Couldn't        find
                                       Words
                          Clear concise exact
                                        To say
                                           My
                                          Soul
               ­                     Is weighted
                                     Differently
                            Almost accustomed
                                          Now
        ­                              To        what
                    ­                   Was heavy,
                           Barely                      there
                               ­       To         what
                                     Was feathers,
                               Now              boulders
                                       ­   While
                                    Rivers returned
                                          To flow
                                            over
           ­                            My deserts

Let's not Celebrate
the day we met
or kissed
or walked through stars to see our souls
let's skip the annual celebration
maybe?
Could we
Meet
         again and again and again and again and again and again and again and...
          fresh every day
every moment encapsulated in totality
for
we will never be who we remember
we never were
instead
we will meet
here and now
New me
New you
and
Tomorrow
we'll meet again

I now know
          what it is to have
               your best
                          walk around in
                human form
           I now know
              the held back
                   tears
               to support a tiny soul
I now know
                hunger pain
                      until the last belly
                              is full
           Love so deep
                           only oxygen is more
           So
                I will laugh
                                      with you
                     every moment
                             until
                                     no
                                         more

Hidden Scars
                   and lines
            create
                      immortality
             A mirage of
                      Beauty
                 replacing
             Ethereal Glory
                         Our
                                Children's homes
                                         lost
                  their souls'
                                    birthplace
                 ­            gone

Your Heart Beats
The rhythm of my
                     first music
      Your touch
the first sense
                   of this world
       Your eyes
                   my
                        first
                               view
                    of love
the home I once knew

I can feel the thousands
        Of
Sharp
      Dull
Sharp
                Constant needles
Pushing through
And everything is fine
Everything is good
I'll be okay
Life is just shadow
Reality

..,...........................I
               Will                 Love
                             You
         Softly.       Gently.        Kindly

                            When
               You                     Can
                             Feel
                 Only                Bruises

                              Still

                       I                  Will
                              Love
                             ­  You
           Softly.        Gently.      Kindly

                                 As
                                 You
                      Love                  Me

I've been mending my soul
Loving you
And you
Loving him
And her
Sewing the tear in mine
Loving
And
More

Loving
Yet
The hole in my fabric stays

Tumbling In
Now it is more Real
and I know you are Here

But I can't breathe yet

I'm still cleaning the grey dust off my skin
I'm still clearing the black smoke from my lungs

I can still see feel the distant flames licking against my skin
and
I'm not ready

I wonder how
You leave and move on
Like our worlds didn't just collide
Like your body didn't melt into my arms
You go back into your world
And I into mine
But I still feel drips of you on me
And you
You
You just move on
Back into your world

I'll always miss you in the calm
mornings
holding me in a way that said I held your life
and that morning you were clear and free
laying in a way unique to those who had grown up with eachother
only the father of my children could touch me that way
forgetting everything....every thing
because this morning
we were 22 and 37 at once...
we were new and engaged and married and parents and alone at once
I'd laugh like only a women who had bore your scars could
that love
comes once

I like when I am on the way to you
thoughts stumble upon thoughts
fast
butterflies flying
my heart skips beats
Time races

I like when I am alone with you
words fit into words
with ease
my heart beats slower
my mind races less
Time slows

I like when I am leaving you
thoughts are clearer
with love
my soul feels calm
time is just time

Longing in the light
Your touch in
The dark
The space aches
And
My
Heart is lost

Loud almost deafening noise
Constant
Barely hearing my own thoughts

Quiet almost deafening silence
Blank
Hearing too many of my thoughts

And my heart yearns
And misses

I love you
What is love

Fish breathe the same thing we do just underwater

3 days

You and me are home
Freedom allows love to live
Because we çan breathe

Heart                  and                      Homes
           Wanting         Someone
                         There

untilitbecomejusttoocrowdedandloud


                     ­Then       Space


             sweet calm open space

            Missing   little   Feet
                 warm         hugs
                        laughter
                  arms     ­      and
                            kisses

Love,
I can't bring myself to say the three words
At least, not directly
...'This is why I love you"
............"Because I love you"
To  just plainly state:
I love you
I can not
Because
I would rather spend every day with you near and this ache in my soul

Than

Without you at all,
Fear

Look back
See we tried
Our best
What you'll hear
Half truths
The glass is cracked
looking back
Time has a way
Of washing away truth
And
Leaving story
I hope you
See more

I don't want to love you
But I do
I want to dream
Without
You
I want to be at lead and not care
And think never
About you
And yet
I sit and dream
Of only you

Feeling sadness
Pain
Emptiness
Reassigning it to to you and us
It makes it easier to deal with
Cleaner
Nothing to lose
Everything is already gone
With him

I think you live there
          Where I travel
   Deep in a place and time
         That floats inside
                           Ourselves
   It's the space between the distance
           It's the time away from time
The reality is strongly understood
           And the
                          Objects often
         Seen as real are no longer
                          Relevant

Staying very very still
              quiet
don't speak don't write
             silence
this will make all of it go
              learned
       get through it
               past
   nothing is happening
               calm
   no sickness no fear
               time
      standing still in
               despair

How did these words in
           Colour     bring
                     the
           clear   drops of
              Silence out?
          I feel a loss
                            I feel lost
         my soul is fine
                      but my heart
                    is   trapped leaving
                       and     entering
                             like
                   a spinning door
      and tonight
                       I miss
           You
                   or
                        me

I have no new insight to our plight in this world
Everyone has loved and lost
everyone has been scared to move closer
what is new? nothing
nothing I have to say is unique
or will bring you more clarity to your life
or mine
it's all been said
all been felt
all been done
over
and over
...but
to me
                to me
it's a dark, intense woods
it's the endless sea
the unexplored
the newly found
                to me
it's the depth and space between us
that i am not sure i can cross without losing my self
it's the lure of closeness
the calling of
                what could be

it appeared to be a place of hope
a place where I can safely spill my soul
into the river
the river where you swim
drip drip
slowly formed into a stream
rapidly becoming a river
and the water joined and danced
the river flowed and flowed
and in I slowly spilled my soul
knowing it was safe and whole
woke up
an open empty cup

I love calendars
and anniversaries
and milestones
and remembering what happened from year to year
day today
but now that little habit
that fun scrapbook in my mind
it's too much
I don't particularly
care to remember how everything changed quickly in a long long 3 minutes
anyway...I do
and
it lives so deep in my soul
in my heart.
365 days of new memories...the one doesn't leave.

In your dreams, you see the future
our realities are stored there
inside yours
or my
thoughts
and dreams
so close, too far to touch

memories and  feelings
                                                coming
                                                                    at me
today
                   your things to
                                              close this chapter
         of course
                                        that picture
                                                             YOU
                                              ME
                                                  my dorm bed
your jeans on me
                   I feel the empty tear almost down my face
             Deep Breath
                                      move furniture
                                                                move trash
                                                           YOU
                                                            left here
clearing  YOUR mess
                              the children will be home soon
always clearing the way

simple picture
                                                        two                 trees
                                    Stark
                 ­                                        againstdarknight
moon bright
                                    Shining
                    ­                                    slightly touching
                                                        ­             one reaches closer
or so it seems
                              just chance
they are near one another
                              close enough          
                                                ­         to touch            branches
                                     Re­aching
                                                          ­             high
                                                           two                 trees
                                                         growing and breathing
ALONE
                                      Still
                                                           next to each other

this is possible
you
       find
              me

interesting
                                  and
             I keep discovering
                                   and
                                                        finding ­               you
                                 we swim the same way
this is simple
                      to you
to me
                                                     we can choose to
                                                                ­  BE
we can choose to
                                         allow for
                                             space
                                                                ­ and
                                                                ­               love

Happiness   and   TIME

Your body brushing against mine
created
bruises
deeper than my skin
your warnings
left me
with too much
to
understand

Maybe
            the

                                                    space
     ­       has allowed REALITY in

MAYBE
           my heart
                            will not    
                      
                      dance at the
                              
                              sound of
          your heart


MAYBE
            my heart
                            will not
                      
                          break at the
                            
                                thought of
           your touch


maybe
            the

                                                    space
     ­                 changed us.

sand still- water
far from home
just you
        and me
and all was right and good
         just you and me
mushrooms and bears and love
           that's what I
kept holding on to
more than
          reality
somehow you always brought me back there for so long
when it was dark and scary
         we'd go back to .....
flat-water mountains sunrises
a mushroom and a bear
          and love
until the space between became the regular

you led me back to our family
and there I found you
      ...your heart.
..your kindness
                 ... and some darkness.
Fed on you and your understanding
Hearing your words
                     ignoring your heart
forgetting that everyone is fragile and I'm not that good with glue
closing my ears to the sound of the wind
....
              and
you didn't read my warning label
                   maybe I tore it off...
it reads: one is  just enough...after that it gets a little blurry.  

Use caution when driving

I drift slowly
     swiftly
          quickly
back back back
dancing and laughing and a cone on my head
        I remember those beginning days
   I see your round face, glowing eyes
and feel the pedestal lifting higher and higher, too high for a human girl
Love literally embraced every single person near
     A love so strong it seemed impossible
*"MOMMY" ....."MOMMY"
Oh yea, reality...reality...
            it's so many years later
pour the milk, run a bath,
                 look around...you aren't here...
       miss you....miss your hands...
       miss your eyes looking at me like there is nothing i can do wrong...
But I missed you and your eyes and your hands for so long
while you were still standing right here
... and now
it's the blue eyes and brown eyes that i look at, no more dark green eyes
and there's a different kind of love ...
have to let that fantasy life go...it hasn't been here for years

When presented with the choice
               she continued through the dark path
The lighted path makes sense....of course...

There's a
           little light getting through ... right     there        through the trees

don't all the interesting things happen
                                in the dark
          the moon is up...isn't that when life begins...

she stumbled upon the lightened path
                          and quickly ran back to the safety of the night...

where at least she was familiar

Miracles Happen
Even though you stopped thinking
Love is always there

I have always liked to play in the rain and the dirt
              of life
       of time
    but
often,   when the     end comes slowly in a quick second
     the shouting starts...
"come in" "come in    don't you see it's raining"  "we've got places to go"
     I don't know which soap to use to clean off the mud

During the journey

I kept walking and walking

So happy to have you by me so warmed by your nearness

Forgetting that you may be cold


as well...

the most innocent of souls joined

grew

twisted

became cooperative enemies on the same team

they'll never be back to innocence...no one else will ever see them that way

Again

I left my word There
It's just twenty six letters
But, that's all I Have.

Last Night
             The SKY was Perfect
somehowperfectBLue
       and dark grey/indigo
with white
                 cloud rings
           around the moon...a halo effect
       so beautiful
And....
             I Gazed
And...
           My HEART was full

I longed to tell you
      to say "by chance , did you?"

"look at the moon?"
   ----Tonight---

I keep running keep swimming
   Iknowit'syoubutfearstopsme
Then I look to another and it seems
   waitandstopandheartache
too much

It is funny how
             We create these worlds apart
In our minds in our souls in our being
               The worlds that no one sees
                            Outside or inside together
              We create these safe universes
Alone but together

Lately
          Distracted
Forgotten thin line
       between
                 life
       between
                Death
The Doctor gently pulls
      a small ball of
        wax and skin and scar
      and says
        you are the
             toughest kid
Does he know?
          You are
     And now this
          2 year
     journey is
      over
     Do you know
          Do you remember
               as I'm
                   pulled back
                to Reality