I remember first your sentences
I remember next your voice
I remember all the time you took
I remember all your books
what does it mean right now
to remember everything
when I'm breaking you in half
like you don't mean anything
that's not a fact at all
you see
I love you everyday
I miss you every second
there's just something in the way
my brain I feel is killing me
I'll hate myself tomorrow
I ****** up all the things I love
like knives it feels i've swallowed
day by day I take this
and day by day you cry
I need to level out this strife
I hear you begging me to try
I lay down by myself at night
at night is when I die
cause every second that I take
is one i've let go by
I fear my own indignance
and this guilt builds homes inside me
like i'm living for myself
but now this time it feels like dying
I cannot live inside a lie
too hard for me to swallow
I pray everyday
that I can better my tomorrow
I hope that when you read this
it does not make you sad
I hope that all your days are full
of hope for what you have
this life we live is all too short
we're all under it's spell
the moon, she tells me every night
to live a life un-dwelled
I try to remember this when the sun is
blaring light
and she is also telling me
there's no life without a fight

my first love letter
my first gin and tonic
you planted passion in me
you were older
and I was under
& you didn't live in Texas
and I wonder sometimes
about you
and if when I was
16 that any of my
w i s h e s
for you would ever come true
and they didn't
but I always got you
you were always mine
you are my never-ending story
and I will forever
g l o r i f y you in my mind
because everything I know
about anything that I show up with
was influenced by you
you taught me how to write
you are a painting on the walls of
my chest
in lipstick
i always wanted to smear your lipstick
and fall asleep tangled in your legs
and I never knew what any of that meant
and when I did, I associated it with you
I think I still do
I am older now and I can sift through that
quickly and speak to you better
& now this chest is so comfortable where I keep you
even though I never grew out of wanting to
I guess I'll never stop loving you
and I'm grateful for that
because I've loved you for 11 years
and this love has taught me more than
anyone who i've wasted my senses on

I could write entire novels
slowly down your body
my lips pretend to be a pencil
and your spine, my only hobby
gripping tightly to your chest
as if your bones are now my desk space
carving letters of my longing
down your arms
my lungs are desperate
for the right to be your air
while my breath endures this chest ache
forgetting what a life outside
is like
your ribs become my breakfast
your body is a mountain
I continually climb
and your neck becomes a bite of hope
that haunts me all the time
your skin is like an ocean
your salt becomes my wine
you build with your two legs
a space for me to live inside
and I study what you're made of
I compare you to the sky
like the moon you glow on top of me
like the stars you blow my mind

you sought, you pondered through ideas, thoughts
of life and death
you scribbled them out
with harsh lines and heavy ink
you began to see the big picture
and your eyes of realization
should have been of those
in movies
with a loud applause

it is a nice feeling of tragedy
when i let the bathwater
gently slide into place
and underneath the door
through the threshold
blue wisps from the television
keeps your face lit up
throughout the course of the night
i hear birds and those sounds they make
not just in the early morning
but always
leaving spots translucent beside me
every noise is subtle and
sinister
staring at the dark corners
cadaverous
forgetting only means that you’re
making room for something new

August 4th, 1992
That night
My heart began beating
To the rhythm of
Two words
Samantha Shea
My baby girl
She was 9 pound 6 ounces
Of pure love and joy

Her mother’s eyes
My ears
But her smile
Was all her own
She seemed almost wise
Just staring blankly back
At me
Like she knew me
Better than I knew myself
I have never loved anyone
So much

I tried to give her all I could
Make her feel like a real princess
Make her feel safe
And loved
She grew up with things
Her mother and I
Only dreamed of as children
But she was never selfish
Never unkind

I never knew
How much she hated herself
Until I noticed that her arms
Made her look like war veteran
And her eyes
Like those of a ghost
A lost soul wandering around
Lost and Suffering

Could it be that hard
To be a teenage girl
Could it be that hard
To have everything
Handed to you
Everyone love you

That night I saw her as
Nothing but selfish and unkind
I mean how could she do this to us
To herself
I looked her in the eyes and asked
Why
With a single tear running down her face
Resembling a winter’s first snowflake
Or a desert’s first raindrop
She let out the words
“I wasn’t meant for this world”
No you were meant for me
You are my world

I wanted to wipe her tears
And heal her scars
Her years of fear and self-loathing
Was no match for my love
My compassion
My understanding

I spent the next two weeks
Helpless, lost, and confused
By the time we had found her
The bath water was as cold as my heart
The floor stained with drops of
Complete sadness
No note
I cried until I was
Red in my face and
Blue in my heart

A parent should never
Have to bury their child
So we had her cremated
We figured that
She spent 16 years
Stuck in her own box
She shouldn’t have to be
Buried in one

I’ve never loved anyone
So much

i never knew i could feel so sick and so happy.
you tore me apart
in the most beautiful way.
the hole where my heart was still bleeds.
i wish you had taken my stomach
for, without butterflies in it, it is useless.
my brain has no purpose
now that you are not around to occupy it.
and worst of all you left me with lungs that i wish would collapse
because without you oxygen is poison.

i just want you to know,
the first time your hand touched my knee
my entire body came alive.
i saw a million fireflies.
looking at you makes me taste
sweet tea
and summertime.
your laugh is lemonade.
your tan skin makes me want
to die a thousand deaths.
and i would gladly.
to be jump-started by a million fireflies,
it would all be worth it.

I go on my computer, to try and do something new
I try opening up the pictures that I once took of you

A bold message displays across my screen
"Error" it reads, I know exactly what it means

I guess what they say is true, it never processed in my head
Its hard to reach old memories
When someone you love is dead