It's hard to be a coward and suicidal,
Afraid of pain and overly-sensitive to guilt simultaneously.
Never wanted to jump from a building,
Because regretting your decision halfway down must be a nightmare.
Must only take a few seconds.
Must feel like longer than you've ever lived.
Didn't want to jump in front of a bus,
Because that seems wildly ineffective.
Didn't want to lie on train tracks;
I know those videos of dismembered people end up
On the darkest places of the Internet,
And I'm nothing if I'm not embarrassed by attention.
Didn't want to hang myself, had enough hospital trips
From asthma attacks rendering me breathless to want to relive it.
Tried to hang myself.
Wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be.
Didn't want to overdose on pills
Because I have an aversion to swallowing them.
Realised the only reason you aren't supposed to chew them
Is so you don't overdose.
Tried to overdose.
Woke up confused and frightened with an apparently not-killer headache.
But that was back then, and this is now.
I don't look at things and see invitations of death anymore.
There's no temptation to analyse them
And see if they're up for the job.
I'm less on the aggressive side of the spectrum,
Swaying, instead, a lot more to being passive.
I don't want to dive in front of traffic,
But I don't always look before I cross the road either.
And I could still end up in the same coffin as if I'd jumped,
But for me, there's a lifetime of difference.

'Was it all worth it', she wondered as her feet hit the earth. Was the experience she had taken in a disappointment to the ones she held dear?

Will they accept her broken promises and look the other way? Have they already anchor her down to the sorrows they have felt?

The way her mind swirls many will call a paradox of a time relapse that has been lost forgotten in an empty deserted land. And she wonders if it'll ever make sense to another living man.

Her life doesn't shine as they say it should in the books and her feet don't care her as long as they should.

They call this depression, but she wished she never heard. Then maybe the voice of misguided gestures of the ignorant will stop raving her mind.

She never felt truly accepted by the people she calls home and they call this anxiety, a word that means no home.

Fitting isn't it? For a girl with long hair to feel as if her life is a never ending misery?

The only thing she hopes for is to be free on a day with daisies and butterflies in the air.

I EAT A SUBOXONE FOR LUNCH
I THINK THAT IM GONNA THROW UP
THATS A LOVELY BUZZ AND SIDE AFFECT OF BEING FORCED TO GROW UP
I MISS BEING YOUNG IN SUMMER
ONLY TWENTY ONE & BUMMED OUT
ALWAYS SOMETHING WRONG & ITS MY FAULT I JUST KEEP FAULTING OUT
& ALL THE LOVELY LADIES THAT IVE LOVED JUST THINK IM CRAZY CUZ MY LOVE AROUND THE CLOCK THE LOVE THEY GIVE TO ME IS LAZY
& IT BREAKS ME, ALWAYS BREAKS ME, EVERY TIME IT FEELS THE SAME N IM ALIVE BUT DEAD INSIDE I GO OUTSIDE TO FEEL THE RAYS & I DISSOLVE
DONT WANNA BE INVOLVED
DESIRE TO EVOLVE I FEEL THE RAIN  & CRACK A SMILE SYMBOLS INESCAPABLE
ALWAYS FALL, FOREVER FALLEN NEVER FALLEN FOR
I PLACE FLOWERS IN THE HINGES LATCHES OF YOUR LOCKING DOOR
& I KNOW THAT THEYLL PROLLY DIE YEAH YOU WONT EVER WATER THEM
BUT I JUST FIGURED MAYBE YOU MIGHT SMILE AT THE THOUGHT OF THEM
& IF I COULD CONTROL ALL THESE EMOTIONS I COULD CALL YOU FRIEND
IM SWEPT IN THE INTENSITY DEFENSLESS & A FALLEN MAN

My sister asked how I got my scars
That run half the length of my lower left arm
Casually, almost offhand, I asked her why
"If I had cuts like that I'd cry"

"Well little sister, perhaps it's best
If I lay your mind to rest
And say that I was not okay during this time
And we should focus on the present rather than what is behind"

She was satisfied with this, but I was not
My heart burst so hard, like I was shot
I want to protect her from this torturous truth
That "I was not okay" and was tempted to try the noose

More like the knife, I even had a plan
Yet I'm better now, I don't understand
Just like my little sister, things confuse me
Like what's in my head and what is reality