From my bone marrow I made
a little shell to keep you safe
from all the arrows
shot at your collarbones.
And all I ever wanted was for you to take
this small object of my affection
on which I carved my heart out
and say you’d do the same.

But instead you threw it away
in the grey sand at the break of day
where it wouldn’t even shatter
into pieces small enough
for me not to notice them
amongst all the other
little stones
scattered at my feet.

And now I have to wait
for the wind to bury it.

Along with all my hopes
for a little shell.

In which I can fit
my little soul.

How long
Is it okay
To be in pain.
How long
Do I get
To be hurt.
When do
I reach
The point
Of no return,
When all
My reasons
Break
And all of my
Self-imposed rules
Go to waste.
I hope
Not much longer.

Please take my heart
And trap it inside of your ribcage
It seeks artificial closeness
Even if it has to make a mess
Of me in the process

Darling, won’t you please
just pick and be done with me?
But no, you stay and bide your time.
Won’t let me rest until I’ve died.
Three ghosts now haunt your mind.

I guess you like it that way.
I just wish I had a bigger say in this matter.
I wish my presence would be bigger.
Big enough so that I could block out
all the background noise all by myself.
Big enough so that I would stand my ground
and not back out trying to preserve
something that was rotting from the inside.

“Never back down without a fight.”
Well, I fought for you, love,
but I’m not grand enough to survive
a cold war that has no ending.
Not until the end of time.

Time is something we have little off.
You taught me that.

It was the butterfly effect.

I wish I could break
I wish I could let myself
Fall to pieces
And shatter

But pride
Is a stubborn thing
And it drags me along
Holding the shards together
Convincing each one
That it matters

And that dulling the edges
Against each other
Is worth it
Until I’ve finally become
Numb
To mindless chatter

-
*Sometimes I feel like the Mad Hatter.

I went out
Scarf-less
Breathless
Into the night
Into my light

Into the narrow
Sober streets
Exclusive to me
In my moment
Of plight

Crooked alleys
Slanted shadows
They preach to me
My mentality
Creeping
Up my silhouette
Strangling my bare neck and
Holding back tears
Held back all these years

I feel light

So don’t worry
I’ll be back soon,
Whoever you are.

Oh how I wish I could walk
with the aura of my namesake.

That I would never have doubts.
That my self-confidence would never waver.
That I would have any confidence whatsoever.
That I would have a sassy remark about everything.
That I would always have a comeback prepared.
That I would never be afraid to use it.
That I would always have a funny story to tell.
That I could always be there for everyone.
That everyone would care.
That I would never feel “dead inside”.

But, alas,
I am a person.
I am not a wish-fullfilment fantasy.
I will never grow into her,
because despite my feel-good delusions,
I am not her.
And she will never be me.