Her name is heaven,
Saint-like,
Yet she was wanted.
Her impurity shown with every comment,
Her façade being poked and prodded by myself.
Yet I had lost,
Not just myself,
But you.
Screaming into the chest of my coworker,
Saying you loved her.
What does your love mean?

It’s those days when you wake without notice,
Sweat dripping down the side of your face.
Sitting up and looking around,
You’re heart is racing and pounding against the rib cage.
A hand on your shoulder,
A soft whisper from behind.
But your back is against the wall.

When running to you,
everything is electric,
The sounds,
your touch,
the breeze.
As I run to you,
Without hesitation,
A sense of longing,
Safety,
Security.
While I run to you,
I remember how glad I was,
Happiness,
Loved.
Embraced by your arms of love,
And i remember once again,
How much I love running into you.

I used to look at you and see the universe light up in your eyes.
The glitter of a thousand worlds,
Captured in those brown eyes.
My world revolved around you,
As the Earth does around the Sun.
You held me your hands as if I was fragile seashell,
Yet your grasp was firm and demanding.
Voicing concerns always in vain,
You delt the cards I had to face.
What I had thought you gave was nothing to what I thought it was,
Love doesn’t endure such crazy madness.
I had made mistakes I cannot take back,
I **** myself for what is done and you see nothing.
Blind as the joke you say,
You never noticed yourself pull away.
Bleeding through hands and feet I held on for you to stay,
Hopping you’ll come back home to me.
The world doesn’t work as such and I’ve come to terms that your eyes held not of the universe and worlds,
But of those whose souls you stole and ate to only spit out.
You had my entire being regardless of flaws,
Now it’s time to continue with myself,
Alone is what was meant for me.

Succumbed to the weakness of you,
Tolerating what was then.
Personals never to brought upon,
Yet stuck to my skin like summer sweat.
One night,
One life,
One set to say goodbye.
Fake customers and heard in the deep,
I can’t run back no longer I could.
I played with the mental,
Still stood tall,
And I am still sticking to my memoir of you.
Life isn’t easy nor is it quaint.
I’ve loved both and one still stands.
To be in love is an act of weakness,
To let those who figure realize.
I’ve know what I did,
Nobody could compare to what was;
Least I know what I do.
Again starting back to what I knew

That Breath of air when swimming under the water too long,
That’s what life was.
Suffocating,
Undesirable,
A vast liquid of nothing.
That is till the burning in my lungs form,
Seizing at every attempt to breathe,
Struggling to find which way is up.
The frantic grasps of liquid,
Thighs and legs kicking rapidly,
As if all was lost the fresh breeze hits my hand.
I’ve made it,
All throughout the doubts,
Every tribulation has come to this.
Air.

Sometimes I wish you saw what I did,
Someone hidden so far in the dark,
Desperately trying to free yourself from it.
I see you,
I feel it when I caress your skin,
Even then I don’t need too feel when I sense it.
You truly don’t understand the depth of your hold,
How clutching its become,
Yet I want you with everything I do.
Whether we are around or not,
Fighting or finally being able to be in love,
It has been you for a whole year now.
Once upon a time,
It was what I had wished for,
Now that wish is gone.
Laying in the bed you no longer lie in,
Feeling your fingers sliding down my back and up toward my neck,
The kisses shared nothing but fireworks; always.
I will miss you always,
As I do to those who’ve stole my heart,
But you;
You’ve taken my entirety,
My mind,
Body,
And soul.
</3:C.R.R.

Honesty isn't hard to give,
I gave all of it,
Not wanting one moment to be ruined by me.
Yet here we stand,
Two different oppositions,
Two different types of trust,
No recollection of either.
One lost,
The other barely being found,
Our histories are different,
So why was it I.
Losing you kills me,
Even if you don't believe it,
But I also want you to be it.
Become the man I need,
I can wait,
I chose you to wait for.
Yet here I stand,
I am the liar,
I am the untrustworthy,
I was nothing.
A home to build,
A life with love from all sides,
But here we stand.
Apart.

I don’t NOT love you,
I just choose to separate myself from,
Who you are becoming with me.

So many things I want,
Being happy,
Being happy with someone I love.
Also,
Being happy with me.
I know what must be done,
Although I am not quiet ready for it,
I have to.
Anxiety ridden and masking,
I wish to be free,
But that all has to start with me.

You keep me sane,
Truly you do.
Collectively you speak to me,
And i am weak.
Like a sedative I cave into relaxation,
Knowing you are here brings me peace.
Sleeping peacefully,
Laughing,
I just need to enjoy the life.
Enjoy you.

One day your in love,
The next you’re trying to be okay,
Sometimes you have your bestfriend,
Other times you’re looking for them.
Reluctantly we all make our choices,
Our free will navigating our lives,
Thoughts processed for what will not ever be.
Guilt colliding with memories,
Losing what was had.
Forever in pain.

Reluctantly stubborn,
You come like a hurricane,
One small opening of purity and serenity.
We will never be compatible,
No longer will I be your friend,
So I sit in your shadows watching you grow.
One day you’ll see what I see,
Believe what I know,
We all see it.
You’ll perceive it how you will,
There isn't angst towards you,
Never will it ever be.

It’s weird,
The people we all talk to,
Eventually all become the strangers we never wanted.

Tiny handprints,
Yet your fingers have slipped,
without the hand that was holding yours,
I am now lost.

I just think,
What if I’m not as strong as everyone thinks?
What if I’m never ready?
I just think,
What if I was never suppose to be anything but a lesson.

That feeling of sunken darkness,
Seeping through the light you held so long too,
Not even trying to defer it.
The demons held back have been greeted,
Now I a bottomless shell enlisted in their possession.
Confined and broken you still try,
Walking as though your not in molten lava,
Breathing enough for a satisfied cough to end the misery.
Crying as if you were the Nile,
Screaming like you’re being murdered,
And silence.

Here we go again,
The spiral down and this time,
This time it’ll hurt.
Stuck in the same spot,
Neither wanting to move,
So we stay.
It’s okay,
It’s alright,
We got this,
All sweet nothing of lies.
Now you don’t get to have me,
You’ll see me smile brighter,
Laugh louder,
Conversation will go about.
In this life,
I won’t sit back and hurt,
Cry when I can’t,
Scream when frustrated,
I’ll survive.
I always do.

Goodbyes are always hard,
The remorse of not doing more,
The guilt of your fault,
The anger of betrayal,
And the sadness of all the memories.
Yet we still do nothing,
Till the next death comes around.

Delyla and Gabe,
Sitting in a tree,
K-I-S-S-I-N-G,
First comes love,
Then comes our dreams,
You went away and I was left to stay.

A regañadientes terco,

Vienes como un huracán,

Una pequeña apertura de pureza y serenidad.

Nunca seremos compatibles,

Ya no seré tu amigo,

Así que me siento en tus sombras viéndote crecer.

Un día verás lo que yo veo,

Cree lo que sé,

Todos lo vemos.

Lo percibirás como lo harás,

No hay angustia hacia ti,

Nunca lo será.

Of course I believed you,
Listened to your stories,
Your lies.
Yet there you stand mighty and high,
Manipulating those around.
Another relationship ruined,
Jealousy and animosity,
Then the rumors.
So again I will sit here,
While you spin your lies,
And be the black widow in your eyes.

No more calls,
No more inside jokes,
Birthdays and holidays are celebrated;
But you won’t be there.
Holding hands,
Sneaking kisses in the hallways,
Being kids;
But that won’t happen again.
Racing our vehicles,
Shadow boxing with your grandpa,
Your playful tackles;
But these memories are in the past.
Walking down the isle,
Building a home,
Having the one kid dreamt of;
But you won’t be there.

The way you held yourself,
Your smile and warmth.
Too see you prosper,
Grow and conquer.
You are my everything,
Even after everything.
I can’t be a Queen,
Without my King by my side.
I love you,
Forever yours.

Falling in love,
In two words?
It hurts.

When I promised you always,
I meant it.
When telling you that I’d always be here,
I meant it.
Our friendship was amazing and solid,
We meant it.
I couldn’t keep you in my life,
They meant it.
I was going to lose you because I can’t  choose,
I chose anyways.
I wanted my people in my life,
Little did I know you were my people too.
When I promised to always love you,
Friends or not,
I meant it

You were the first person I thought of,
Your name in a new created message,
Of course I cancelled it anyways.
Gold was the goal,
I did it and you weren’t there…

It’s like breathing,
Only I don’t know how I’m breathing.
Everything seems dull,
Uninteresting,
Bleak.
I hate knowing you make me feel like this,
All because of lies, miscommunications,
And connections.
An unspeakable phenomenon that occurs to the few,
Yet everything can’t be as is and I destroy.
Losing everything to be constantly reminded,
Too many denominators to discuss one thing.
What I wanted,
What I was happy for,
But this is life.

I just wanted that piece back,
Where we did nothing but everything.
I loved the way you shined,
Everything was against you and I stood by.
Staying in your corner,
Silent cheers amongst the negative backlash.
Until you hurt me again,
This one hurt worse.
Which is strange to think,
Our breakup should’ve hurt,
It wasn’t.
It was knowing I was officially done,
Knowing we’d never get that chance.
All the smiles and laughs echo in my room,
Just thought at the end of the day it’s me and you.

You could’ve kept me in your life,
You could’ve left it all as is.
Greedy and angry,
You run in my life only to destroy it.
Nevertheless you couldn’t be content,
Seeking and searching for something long gone.
I pity you no more,
I’ve seen enough.
So I shall continue to live as you sit in the dark,
I will thrive as you wish for more.
Moving on and wanting friendship is all I asked,
A wish even the Gods can’t grant.

At the end of the day,
You never really get what you want.

We rebuild when defeated,
It is our destiny to never quit.
To thrive on what is done,
And what is not done.
To grow and conquer,
What our forefathers couldn’t.
So we rebuild,
If we didn’t we’d be nothing.

I won’t sugar coat it,
He create a peace,
A Sanity is still made.
We were never meant to be more,
An attraction yes,
But we were meant as friends.
We laugh,
We rage,
And in the end it’s my fault.
I caused it,
Everything.
Now there’s nothing I can do.

Carelessly gaming,
Laughs and jokes.
You were uncomfortable and I knew why,
Yet throughout the three days,
You grew worse.
Rather than continue a fight,
I shall succumb and give what’s needed,
So forgive me.
I cannot have this,
Nor can you,
It was designed as such.

Another game.
Nothing holding anyone back.
All past events forgotten.
Everyone was fine.
Too bad those are just dreams.

Blissful songs,
Sang quietly in my ear as I fall asleep.
Your hand rubbing my arm up and down,
The other rubbing my back.
Truly spoiled in your love,
For your love needs not one comparison.
It’s true,
It’s wild,
And it’s all mine.
No one else to call you theirs,
You are just mine.
All mine my love.

Why do you tell me you love me,
When you didn’t.
Why say you’ll strive with me,
When you didn’t.
How come it’s always me,
When you did it.
I could tell you what is on my mind,
Then it is only your story.
Everything I’ve said is out,
Thrown like a rock on water.
Till I run out of skips,
And then i sink into the depths.
Once more.

I do not look at your art for remembrance,
I look at your art for your sanity.
One I couldn’t return to you,
As you couldn’t do to I.
Hoping you continue to be happy in life,
As I am doing in mine.
With the people who came through so suddenly,
Unexpected coincidences.
Your art tells your thoughts,
The lies you’ve been told,
The love thought shared between,
Lies you’ve made up,
Closure in Ones and Zeros.
I hope you continue on,
Stand the ground you walk on,
Complete the life you were meant to lead.

We were just talking,
I raised my voice slightly.
I heard screams,
I made you quiet out of concern.
We both hear it now,
All hell broke loose.
The fighting, the dogs, the police.
We were never meant to be,
Because all along it was the girl who helped save me too..

If I could turn back the clock,
I would’ve never met you.
If I could’ve opened both of your eyes,
I would’ve let you see only her.
Truth be told,
I had always knew,
It held me back.
I couldn’t love someone who still had there’s,
There soulmate.
Little did you both know,
I wished we ended things sooner.
Way sooner,
I wished she had left her relationship too.
At the end of the day I knew,
Yet we were all scared.

I finally did it,
I found the one who doesn’t see just pain.
One who doesn’t see broken,
To build me up and guide me.
To take me to my love,
Smoking with a gravestone to ease my hurt.
Not once have you broke me,
While I was broken.
Comfort and cuddles,
Your scent to easy my pain.
Waking me from nightmares,
Terrible nightmares that’ll haunt my days.
Yet you my ball of sunshine,
You see it go by like a cloud.
Loving me endlessly,
Countless of times you’ve saved me.
I’m proud to have this ring on my finger,
Saying yes was my greatest moment.
Being your fiancé,
Your wife.
Till the end my husband

Our love isn’t perfect,
But it’s ours.
Our love is perfect,
In our own way.
You give me the world and I in turn,
Give you adventure and wonder.
Knowledge and wisdom is traded,
Laughs and conversation are gifted.
We continue to learn each day,
And yet we still no nothing of each other.
It’s glorious and magical,
I couldn’t think of a better way than this.
To be held by you each night,
To be taken a million to infinity of kisses,
To be loved by you.
Everyday,
Every hour,
It’s always you.

I lay awake next to you,
Watching you inhale and exhale your breath.
A simplistic rhythm one has in sleep,
Your face is so relaxed,
So innocent,
So kind.
And as I lay awake next to you,
I count down the seconds my eyes open up to you.

I am the problem,
It’s unfathomable.
The truth makes it’s way,
Just for it all to go down the drain.
It is for the lack of affection I give,
To mislead through the grief.
For I am the problem,
And you all,
Were perfect.

I’m grateful,
I’m secure,
I’m safe.
I’m finally seen,
I’m finally heard,
I’m finally loved.
Creating this new life with him,
Making myself into what I was wanting,
Becoming MYSELF once more.
I don’t have to hide,
I don’t have to lie,
I can be me.

•
I cannot turn back the clock,
Because I have finally ran out of luck.
Before everything,
Before the relationship,
Before Gabe died,
I should’ve been left as I was.
Nothing.
•