Black leather
boots; worn through the sole,
my socks are flooded with rain.
The coat
is not mine, hair combed back
and pinned I
may look the business but it's
all a facade.

What if they
hear the buried country accent, see that
I'm an imposter? Realise I'm not even
twenty one? I've got
to push on, keep smiling,
keep climbing, swimming upstream
in my battered black boots.

i never
believed in forever
but you make me
want to
be proven wrong

you make me feel
like a lunar glow
like light
like something to
look at

i don't want it to end.

i want you to
zip up my
backpack
on the way home
and call me cute
and clumsy

and say i sneeze
like a kitten.

and i don't want it to end

i.
haunted houses. we are haunted houses- skyscrapers touching the sky with our fingers, holding dreams in our palms, praying no one looks inside of us, through the windows.

ii.
inside lie broken people, staring out, looking for someone to see them, but still lying by the window.

iii.
when one pane of glass is all that keeps us from falling, it's easy to break the glass and jump. that's how i fell for you. (you know, reality hurts.)

iv.
somewhere along the way those dreams in my palms were used to wash the windows and the lost soul inside of me sees everything in a dream colored tint.

v.
i never wanted to be broken, or haunted, or in love but things happen and here i am, the person inside of me no longer inside of me. no, she fell too hard and broke too easily, for the beauty inside of you couldn't catch.

My mom told me one day that she was surprised I had a personality
I'd always been so serious as a little girl
Head stuck in my books, shy and quiet as a single rain cloud all by itself

But I figured it out
I embraced my silly side
My rolling on the ground, wearing random objects on my head side
It's not really intelligent humor and sometimes it disappoints me
that I'm not funny

But it's me
I figured out another part of me

Now that's an accomplishment

Drink makes you spill your guts
and I shouldn't stand laughing
pretending I don't know it's real.

You say you adore me.
I think I might be using you
for fun and drugs and validation.

I'm so ****** up.
I'm evil as they come, and everyone
seems to think I'm normal now

I hate myself, but I'm better than you at least.
Maybe I'm mad and I just can't see it.
You said you'd buy me things.

You crop up in my dreams so much
that lately
I think I might still be in love with you.

It's been nearly two years
since I've kissed you.
It never worked, it was doomed from the gun.

You drove me *******
crazy. Your hands
were forever blackened with oil.

I'm making things of myself,
discarded home like old receipts.
I haven't been back in a while now.

You must have known that I'd leave.
I love words and you loathe them.
You'll be married soon, I think.

I'm sick for the days in the sun on the beach.
The familiarity of your skin,
your boring bravado, your gentle talk.

I miss kissing you in the dark.
I'm so far removed from the bog—
trekking the streets of Dublin with big dreams.

'Twas far from ambition we were reared.
Big city girl in the smallest pond,
where the fish all slept with eachother.

Slicker. Full of ideas.
All I want is a carvery dinner.
To sit in a souped up car at night

at Ross, off, but the heating on,
old blankets tucked up and
watch the waves lap

over and back
over and back.

I finally decided to talk to someone
a trusted been-here-before adult
he opened the door, I did the asking and now all that's left is for me to open my mouth and speak
But I'm scared I won't know how when I get there
So I'm going to run a little practice conversation here, for myself

I guess you've noticed I've been a little off lately, what with hiding in corners and falling on floors I'll start

I'll be looking anywhere but his eyes
He'll probably nod and let me continue

I wanted to ask how you keep doing this, day after day

To which he'll hopefully give me the secrets to life, but before I can escape
Maybe he'll stop me and say

Have you been thinking about not?

And as I've been raised to tell the truth, I'll swallow my pride and nod

I can't stop thinking about it. It's not that I want to not be here, it's just that my brain says a lot of things I don't want to hear.

He'll be encouraging. It's who he is.

Like what does it say?" he'll ask

I'll bite my lip, and try not to cry

Sometimes it'll tell me that behind the smile, there is nothing left. Sometimes it'll say that we're all going to destroy ourselves. And sometimes

I'll hesitate before continuing

Sometimes it will tell me that I'm failing you as a leader

I may actually cry then.

But he will hug me, and he will tell me that I am strong, that I am enough, that he will not let me slip away

That is what I'm looking for, what I'm living toward
All that's left to do is open my mouth and speak