I wasted your time.
I knew this was a bad idea.
Thinking anything would be different.  

I’m still trash and honestly,
Im so sorry for wasting your efforts.
You shouldn’t have to work this hard.

It’s suppose to be easy if two people love each other.
So why do I make it so hard..

To give in
Or to not.
I’m confused, my heart wants you.
My mind refuses to let myself give in.

So many things happened,
How am I suppose to let it all slide?
Is Love worth it?

I hate this feeling.
I wish I knew what I wanted.
I wish I could want you as badly as you want me.

Every time after we talk I’m stuck in my anxiety.
Lost in my thoughts as they flip through all the good and of course,
All the bad.
Watching everything go by like a movie.

My stomach clenching like I’m doing a plank.
Shaky hands and sweaty palms.  
For what though?
You can’t hurt me and I hurt you.
Going two different directions.

So why are we making these excuses to communicate?
Is it really that hard to let each other go?
Who knows but,
I don’t like it.

It grows.
We pick it.
Breaking it up.
Roll it, or pack it.
Smoke it.

The euphoria of this plant.
Calming the anxiety inside.
Clearing the thoughts to be thought of
Individually.

Light it up.
Inhale.
Exhale.

Everything makes sense again.
If it numbs me then by all means continue,
If not then help me grow like you do.
After all that’s just what plants do

It’s a place.
A whole different dimension to be anyone you want to be.
So many preferences.

Mine happens to be shooting people.
A special Battle Royal game of sorts.
With its unique techniques and weaponry.

A world of broken buildings,
Vast spaces to train stations,
And of course ring to drain your health.

The feeling of the controller vibrating in my hands as I shoot someone down.
Watching the bullets I shoot wiz towards my target.
Blood splatters as my bullet shoots their chest,
Arms,
Legs,
Head.

The true rush is being able to feel the anxiety.
The sweats of knowing someone’s coming after me as well.
Both on the hunt.

By all means I’m not the greatest but,
I have my days were I feel like I am.
I get my championships one way or another

I wished you’d leave me be.
I wished you’d stop trying to message.
Please keep your distance!

It doesn’t make sense to me, you tell me you’ll leave and never try again.
Yet here you are.
Why?

You message late at night before I fall asleep.
Then all I’m left with at the end of the phone call is emptiness.
You take my answers and change it to something different.

You don’t want my answers, you never did and that’s okay..
But why give you that respect of my honor when you lied from the beginning?
Oh because I did worse.

If it was ALL my fault then why can’t you go..
If I am such a horrible person the why can’t you stop messaging.
You said it yourself.
So go.

Re-learning how to live without will bring trials, but she’ll overcome them.
She always did.
She does it all on her own.  

She was broke way before you met her.
Absolutely exhausted.
Then you came along and made it worse.

But that’s okay. She’s anew.
Growing into the person she was becoming before you came around.

Don’t worry she’ll be alright,
And when the day comes and you see her.
You’ll know it was too late.