I wonder if you’d want to know
I named all of my demons after you and
they haunt me in my sleep

when I was 14 I fell asleep in April and dreamed of bones and
I’m not sure I’ve really ever woken up since

when I lost 5 pounds I never saw a difference

when I lost 10 my mother said I was looking good

when I lost 20 she told me to stop and handed me food
and I became anemic

when I lost 25 I stopped drinking anything because
I felt water had calories

when I lost 30 my mother held me on her lap
and held my bones together for me

when I lost 35 I started fainting every morning and
the doctors could no longer easily find my blood pressure

when I lost 40 people started to stare and food made me cry

when I lost 45 it hurt to walk and to lay down
it hurt to eat
it hurt to breathe and
I started throwing up my empty stomach

the mind plays tricks on those that decide
nourishment is not needed

Eat.

i want my fists to turn into my hands again
just so i can feel her for one last time.

i want my tears to stop flooding my eyes
so that i can see her clearly

i want this burn to leave my stomach
so that i can smile when i say good bye

i want to let go of this rage
so that i can hug and tell her i forgive her

"I wish you well."
                                                          ­                    



                                         ­                                     (but not too well without me)

Of all these times of trouble
Of when this world is screaming
Of those moments we face face
Of friends needing our support

Be Safe

Of the healing yet to come
Of the tears now being shed
Of the children all alone
Of those we loved and have lost

Be safe

Of the times you supported me
Of all my words you have read
Of the blessings I send to you
Of this heart that goes out your way

Be safe

I care and you are in my thoughts

tragedy has made me silent.

he crept down my throat
and softly snipped away at my voice;
now there is nothing.

i smile and nod
smile and nod
smile and smile
and nod and nod
falling asleep in plain sight
watching your lips move in speech
wishing mine would follow suit

tragedy has made me silent,

made me timid
made me grow in stature until i am awkward
gangly
always in the way
hiding behind
a shorter sister
but still a sore thumb

a quiet
quaking
obvious protrusion
i invoke conversation
but it dies out
with the smile in my eyes
the bobbing of my head
the silence of my lips

tragedy has made me silent.