i went to the doctor today

i cried before i went in
not because of the doctor

but because of my father

he tells me i have to grow my hair out
i have to be a good little girl

i'm not his little girl
i was only pretending

i am me
genderqueer
short hair

i will not grow out my hair
for his ****** up ideals
of the perfect daughter

when i am not his daughter
at all

i am trying
to remember how to write

i can write this
can't I?

i want to write
but
i dont remember how

scream
loud,
be
heard,

its ok

music is important
to me

my father doesnt like music

I cant see why or how,
its a distraction
from the noise

the droning noise
that follows me
everywhere

even when i'm alone
when i'm at home
the droning
the noise

ringing
crashing
screaming
crying

the noise that is drowned out
by a simple melody

a simple hum when driving
whistling when walking
music when crying

music is important

its happening

my lungs are constricting

breathing is stuttering

hands are shaking

i thought i was better

its been so long

my head pounds

i just want to go home
to sleep
to be alone

i could fake sick

but i wont