i am falling

there is nothing solid beneath my feet
the air is rushing past my ears
i can feel gravity’s relentless grip on my shoes,
pulling me down, down,
down.

my hands grasp in the dark
for something to grab onto,
anything at all,
that could help me make sense of this situation
or save me.

my hands try but
everything is slipping through my fingers.
no hand-holds,
only pieces of something, fragments.
only darkness everywhere.

you move with a surge
a power that rolls through
across the vast expanse
of fields in dreamland

you **** everything in your path
the trees die, the leaves die,
the grass is no longer green
my sky no longer blue

you are the parasite
I am the vessel
you poisoned me and now you want out
and I want you out too

you claw your way out of my chest
and escape through my throat
in short puffs of desperate air
you steal my breath from me

you are the dark side of my thoughts
you are my fears, you are my doubts
you have become every part of me
and i am at your will

Sometimes you are showers in april.
I know you by your scent, I can feel in my bones when you’ll be around me
I feel you on my skin, your lightness covers me
The mist of you envelopes and mystifies me
I cannot predict you but I know you are evercoming

Sometimes you are a storm.
Your wild winds whip past my face and I have to fight through to keep up
You are deafening in my ears as my protests fall on deaf ears
Your cold droplets are hard and heavy and they follow me wherever I go
And yet I still find you just as beautiful to watch

Sometimes you are the eye.
You are a mysterious green of calm, the air is sweet as I taste it on my tongue
My own storm clouds are ever persistent, but they grow quiet in your lull
You give me peace before the impending downpour that will not leave me alone
You keep me grounded as we become one with the earth

and my sighs turned into songs
and she sings with her sighs
though I never ask why
for I know the songs aren't for me

i recall that day last winter
the sky was black
the snow was tall
and it wasn't particularly cold

the snow had stopped falling from the sky
and the whole world had stopped too
everything paused
i have never seen a road more empty

the tracks of my boots were the only marks
that marred the pristine streets
i walked in the middle of the road
the traffic lights still changed around me

the air wasn't cold
but it was lonely
which might as well have been
the same thing

a stone is in me
meteorite in my hand
star that shined like you

i hold my breath
for as long as i can
until i can no longer
and then i breath out some more
and wait
wait
wait until
i feel myself slow down.

the breath that i finally take
is never sweet

Where do we come from?
I used to think I came from the earth, from my mother,
From something that I couldn’t understand, something other
Then I thought that maybe I came from you,
That somewhere in the universe one soul split into two
As I became me, and you became you

Where will we go?
At the end of the day, when all's said and done,
You are for me, and you said I was the one
So how can you tell me that you're "unsure"?
What the **** was all of this even for?
How do you not feel the same anymore?

sometimes i start to feel like i'm turning inside out
and it was you who watched on.
and it was you i was counting on
and it was i who sewed this body back together

do you love me, baby?
i haven't felt your embrace in my heart for some time
even before this emptiness encased me.
don't say you love me for my sake,
say you love me if it's true

what is left of me
if i don't have autonomy
i've lost control
of the reins of my body

he opened me up
and broke me down
without asking
i'd been turned inside out

he's always around
and he always will be
i ask and i plead
does anyone hear me?

freezing, falling white
like feather-light kisses
decorating my lashes
stuck to my scarf
frozen fingertips and numb nose
hot chocolate dreams

he tells me that I'm sugar-sweet
like honey
thick, sticky, dripping golden

I told him he's more ****
like a lemon twist
hard, sour, shocking when sweet

he said our tastes' complement one another
I take his lemon sucker
he drinks the honey from the hive

but he found a bee in the honeycomb
and learned that even sweet things
sting like the lemon juice in my cuts

he takes a jar on his way out
I brush my teeth
to protect my enamel from lemon zest

inches apart
a shift in the air
my eyes close without closing
and hands in your hair

my heart skips a beat
my breath follows suit
i hold my words back
'my heart beats for you'

did i imagine it?

reality seems so far away
and so out of touch
i am tortured in this prison
of the subconsciousness

it is the only place i exist,
i am stuck under my skin.
i have closed the doors and shut the windows
so even the summer breeze can't get in

my blood boils my veins
and it poisons my heart
its my own flesh and soul
that is tearing me apart

my vision has gone black
my eyes roll on the ground
i sewed my mouth shut
and i scream with no sound