
Sitting on top of the dirt

But now kitty
You lay there
Beside him
In the dirt

369 · Sep 2013

Can We Let Go?

Ellyn k Thaiden Sep 2013

Can We Let Go?

There is nothing left
For us to say
So how about just a kiss
And then we can let go?

You go left
And I right
Different paths
One dark, another light

Our eyes betray
How much we will miss
Being together, we thought forever
In eternal bliss

But I succumbed
To any thought
Of our futures intertwining and binding
I left those memories to rot

There is nothing left
For us to say
So how about just a kiss
And then we can let go?

367 · Aug 2013

Not the Same

Ellyn k Thaiden Aug 2013

Not the Same

My body pillow
Isn't you

My diary
Doesn't talk back

My razor blades
Hurt me in a different way

And my heart
Isn't the same

367 · Feb 2013

Matter of Opinion

Ellyn k Thaiden Feb 2013

Matter of Opinion

I am the best painter
I sing with the most tempting voice
I am the worthy person
You can call your friend

I don't live in fear
Of being told no
Because everyone has their
Own opinions

To me I the best
At everything I do
Because I try my hardest
In all my work

Life should be fun
Not lived doubtful and timid
So open up your skull
And look at yourself

You are the best you can be
Which means you are the best
In a matter if opinion
Don't let anyone tell you different

367 · Oct 2013

Strength In Razors

Ellyn k Thaiden Oct 2013

Strength In Razors

I
I don't
I don't need
To cut

Is what I whisper
Over and over again
To myself
Rocking in my bed

It's a comforting motion
With a comforting notion
But it doesn't seem to
Comfort me at all

I
I don't
I don't need
To slice down my thigh

Only you keep
Me going
Keep me from going
From leaving the planet

Thanks love
I don't know why you
Like my scary scattered brain
But I guess I shouldn't complain

I
I don't
I don't need
The razors right now

But I still succumb
No matter what I tell myself
I still fall down
To my knees

I
I still
I still need
To cut

367 · Dec 2012

Pink Scars

Ellyn k Thaiden Dec 2012

Pink Scars

Oh little
Pink scars
Long and short
Lace my arms

Where they came from
I cant say
If I do
You might run away

You tell me I shouldn't
But you cant understand
This is my problem
You cant hold my hand

I have little pink scares
White ones too
They cover my body
Old and new

366 · May 2013

Father

Ellyn k Thaiden May 2013

Father

You scream and yell
Your actions are cruel
What's even worse is
You don't expect a reaction

You in your own little world
If you are not happy
Neither are we
That's how it's always been

This is how it will always be

365 · Feb 2013

Pink Scars Are Back

Ellyn k Thaiden Feb 2013

Pink Scars Are Back

Those white laced lines
Are back again
Greeting me
Like an old friend

Pink and red
They stain my wrists
I cannot help it
The scars turn and twist

They did not like
Being locked up tight
Alone and banging
At my brain in the night

"Just one more"
I tell my hands
But my body does not
Understand

It wants to slice
Twenty more I tried
Until I am ******
Used up and dried

So those little pink scars
Are back to haunt
The razor blades
Are back to taunt

A sort of part two to Pink Scares. They're back darlings.

359 · Sep 2013

Me Myself and I only

Ellyn k Thaiden Sep 2013

Me Myself and I only

Every one is asking
Too much from me

Mom wants perfect hair
Grades and me to wear dresses

Dad wanted a boy
He wants me to have more motivation

The brothers wish for a better sister
A normal sister they will never get

Peers want my friendship and guidance
I want peace and quite

Close friends want me to have all the answers
And not to ask any of my own

Even hello poetry asks
To add another

I want to do what I want to do
For myself and myself only

I start now

357 · Dec 2013

I'm Not A Project

Ellyn k Thaiden Dec 2013

I'm Not A Project

There is a point
Where kissing my scars
Telling me I'm beautiful
And telling me to stop

Isn't enough

I'm not a project to fix
It's not something that
Goes away over night
It won't just be you who stops it

It has to be my decision too

357 · Mar 2013

Soul Stories

Ellyn k Thaiden Mar 2013

Soul Stories

Writing a story
Feels like playing
The piano
Stroking the keys thoughtfully

Loosing yourself
In the music
Of the clicks
And the story in your head

Your soul pours out
Into the type writer
Like your soul pours out
Into the chords

And when you are finished
You sigh and close your eyes
Elated to stroke the last key
To finish both stories

I play piano and write. They are so similar.