I want to see Jesus.
Not the storybook one in the white robes with the blue eyes,
the dark-eyed Jesus, brown-skinned and stained.
I want to see Jesus the man who was God
the man whose feet were *****
whose sweat dripped as he sawed the wood with Joseph,
whose hair fell into his eyes as he bent over his work.
I want to see Jesus whose lean back was muscled from years of hard labor
whose hands were rough from handling raw timber,
who could have fought the soldiers and won because he was fit and able
but who didn't because that wasn't the plan.
I want to see Jesus strong, respected by men, honest and capable,
used to negotiating prices, smiling and confident.
I want to see Jesus the man who loved his mother
and followed her instructions even when he would have preferred not to.
I want to see Jesus the man who was God
when he walked through the crowds who loved him,
disappeared from those who would harm him
and strode across the water as though it were land.
I want to see Jesus the man
who gave up his healthy, well-liked, successful life
to become the savior of the world.
I know God--
invincible, maker of heaven and earth, almighty, omnipotent, omniscient, always with us.
I want to know Jesus
who came to earth
just because he loved me.

He said you never laugh anymore since you had the baby.
I said I’m tired, I smell like soured milk, I’m lonely, I miss my friends.
He said if you don’t like your life, then change it.
I said, how, standing there with his second baby in my arms.

He said it’s been six months and you’re still fat.
Lose the baby weight or I’ll leave you.
I said I’ll lose the weight, don’t go.

The doctor said a woman of a certain
age loses the structural foundation of her *******.
Breastfeeding does that, too.
I was thirty-five.
I had fed three babies and was proud.
He watched and was disappointed.

I worked hard and was strong.
I sneered at women with fat ankles and scaly feet,
bad skin and protruding bellies.
I said, they should work harder to keep themselves up.
It’s their fault. They are lazy. They eat too much.

He said, I’m tired of living with sick and crazy people
and ran away from home.
I was tired, too, but my sons were crazy and sick,
and I couldn’t run away.

He sold my home
took my work,  and my garden, and
left me responsible for the ones he ran away from.

He took the future I thought I was building--
grandmother and granddaddy,
holidays,
family dinners,
companionship,
quiet nights.

I am become the women I sneered at,
round, lazy, and disrespected.
I say I know now that they were young once,
that their skin was clear, and their bellies flat.
I say, don’t think that how I look is who I am.
I am smart. I am kind.
I understand. I lead.
I listen. I laugh.
I write. I read. I explain.
I learn. I teach.
I know.

Who I am is not how I look.

Everyone laughed,
'A younger man?'
'By how much?!!'
Jealousy,Envy,
even Pity,
abounded.
I was surrounded,
By doubters.
Waiting for me to fall.
Well,
I did.

We tied the knot,
It felt forever,
An adventure into
the Land of never.

Oh! how we loved
right from the start,
couldn't stop
the beat of our Hearts.

''You maybe older then me''
He'd say,
''Beauty undiminished
You don't look a day,
older.........''
It didn't bother him,
then.

He really gave me his all,
in words,writing,
lovely cards,
whole being,
in thrall.
We were so happy
at the start.

I never tired of gazing
at his face,
incredible Grace,
His sureness of pace.

We moved and traveled,
all over the place,
two Nomads seeking
a secure haven,
to be.

Here, there, everywhere,
no cares.
I managed it all,
Never thought I would fall.

Then one day we kissed,
It was wanting,
His cell phone rang,
the sound was haunting,
strangely.

No one there,
He said,
Yet had murmured
in a language
yet to be learnt,
by me.

Slowly by degrees,
He slipped from
my arms,
took his Heart with Him,
to bestow upon,
who knows?
some others?
Lovers?

I clung on and on,
not seeing the truth,
that somehow,
I was deceived,
then bereaved
finally,
by this youth.
for the loss of Him.

I don't regret it,
not a day,
I'd chucked  all
that came before,
for Him.
But worth it,
happy from the off,
in between.
Thankful for what
we had,
What has been,
Now gone.

As I snuggle down in my Yellow stripe bed
all crisp with white and rose trim red,
all around,warm scent of musk
lingers still
from bodies touched,
of matted gold across pillow swept,
smooth silk back,
catching the glow of the half street light
that dims thru the blinds
out of the night
into the gloom
of my now,empty room.

Yet still I feel your warm heat there,
the softest touch of where you were,
the even breath listened to,
unsettling my own tried rhythm with you.

'Twas not the frantic beat of two entwined
that hovers here,
nor
how whispered things
fell incoherent,drowning in my hair,
nor when the stars appeared and shuddered there.

It was later,
My thoughts so now embrace,
that moment when you turned your face
to sleep your dreams,your dreams unknown,
away from me,
away,alone.
How beautiful in that half light you looked.
Then tracing my fingers on your arm,
crooked around your head above,
I uttered wordlessly,
Goodnight my love.

Oft times I dwell on Denmark,
Lilacs,Roses wild,
long stretch golden beaches
Sea for miles and miles.

Pure in fading sunlight
Rainbows laying down
colors everywhere.
Paint peel upturned rowboat,
dried out by the sun,
sits tight it's place upon the sand,
Someone left it there.

Shafts of Gold and Orange,
glorious in their cast
alight the magical fir trees,
sturdy,built to last,
to stand against the winds
that often prowl the sand,
echoing the Viking Gods
whispering through the land.

They tell of ancient stories
their legends and the Sea,
sometimes,
I hear them calling,
calling out to me.

Once I stood upon a clifftop
where the wind rose up to brush my face
my cheek,
blowing my hair behind me.
It opened up my heart to feel,
as if
God himself was coming at my heel.

As if I stood on the edge of time,
glimpsed beyond life itself,
  heard the cry of gulls
beneath my feet,
howling some anguished message
in their desperate frenzy to eat.

I breathed the Ocean's scent
saw it's deep blue green erupt,
as it hit the hard rocks of time,
unbowed and unbent,
not to be tamed,broken or trapped,
mysteries remaining untapped,
forever.
perhaps only to be caught in my imagination,
like a photo, a painting,a dedication
for memories sake.

This magic,this ocean deep,
this pure,good energy,that heals and soothes,
the horizon,
where the water meets the skies,
these things,
I found
within your eyes.

We were sitting in the parking lot
of the ice cream shop.

Talking in her car was enchanting,
and then we kissed.

Her lips were cold
from eating the frozen treat.

But they warmed
my heart.