3 years
Yet
No progress in killing that thing
That thing that is so beautiful
Yet tormenting
All i did, was encourage it
With the hope for mutuality

Don't let go of me or else i'll float
Let me drown in happiness instead of floating to my sadness

Truly what has become of me
Creating an idea that i replicated the luggage that comes along with it
Wondering what could be if we crossed paths and walked together for a season
Thinking of a fantasy so beautiful with only the flaws of our imperfections
The fantasy that has made me afraid of the reality
Afraid of being a disappointment on my first try
Afraid of the reality that could be

Stupidly sad
Fakely smiling
Strongly pretending, that i'm doing fine.

Loathing the past
Excitingly scared of the future
Patient for now, waiting for the happy moments.

During the day i try to stay awake
At night i try to fall asleep
In school i try to stay sane
In public i try to stay out of shame

I told you
You panicked
You rejected me
I was broken
I tried
But it didn't work
I patiently waited for you
You didn't acknowledge
Your presence enlightens me
The distance destroy sme
Your ignorance breaks
Distractions can't help
Cause you invade my thoughts
This mean that
Am addicted to you

If you touch me
I won't feel anything
I am numb
It'd be fascinating to light a fire to my skin and smell the burning flesh as it turns black
It'd be ok because i won't feel anything
I'd stick pins into my skin and see how long it would take to be lightheaded as my blood drips
If you touch me
I won't feel anything
The burning sensation, the sparks, the goosebumps i would get at your touch
Would only be an imagined feeling
A feeling i yearn to feel again

If you look at me
I won't feel anything
Am  emotionally numb
I won't shy off if we are eye to eye
The nervous feeling
The eye diversion
Is only a thing my unnumb self
If you look at me
I won't feel anything
My blank mind
My lack of words
The gibberish talk
My painted smile
And overplayed laugh
All as i stare into your eyes
All this is what you'd wish to see
Rather than the numb stare i give you

If you listen to my words closely
You'll realise , i don't care
My uninformed mind can't take the shock anymore
My euphoric hormones can't be controlled
My hopeful heart is becoming hopeless
My mind is tired of over analyzing
My mind is tired of this romantic B.S that's everywhere
My heart doesn't give a **** about your lies
My euphoric hormones don't need to be fed by your presence
My face is tired of lighting up when you walk into the room
My body is tired of sending signals to please you
I am tired of feeling
So i might as well embrace the numbness

'Emotions filled with passion' is what i felt
I died then resurected
It was a dark, cold and lonely place
No one knew my situation
No one understood my behaviour
Because i was dead
Caged in my own body
Unable to break from the loop of hurt
Unable to smile
Unable to talk
Then i resurrected
Escaped from the cage
Broke from the loop of the tormenting hurt

My thoughts need an intervention
or maybe, termination.
They destroy my innocence
with every fantasy created.
You are my inspiration
when it comes to art.
Every move you make is a moment captured
and treasured like love in the 90s.

Sanity seems to be drifting further and further
I need to be grounded but nothing seems to fit
All this small incidents ,events that is just everyday life seems to be ripping me apart
into pieces
Pieces that need a strong magnet to pull them back together
All into one piece
A sane piece

I dont want to fall
Yet am falling
I can't save myself from being swallowed by that dark hole
Full of passion
Full of desire
It take time to reach the bottom
Where you are blinded and controlled like a puppet
You never realise how ost you are
Until you wake up from the trance
You see how lonely you are
Trapped in a dark hole
With nothing but regret

How sad it is* , that he eyes me while i eye another
The pain from rejection hurts, and that i did to him
Whilst i await mine to finally shut down, this great adoration
The torture it feels,for him to be there so close
While i can't speak a word
Just my heart aching with sadness from the truth that might be

Just an ordinary face like the rest
Grey and blurred out like the mist
Undistinctive from the rest
Majority of the crowd
Common and boring to you
Unique to me
Splendiferous to the eye
Beautiful to the heart

What if, the feelings were *mutual
What if they were whispered in the air,
Revealed to each other and went with the flow of it
Would any action be done or would our doubts hold us back
What if we happened
Would the love be overwhelmingly good with a deep roaring passion
That we would have a piece of each other in our minds
Stuck like a strong magnet to metal
*Just, what if....