I keep you alive
by saying your

name

"Hey man, like your hair."
Hours later I'm bare
and in bed
wine up in my
head
I have so much
love to share
but it's wasted
on birds
sitting alone
atop an electrical wire
my eyes that see
the beauty in everything
slowly expire
till the mirror
tells me
"You're nothing"
naked in my bed
wishing for
something

Fear looms from the ceiling
dangling its wretched mobile
of possible mistakes

Sometimes I wish
for a different place
where my memories
have been drained
you can tell my friends
and family it's better
where I am
wiped clean,
an empty
slate
.

Some of my bloodline
trickled South to my hearth
Saw my spaces, my earth
and judgements held
a first

"Not yours"
Poured out of steely tip
to dip beneath my epidermis,
now it's permanent.
And never been more
true.

I cling
to words
for fear
that my body
could
disappear

Twelve hours
of REM
and the images
in my head
were all my life
from five years ago
Will, Jake, Sondag, Emily,
Andrew, working at the DRG,
but one face was missing still
E-D-D-I-E

If only my conscience
could span the divide
between minds
and envelope yours
in pure
comfort.

I have a lot to say but I don't know
how
I open my mouth but the words just
don't come out
I think I'll go ahead and
run away
I'll come back when I find
the words to say
but don't expect me
to have everything straight
in my life
and don't expect me
to know the word to say
to apologize
don't expect me to
come on home
get used to the idea of
letting go

How did
I get here
full of hesitations
and lacking
sensations
washed out
like this faded
t-shirt

It seems that
my head makes up
these possible signs
to get me to change my mind.

Weary fog
leans on my shoulders
world holders,
bears down
creeping into my
soul
this is it
my wings need to
grow

You yelled at me
for lying, rightfully
but you made it seem
like you'd never done
the same
and the night of my recital
if I hadn't begged you
you wouldn't have come,
we even left halfway through
to see a movie
and I can't remember the title.
Support was what you claimed
but you never dropped everything
to see me
though I did so time after time .
It scared you when I didn't say
"I love you"
back when you said it for the first
but what's worse
is that you clearly didn't mean it.
Your lips spoke of forever,
your kiss didn't agree
I was already ******* myself
for forgetting to bring you tea,
two years I gave my all
but I see now
I was the only half of the whole
that took the fall.

Someone said,
"Maybe you're just an angel
that doesn't know it."
and for all my disbelief
I was still struck
at their accuracy.

Flipping through
the contents of
my old wallets
I found your note
and your name badge
and your ID
and you all ate
me
alive.

Climbing a spiral
stair
inside an ever narrowing
tower
no power
weak knees
trying to reach
the top floor
balcony
but my feet are
disappearing
help me
help
me

you can't know
who you really are
if you've never
been in a fist fight
last night John
let it slip
"I've never fought anyone"
I grinned, hands curled
feet placed
He tossed me about the balcony
my blows weak
I mean
he had 100 pounds on me
hook to the kidney
knee to my ribs
till we called quits
high fived
and
decided to fight
again

If I get no gifts
I'll be fine
because I spent the night
with my brother
having a grand
'ol
time

there are times
I wish phones
never existed
so people that
stepped out of my life
weren't inches
from my
fingertips

I wonder if you
know
how happy I've become
and if you are just
as happy

The comic twists
are too much for this
fleshy vessel
I've punched my ticket
for the last time
don't cry for me
or hold guilt in your heart
because when my last
breath left
I finally felt
fine

They always say
the grass is greener on the
other side
I will tell you
it's the same shade
They always say
their way is better than yours
I will tell you
stay true to your
heart

They will try and take you
they'll tear your morals
apart
hiding behind
their smiles so fake
inside their lonely hearts
waiting to break

It doesn't matter how you begin
it only matters how you
end

They always say
the grass is greener on the
other
side
.

Washed clean
on the
inside
.

I feel like Bobby Fischer
except when I disappear
no one goes searching

Cars cruise by
red, green, white
who knows why,
but their headlights
remind me that
you are dead.

"You're cute!"
jumped off the walls
of the ally
"Except you're smoking
a cigarette so now
you aren't"
unbelievably
my spirits were raised
till she stumbled
into a car
with a drunk
driver

if there is a
crash
I hope she becomes
a
survivor

I woke up one morning
as you left the harbor
without even speaking a word
I'd thought that you'd tell me
if you were leaving,
you have no idea who that hurt

Now you've got a lover
and I've got a chopper
that lets me live like
a bird

It's the closest to heaven
I'll ever get without
prayer or going to church

Sometimes when I'm flying
I don't want to land again
unless I land next to
her...

My life is a fickle thing
I strive to carry on
be the best I can be
but in all honesty
if Death came rapping at my door
scythe poised to strike
I don't think I would beg for more
wouldn't grovel and plea
I'd stand on two feet and greet him
with a devilish grin
slyly say,
"Hello old friend,
let the adventure
begin."

I've been forced
to swallow my pride
so many times
I'm turning to the Darkside,
coming up quick like that Anakin kid,
except I don't have a son so I won't give a ****
and the little light inside
won't have fuel to ignite
in times of dire strife.

I can't tell
if having options
for handwriting styles
is odd or not
but I finally chose one
I dig a whole lot.

But
she
forgot
all
about
me

High eyes don't lie
that's why I look in the mirror
when I smoke
I can see the truth in every
cough and choke
I tell myself all the bad things I've done
in the past week
"Snorted coke, had more spliffs than I can remember
between my teeth,
stole a little bit of food to eat, and started selling."
Then I start trembling
flashes of Eddie in the hospital wing with tubes
to keep him breathing, the service, his grandpa grieving,
mom being pushed, dad leaving,
razor blade in palm, ****** but calm,
powders, pills, plants.

Back in the mirror
the trembles disappear
it became clear I was the only one
who I could trust and spill to.
Thanks self, for being a
real dude.