She doesn’t confess her feelings,
Her thoughts,
Or likes to even converse.

It’s not like she doesn’t try,
She can write it, speak it, and some times scream it.
But still she is dismissed.

Never actually heard.
Never truly seen.
Never to speak again.

So she’ll sit there,
Fake a smile and make agreement noise here and there.
But no one will hear her voice, because now she’s silent.

I always imaged what it would be like,
To love someone to such an extent.
Always there when you need them.

Sometimes I used to think it would flow like water,
A constant run through the rocks and moss.
Everything in place.

Being able to speak with ease, not lost in the tremendous amounts of questions.
Words coming out like silk,
Perfection.
No care to what they’d think, only understanding.

Usually though,
I think of how it would feel to wake up next to them.
The feeling of my head on their chest,
Arms wrapped so tightly to keep me safe.

These though are just the hopeless dreams of a small little girl.
Stuck in her world of amazement,
An illusion.
For now she is grown and knows, love doesn’t exist to those who became,
Lost.

You’re seeing red,
Bloodlust for hatred.
Absorbed in your own pain that you don’t see it.

Everyone around you is leaving,
And which they should.
They don’t need someone to be heaving around.

Stuck in your past rather than looking forward.
Yet the past has grown us to this.
Nothing good ever stays.

I’ll let you think what you want.
Instead of asking a question,
You’d rather assume.
That’s the best part

It’s time for joy and harmony.
Singing the classic carols we all know and love.
To be with your family and significant other.

My biggest joke of 2020.
To be alone on Christmas is nothing.
I’ve been through worse,
Not like anyone will ask for me or about me.

I’m suppose to be cheerful and bright,
But yet I’m doubtful and trite.
The loneliness I feel is indescribable,
My anger is consuming me,
Thoughts going about in my mind are toxic.

But you can’t run from yourself.

Tossing and turning in bed.
Stuck in my thoughts,
But when aren’t I.

These thoughts cloud my mind and I can only think of one to bring me peace.
But alas I left and now I lay still alone.
Looking at these blank walls I now call home.

Closing my eyes I hear the silence.
Others screaming down the halls.
A bed to hard for my back,
Waking up is a pain.

I’ve done everything to sleep,
Tried all the tips and tricks.
Still to no avail I continue to toss and turn.

I’m not scared you’ll leave.
I’m not trembling at the thought of you not being around.
I don’t fear the anxiety that comes with you being gone.

You’re quicker now.
Noticing more.
But also noticing less.
I see where I do stand.

I’m understanding now and I realize now,
This isn’t for us.
Love isn’t enough.
That was taken two years ago,
My belief for love.

I’m sorry, but you have to let me go.
Just let me go,
please.

I’ve always hopes to die in my sleep,
Lost in my endless dreams of wonder and loss.
Soundless.
Perfect.

No one would say something otherwise.
Or know for that matter.
Which is fine.
To be alone means less to hurt.

That’s the purpose.
Have less.
Hurt less.
Know no one.
Keep to yourself.
That’s the rule.

Thus dying in ones sleep,
Would be the perfect way to go.
Nothing more after that.  

No pain.
No love.
No happiness.
Nothing is just what I needed.