Just like the sand in
An hour glass
Running in
And out

Never going anywhere
Sounds just tedious to me

I dont want to be sand
In an hour glass
I wanna be free
I want to be me

And what about
The clock without its hands
It still ticks
In the drawer

Broken, rusty
Never used any more

I dont want to be
Put in a drawer
Away, to be forgotten
I wanna have a legacy

I wanna be remembered
So dont forget me

What about the dusty
Books that sit on this shelf
Have you forgotten
Them also

Pages filled of dreams
Wishes, prayers, and imagination
Did you forget them too?

Well dont forget me
And my legacy
Remember me
Dont forget me

For the first time
In such a long time
My smile is real
And irreversible

You put it there
But you weren't even here
It's amazing what a few
Words through a text can do

I'm actually getting my
Way for once
Usually they just leave
But no, you come back

Back for a second helping
Of crazy

That's okay
I don't like me either

I want to open you up
Flip through your pages
And cover you with kisses

I want to read the Braille
Of freckles
And touch your paper white skin

And after I'm done
Reading your body
You can read mine too

Though I'm sure
My pages won't have the interesting
Story that yours holds

You only wanted my happiness
When I was in despair
I didn't see your struggle
Through my own selfish haze
And I'm sorry

I should have uncovered my eyes
And seen you were there
Arms out and trying to hold me
That's all you wanted
Was to hold me

But I put up a fight
Saying things were all right
I nearly lost my voice
By saying I'm fine
When I was not

I'm still not fine
And I didn't realize the comfort
That you gave until I told you to go
Now I talk less
And cut more

My life a mess
And my heart aches
All I want now
Is your embrace

But I'm not going to get
What I want this time

Am I?

My bed is cold
And I can spread out more
Than I have ever wished
In my short life

I want a love
Tangible and real
Like what I use to have
Before **** hit the fan

It was like a calm
Before the storm
As we fought nearly
On a daily

But in the end
We were in the bed
Together with clasped hands
And tangled legs

But you went left
As I went right
The distance grew
More than we planned

But that's okay
I search for someone
Who also decided
To hang a right

They see the scars
But not the story
They see your mangled outer shell
But not the lessons that put you through Hell

Whether it was from a battle on the field
Or a battle in your head
Or from them cutting you open
To take out the tumor instead

Whether you now have a new
***** in your body
Or you fell of the shed
Maybe you failed at your attempt to be dead

They see the scars
Not the story

Love is a
Sinking ship
A ship of which I
Am captain of

I am going down
With this ship
There is no other
Way to run, dear

I don't quite know how
You knew but you did
I was about to cut up
When you calmed me down

You called me asking if I
Was fine, and I whispered
"I'm not" into the phone
And I started to cry

Thank you for knowing

After you go through Hell
You don't talk about it
You try to push it back
Down your throat

What might seem like Hell
Another person might pray for
But to you it seem like your lowest
It seems like rock bottom

Little did I know
That after the rock hits
It borrows deep into the sand
And continues its journey down

I'm prepared for more
**** to hit the fan
I have braced myself
And I hope to brave this storm too

Because this too shall pass

With that razor
Every slice I make
I hurt the scared little girl
That's pounding on my heart

She just wants to be free from me, too

You look me in the eyes
And threaten to leave me
Because you think my blades
Are all that I can see

But the truth is that
Just because I love you
Doesn't mean you can fix me
This you can simply not do

I will stop on my own time
With my own will
And it will not be because of
Love for you

But love for myself

I'm always searching for peace
Some sort of resolve to chapters
That never received a clear cut ending
Trying to finish writing a story that I didn't start
Viscously attempting to make sense of it all
Filling in the blanks with timid words
Guessing at how it was supposed to end

I want to be angry
I want to leave everyone behind
Go where no one knows my name
Where guilt and shame aren't forced  on me
Find myself and move on like everyone else gets to do
I wonder what it's like to be able to breathe
To break apart from your past self
To find inner peace

I wonder what it's like to be loved by someone
With their whole heart
To be their first choice
I wonder what that looks like
To be loved with no expectations
Trusting someone so deeply
I wonder what it feels like to be held
By someone who could never imagine
Letting you get away
I wonder a lot of things

There's a shadow looming over
Breathing down my neck
It won't let me forget
It forces me to remember

I don't want to remember
I just want my story to end

Yes I really like you
Yes, I would **** for a kiss
But I don't think think the feeling
Is mutual

I'm fine with just being your friend
Yes, it does ****
But yes
I do need you here

Friend or not

I meet you
In the middle
Of September
How could I not remember
That smile of yours

You said that
It wouldnt last forever
But now
Im wishing somehow

It would...

I wish I could know if
I would leave behind a few broken hearts
A few shattered souls
A few people ripped apart

It might change
If I decide to stat or go
When I bite the bullet
What emotions will people show

But I know that if I were to leave
All that would be left behind
Is an empty shell of me
An already empty state of mind

Its been a year
Since I have heard you claws
Click on the floor

Its been a year
Since I have heard you banging
On the back door

Its been a year
Since you ripped that old blanket
You ripped and tore

But the scratches on the floor
The back door
And the blanket in which you tore
Remains the same

But oh love
Nothing is the same

They say that
Money makes the world go round

It's nights like these
That make me wish it simply
Didn't.

While talking to you
You said I made you smile
Made you happy
Made your day

After these months I
Am elated I can
Still make your lips
Shift from their usual form

I'm confused
Because yes, she is sweet
And yes, my heart likes her
And my brain tells me I should

But today something happened

The only place I've slightly conveyed
My issues and my problems whole
Is this website here
This is my diary for strangers far and near

But today you got me talking
As we we're driving
You we're so inviting
I lent my secrets to you

Only time will tell
If this secret sharing
Was a mistake
Or the best choice yet

He used to want to fly
Way up in the sky
But now his dreams are ruined
Cause he's six feet below the frost

One and only one
All I need is one more
Red line of beauty on my skin
Then I'll be complete

I tell myself one
And one turns into four
Which turns into seven
Then we end with twelve

It helps and makes me heal
The cold metal caressing my skin
Almost a burn
And one turns into twelve

Why are we here?
How did we get here?
Where do we go from here?
When did you stop loving me?

Was it a year ago? Two?
Was is more than that?
When did the feelings start to fade?
What did I do for you to stop caring?

The thing is
I feel like you think I'm terrible
I'm walking garbage
You left me like I was

What did you see in me
In the first place?
Why did you even choose me
In the first place?

Was it slow?
Was it some specific action?
I tried to be there for you
I tried to help

But you never let me in
You never let me help
Even when you were vulnerable
You were still closed up

I feel like I never knew you
I feel like you wouldn't know me anymore
I'm not the same person
I'm different, things have changed

They will never go back to
What they were
But I have this sick fantasy
Made up in my head

That you'll call me at 3 a.m.
Voice shaking and heart aching
You'll take everything back
You'll say sorry and want me again

Want me like how I want you

I can't talk to anyone
The way I can talk to you
I can't sit in silence with anyone
The way silence feels comfortable with you

No one feels like you
My heart is empty
I've been doing stupid things
Letting stupid things happen

Just so I can feel something
Anything at all
But everything is numb
It feels like I'm in a play

I'm a guest star in my own life
I'm sleep walking on set
I'm a robot, performing basic functions
I'm a puppet, letting everyone tug on my strings

Nothing feels real anymore
No where feels like home
No one feels like home
I don't know what to do or where to go

I am stuck in a place
I'm not even sure where it is anymore
I can't stop rambling
Filling this empty space

Nothing fills this empty space
My heart still aches
Everyone feels like a stranger
No where is home

I just want to die
Because then the pain would be over
At least I wouldn't feel empty
I just wouldn't exist anymore

That's better than this empty I feel

I can't go back
I don't think I deserve to go back
I don't deserve a lot of things
I don't deserve a lot of people

I don't deserve to be here
They don't deserve someone
As empty as me
As cold and harsh as me

Everyone is pretending to like me
My own lover hates the way I look
My own family tolerates me
That's why I can't leave

If I were to leave
What would I do?
Where would I go?
I'm trapped

I'm trapped in this empty shell
I'm trapped in my own head
I'm trapped in this relationship
I'm so tired

You slice
U
P

Right?

I had never felt such a way,
Until I met you

You cracked me apart and
Made me into something new

Your eyes, your lips
The way your fingers danced

When you played me piano,
Placed me in a tranced

Little did I know that
Was your siren song

Luring me into your arms
As I followed along

But now we've grown older
Then we drifted far apart

If only I could go back in time
And stop it from the start

Maybe I wouldn't lay awake at night
Wishing I could make us feel right
Forcing myself to see the light
Instead what I feel is contrite
Instead I feel my airways, so tight
My brain is toxic, so let it ignite

Burn every bridge I ever built
Set it ablaze and walk away

Let the fire consume me and
Turn to ash what I cannot say

When we first crossed paths
There was a moment I was sure

That you would be my forever
That our love was pure

But then you cracked me open
I was raw and exposed

Slowly I lost myself
I started to necrose

I was holding myself together
Using glue that didn't stick

When you decided to attack me again
With your ***** tricks

You said you had met them
And that you loved them so

So quickly you gave up on us
So quickly you did forgo

When you left me, you left scars
Scars I'm afraid to show

And now you're talking about them
Your new lovers and how

You had never felt such a way,
Until you met them