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Dust Bowl Dec 2017
I tie my strings together,
Before the frays can scare you away.
You like me when I'm begging,
But only half hearted.

I started being vulnerable the day I realized endearment was no longer an anchor,
But you wear masculinity like a chain, too heavy for me to ever hold you.
It's maddening
Watching you run from me,
Sidestep and tiptoe across emotions.
The world used to be my racetrack,
Til I drove into the wall and still came out lonely on the otherside.
I never hit the breaks for you.

You want me *******,
But I've never been good
at unraveling slow.
Dust Bowl Oct 2017
I am always missing out.
They locked me inside of my own house
And keep bragging about what the leaves look like on the trees.
There is so much happening
And I have far too many keys to sort
Before I can unlock the door.
I cut all the papers with your name on them into a pile and jumped in,
Fell into a dream where the sun is orange but burns so hot it looks white.

I'm a firm believer in music but haven't listened to it in years.
When the birds sing
It sounds like pebbles against the windows.

I put you in the ground the day I told someone your name.
Let it drip from my lips like a flood,
Like a dam bursting,
Filled to the brim with grief.
They say I talk about you like your waiting for me on the porch,
Like it's just a door that's keeping us apart.

They'll never understand how it can still feel like that.
How speaking your name was the closest I'll come to a eulogy,
How my heart still races when someone knocks.

They think I'm crazy
Because I keep yelling about the bars on the windows,
How you keep throwing pebbles
to me.
My mother opens the blinds
But the sun won't shine through,
Throws open the glass
But the wind jams in the screen.
My soul still feels like a room you can't air out,
Mourning is a dark room you can't light up.
Dust Bowl Sep 2017
I keep having this nightmare
where you show up on my doorstep, but our hearts
don't recognize eachother anymore.
  Jan 2017 Dust Bowl
Mona
The water has a sound,
I've only heard
when I was by myself.
It tells a secret
The way the circles
Form and swirl.

Just for a moment,
I never knew you.

And never tasted
Disappointment all too soon.

These vast acres,
Remind me of days,
When it was just me.
The sprinklers
Would cry 
And I would run free.

Just for a moment,
The weight elevated.

And matters of life 
and death were left to fate.

But the sun lied to me,
When I looked at the surface,
I only saw the break of day.
I kept searching and searching
But I never did
Find my face.

Just for a moment,
I was never here.

The earth revolved easier,
The sky had less tears.

Only that tree
Shall mourn my loss
When I echo off of the rope.
The moon can take 
Where I left off,
As my heart shall soak.

Just for a moment,
You won't think of me.

From this soundless world,
I wish you can find peace,
Under the same tree.*

● ● ●
2/17/2016
Dust Bowl Jan 2017
You loop the rope around my wrists,
so delicately
I almost forget this is supposed to thrill me.
Your eyes glow barbaric
but mine can't unlock
from the braided cord
just barely rubbing my skin.

I never liked ropes in these kinds of situations,
I never felt they were right kind of tempting.
You see when you become part of the other you have to embrace it,
Like a flaw,
Only this one comes with a body count.
The rough texture of the rope feels like hay,
Like beard stubble
pressed against your cheek
in a high school classroom,
Like broken strands of your now fried hair lying at the bottom of your shower drain.
My wrists have a noose around them,
But this is a suicide not a lynching.

When his wife crawls into her bed
at the end of the night,
she won't smell my perfume,
We never go to his room.
I don't want to know
what a marriage bed looks like.
But you have to understand,
This is my choice.
I don't want him to love me,
Nor do I think he ever will.
He loves what I do to him,
What I'll let him do to me,
And that's as much of a connection
as the both of us need.

It always ends with me being called
his *****
by a woman who doesn't know
he's turned on by that word,
But I never break them up.
Either she doesn't leave,
And if she does,
We all 3 know this wasn't my doing.
The rope snapped
And its my skin that is left raw.
Their tension will only make me bleed.

Love will hurt you.
Women like me are a catalyst,
Not a damnation
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