ignore all possible concepts and possibilities ---
ignore Beethoven, the spider, the damnation of Faust ---
just make it, babe, make it:
a house  a car   a belly full of beans
pay your taxes
****
and if you can't ****
copulate.
make money but don't work too
hard --- make somebody else pay to
make it --- and
don't smoke too much but drink enough to
relax, and
stay off the streets
wipe your *** real good
use a lot of toilet paper
it's bad manners to let people know you **** or
could smell like it
if you weren't
careful

little dark girl with
kind eyes
when it comes time to
use the knife
I won't flinch and
i won't blame
you,
as I drive along the shore alone
as the palms wave,
the ugly heavy palms,
as the living does not arrive
as the dead do not leave,
i won't blame you,
instead
i will remember the kisses
our lips raw with love
and how you gave me
everything you had
and how I
offered you what was left of
me,
and I will remember your small room
the feel of you
the light in the window
your records
your books
our morning coffee
our noons our nights
our bodies spilled together
sleeping
the tiny flowing currents
immediate and forever
your leg my leg
your arm my arm
your smile and the warmth
of you
who made me laugh
again.
little dark girl with kind eyes
you have no
knife. the knife is
mine and i won't use it
yet.

the lady has me temporarily off the bottle
and now the pecker stands up
better.
however, things change overnight--
instead of listening to Shostakovich and
Mozart through a smeared haze of smoke
the nights change, new
complexities:
we drive to Baskin-Robbins,
31 flavors:
Rocky Road, Bubble Gum, Apricot Ice, Strawberry
Cheesecake, Chocolate Mint...

we park outside and look at icecream
people
a very healthy and satisfied people,
nary a potential suicide in sight
(they probably even vote)
and I tell her
"what if the boys saw me go in there? suppose they
find out I'm going in for a walnut peach sundae?"
"come on, chicken," she laughs and we go in
and stand with the icecream people.
none of them are cursing or threatening
the clerks.
there seem to be no hangovers or
grievances.
I am alarmed at the placid and calm wave
that flows about. I feel like a ***** in a
beauty contest. we finally get our sundaes and
sit in the car and eat them.

I must admit they are quite good. a curious new
world. (all my friends tell me I am looking
better. "you're looking good, man, we thought you
were going to die there for a while...")
--those 4,500 dark nights, the jails, the
hospitals...

and later that night
there is use for the pecker, use for
love, and it is glorious,
long and true,
and afterwards we speak of easy things;
our heads by the open window with the moonlight
looking through, we sleep in each other's
arms.

the icecream people make me feel good,
inside and out.

We all need our walls
They keep out that which is unwanted

So, you ***** a simple structure of wood

But wood can be burned
And is therefore, insufficient

So, you build it up with brick
Encasing either side

But brick can be crushed to powder
And wood can be burned
And is therefore, insufficient

So, you build it up with granite stone
Encasing either side

But granite stone can be mined away
And brick can be crushed to powder
And wood can be burned
And is therefore, insufficient

So, you build it up with wrought iron
Encasing either side

But wrought iron breaks if struck in the right place
And granite stone can be mined away
And brick can be crushed to powder
And wood can be burned
And is therefore, insufficient

So, you build it up with four-inch steel
Encasing either side

But four-inch steel can be cut away
And wrought iron breaks if struck in the right place
And granite stone can be mined away
And brick can be crushed to powder
And wood can be burned
And is therefore, insufficient.

But then you ponder
The wood
The brick
The granite
The iron
The steel

And you realize
In trying to protect your soft core
In trying to spare others from the radiation that is your uniqueness
In building your fortress
You have isolated yourself

And though you feel your wall
Will always be insufficient

In truth

Nobody
Will ever be determined enough
Or brave enough
To cut away the four-inch steel
To strike and break the iron
To mine away the granite stone
To crush the brick to powder
To burn the wood
And crush the brick to powder
And mine away the granite stone
And strike and break the iron
And cut away the four-inch steel

In keeping others out
You have locked yourself in
Your own private, frozen hell
Of toxic radiation

The ice consumes you
And only you can thaw it
The wall looms tall and dark
And only you can demolish it
You cannot stop being who you are
And only you can convince yourself that you are not toxic

But you were never truly trying to keep others out, were you?
You were trying to keep out yourself

You are your own worst enemy

Limitless I think you are
Until you build a wall.
I have too many myself,
Help me make them fall.

I am lost.
Yet,
Something is telling me you are just like me.
Maybe
We were put in the darkness
To find each other.