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Chaos Dec 2014
The tears are there
Threatening to fall
I’m choking back sobs
And reinforcing my walls

These late nights
Won’t stop bringing me down
The darkness and quiet
Seep into my mind

I can’t control my thoughts
Most of you
Others of what has been
Things we've gone through

I can’t fight the monsters
Stuck inside my soul
They slowly break me down
And turn me cold

These late nights
Will carry on happening
Because I can't find the words
To express the things I think

*these late nights are slowly killing me...
Chaos Jul 2015
Yesterday was tough
Tougher than before
It broke me down inside
Left me crumbled on the floor
But then I remembered
the semicolon

Today was hard
Harder than before
It killed my soul a little
Left me bleeding on the floor
But then I remembered
the semicolon

A small mark
Seems insignificant
But when examined further
Becomes magnificent
An authors way
Of saying hold on
don't give up just yet
there is plenty more to come


Tomorrow will be painful
More painful than before
It will break me down
Leave me broken on the floor
But I will remember
Forever more
That small, simple mark
Giving out hope for all

*the semicolon
Inspired by Project Semicolon
Chaos Sep 2015
It's been a long day
And I'm so tired
Yet all I can do
Is lay here and cry
Not the loud kind
But the quiet tears
That hurt your throat
And fall so fast
It seems that is all
My nights are for now
Trying to make no noise
As I let it all out
I will never show
These tears to anyone
I will continue on
Pretending to be strong
During the daytime
But at night
When I'm all alone
I let them fall
In quiet waves
Until I can fall asleep
It's getting harder and harder
Chaos Oct 2015
The silence is so deafening
I can hardly hear the demons
Screaming my name
The void is so black
I can almost run my fingers
Through its darkness
And I am so I alone
I could scream forever
And still no one would hear me
Chaos May 2015
I've begun to hate
The sound of happiness
It breaks my heart
Cuts my skin
When I hear a laugh
Or see love
So I drown the noise
To avoid the pain
Of seeing and hearing
Everyone else's happiness
When I clearly
Have none
Chaos Aug 2015
You told me to talk
About the things in my head
Or else I might explode
Into millions of pieces
But there's just one problem
When I try to talk
About the things in my head
No one is there to listen
Chaos Jul 2015
I think I like the way
Your hands engulf and warm mine
I think I like the way
Your eyes seem to sparkle and shine
I think I like the way
Your smile can light up a room
I think I like the way
For me you'd go to the moon
Chaos May 2015
Run* your fingers through my soul
Take a chance to see and feel
Exactly what I'm going through
Taste the
darkness, feel the *pain
Grasp my cold, cold, empty heart
Fight the monsters deep inside
Take a moment to breathe in
The miseries of my past
The sorrows of my present
And the death of my future
Take some time to stand under
The rain cloud that follows me
Feel the chill soak into your skin
And rattle amongst your bones
Take a while to really understand
Why I am *the way I am
Chaos Sep 2014
Why do I always put myself through the pain of falling for the wrong guy over and over? The one I know I can never have. I'll never be good enough, or pretty enough for them, and yet I fall anyway, and each time hurts more than the last. I cry myself to sleep wondering where I go wrong. Why do they always go for the girls who are so perfect? they never spare me a glance. I think I'll always live in a cycle of falling for the wrong guy and always be alone...
Chaos Mar 2015
They are just two people
Pretending to be okay
Even when they both know
The other is falling away
They talk through the tears
Try to leak the happiness in
Pretend not to notice
When the other loses their grin
They both seem to know
The problems they both face
But still wear their masks
And keep their souls locked in a case
They both know the other is falling
And still they both keep pretending

*they both know
Chaos Apr 2015
Words on the sand
Washed away by the tide
The things I never say
And all I try to hide
Secrets whispered quietly
To the swirling wind
Maybe for ears to hear
Or fall short, abandoned
Chaos Nov 2017
silent tears at midnight
a heart that doesn't feel
eyes that see too much
a mind that doesn't stop

masks to hide the pain
a fantasy to hide in
legs that always ache
and a dark, broken soul
Chaos Mar 2015
No one can hear me scream
Over the sound of this silence
It is deafening and thick
Filled with ghosts and demons
The words nobody says
This silence is cracking
Straight to the core
Under the strain of unsaid horrors
Which people refuse to see
No one can hear the voices
That wind their way
Through the exposed crevices
Of the crumbling wall of silence
Soon this sturdy wall
Will collapse and tumble down
But still even then
No one can hear me scream
Chaos Dec 2014
The sky is making me sad
The way it’s crying
All grey and bleak
And I’m listening to the same song
Over and over
It’s stuck on repeat
They seem to be reflecting
The state of my soul
Tired and gaunt
Chaos Jun 2015
Tonight
I can't seem to stop the tears
From slicing down my skin
And the pain wont leave me
Tonight
I don't have to pretend
That everything is a-okay
And happy sunshiny days
Tonight
I am allowing myself to break
Into a million different pieces
Scattered across my floor
Tonight
I will let my raw soul loose
With all it's demons and ghosts
To wreck havoc upon the walls
But only for tonight
*just for tonight
Chaos Jul 2015
I can tell you don't really know what it's like to be all alone. You think you do, but you really don't. You've never experienced that hollowness inside, that inability to have someone there to just talk to. You've never experienced the gut wrenching ache when you see people laughing, kissing or even just walking together. You've never awake lain in bed at night wondering what's so wrong with you that nobody even pretends to like you. You've never fallen asleep with tears staining your cheeks as once again you cried and cried until you couldn't breathe all because you know tomorrow won't be any better than today. You've never had to sit at a table for one with everyone else at tables for at least two. You've never felt that loneliness that rides around on your shoulders and in your heart, plaguing you, haunting you, breaking you down until you are nothing but a shell of what you once were. Trust me when I say you don't really know what it's like to be alone, because if you did, then you wouldn't be trying to sympathise with me or pretending you know how I feel. You would do what all lonely people do when they meet another lonely person, you would just sit and listen to the unspoken words and try to fill just a little bit of that emptiness that resides inside.
Chaos Oct 2015
There is so much
I want to say
But the words
They get stuck
None seem to leave
Instead they swirl
Around in my head
I'm sorry
I try so hard
To let you know
All the things
I want to say
But I always seem
To fail you again and again
And all the words
I want to say
Are left unsaid
Chaos Mar 2015
Sometimes it's easier
To not breathe at all
To stay completely still
And I don't notice I'm doing this
Until suddenly I am gasping for air

Sometimes it's easier
To never wake up
To live in my dream world
And leave reality behind
Until I don't know where I am

Sometimes it's easier
To not eat at all
To starve myself
And forget how much I need it
Until I collapse with weakness

Sometimes it's easier
To block the pain
To store it up
And never let it surface
Until one day I explode

Sometimes it's easier
To pretend I'm not alive
To believe I don't exist
And hide away from the world
Until I can't feel anything at all
Chaos Feb 2015
I wish you were my valentine
Or knew that I wanted you to be
I wish I wasn't so alone
Or that you would finally see me
I wish I could hold you close
Or whisper in your ear
I wish that I could tell you
How much I really care
I wish you were my valentine
Or even just my friend
I wish you knew who I was
Or loved me until the end
Chaos Jul 2015
All I can hear
Are these voices in my head
Telling me the things
Every person dreads
The horrible words
Are screamed at me
They poke around
In each nook and cranny
These voices they whisper
The most terrible things
They are masked and disguised
As beautiful songs to sing
It's not until the night comes
That I begin to realise
These voices in my head
Are full of dark lies

*but still
all I can hear
are these voices
in my head
Chaos Mar 2014
I feel like I'm always waiting
waiting for a reply
Why don't you answer me
why won't you comply

I'm not going to be around much longer
I'm getting sick of this affair
The longer I wait, the further I'll drift
the sooner I'll shed a tear

Don't keep me longing
Don't keep me dreaming
Don't keep sighing
Dont' keep me *waiting
Waiting is so very hard.......
Chaos Mar 2015
I've been waiting
for you
longer than I've
been alive
Chaos May 2015
what . the . hell
I cannot believe
I let myself
Fall back into this trap
You got me
Crazy excited
And now
You've duped me again
I honestly thought
You wanted to talk
But no
You seem to think
That you can
Just ******* off
Over and over
Well
I've got news for you
We are done
We are so done
Chaos Jul 2015
what have i done?

All I can see
Each time I close my eyes
Is your face streaked with tears
All I can hear
Are the heartbreaking words
You let slip before you walked away

what have i done?

All that's left
Is the heartache and the pain
And the guilt of what I did to you
All I know
Is that I hurt you, I broke you
And I don't think I can forgive myself

**what have i done?
Chaos Jun 2015
follow your heart
follow your dreams*
That's what they tell us
We are told to search
For the thing we love
The thing we live
The thing we breathe
And once we find it
We will work hard
We will do anything
Just to get it...
Everyone has a dream
At least that's what they say
Right?
We all have something
One little wish
That turns into one big dream
But what if we don't?
What if we don't have a dream?
What if there is nothing?
What if we don't know?
I don't know what I want
I don't even know who I am
So how can I follow my dreams
And my heart
If there is nothing there?
What am I supposed to do...
Chaos Dec 2014
I want my words to matter
For people to hear and be moved
I want my actions to inspire
For people to see and approve
I want my thoughts to have meaning
For hardships and sorrows to soothe
But what I want doesn't matter
And most certainly never comes true
Chaos Mar 2014
I don't understand why
You all look up to me
You say I'm all these things
That I'm so obviously not

Your saying that I'm perfect
I'm flawless, without fault
But have you looked at me
Underneath my surface

You see beauty, perfection
I see scars and mistakes
You see happiness, light
I see anger and hate

I don't think you realize
I'm not the angel you see
I'm not a role model
I shouldn't be put on a throne

I'll never be perfect
I'll never be free
I'm locked inside self hate
I've thrown away the key

So I still don't understand
What you see in me
Why do you look up to
A person I'm obviously not

I really don't get what you see
Chaos Feb 2015
When did I get so good at hiding the truth?
Has my mask finally done all that it should?
How did I get so good at lying?
And why does it hurt so much more than I thought it would?
Chaos Nov 2014
When I feel like this
I can't help but sigh
And sit by myself
Wishing one day I could fly

When I feel like this
I eat until I'm round
Mainly chocolate and sweets
And never make a sound

When I feel like this
I just want to sleep
Curl up under my blankets
And let the tears seep

When I feel like this
I can't help but sigh
And sit by myself
Wishing one day I could fly....
Chaos Jul 2015
I called for your help
Screamed out your name
But there was no reply
I lay on the ground
Choking on blood
Waiting, waiting to die
I cried for your hands
To curl around mine
Still you didn't arrive
So silently my soul
Fled the grim scene
And returned to the sky
You once promised
You would always be there
But oh how you lied
Where were you the day
I needed you most
The day I finally died
Chaos May 2015
I don't think you realise
That your words actually hurt
Like blades in my skin
Shrapnel in my heart
But I pretend like I don't care
I joke, I smile
To hide the pain
Because who cares right?
why
Chaos Mar 2015
why
why am i doing this to myself?
Why
Chaos Jan 2015
Why
Why can't you see
Just how much you mean
Not just to friends and family
But also to me
Chaos Jan 2015
You are slowly pulling me apart
There's no way to mend my broken heart
You are slowly drowning me
I think it's time for me
To fly away and be **free
Chaos Nov 2014
Why is it that you always come to me
When your issues are strong
And your needs are pressing
But when I need someone and go to you
You ******* off for something else
And don't try to help at all
I'm always the one people come to, but no one is ever there for me..
Chaos Feb 2014
summer days
                                       wishes floating away
                                                                              on the breezes that tug my hair
Chaos Aug 2021
it is interesting
the way worry can develop

it can start small
a tiny tingle
in the dip of your throat
branching out into lungs
restricting breath
deepening into something more

or tap you on the shoulder
gently
so you almost miss it
before enveloping you in a fog
the kind you can get lost in
all consuming
overwhelming

it can be there
suddenly
dramatically
taking over all aspects of life

or it can exist subtly
underneath
almost impossible to decipher
but still recognisable
as what it is
Chaos Apr 2019
i was naive
i was foolish
i was stupid enough to believe you

'maybe i'm worth something after all'

i was wrong
i was wrong
i was wrong
You
Chaos Mar 2014
You
I just can't get you out of my head
You're all I can think about
And it's driving me insane

My thoughts circle around you
In a wild, savage dance
The butterflies in my stomach won't calm down
No matter how much I beg them to

It's worse at night when I'm all alone
In the dark I toss and turn
Memories of you closing in on me
Filling every space they can find

I'm losing sleep over this
and it's all because of

YOU
**** it, get out of my head!!
Chaos Jun 2015
You do not know
How my heart aches
For all the grievances
I have caused you
You do not know
How my soul breaks
For all the sorrows
I have given you
You do not know
How my mind throbs
For all of the pain
I have bestowed on you
Chaos Dec 2014
When he kisses you in the rain
Or slow dances with you in the kitchen
When he holds your hand any chance he can get
And takes the time to listen
When he gives you all his time
No matter what he has on
When he leaves you flowers on every counter
And plays all your favourite songs
When he dedicates his writings to you
Or stays home when you are sick
When he makes you a picnic
And lets you watch the movies you pick
When he can't sleep without seeing your eyes
Or hearing the way you laugh
When he calls you after he says goodbye
And waves at the end of the path
When he whispers 'I love you' before he leaves
And once more when he sees you again
You'll know he's the one you will love forever
And never leave his side for the rest of your days
Chaos Mar 2015
Stuck in your eyes
Trapped in the sea
Of passion, of blue
The swirling emotion
Paralyzed to the core
Unable to move
Caught in your gaze
Lit brightly with love
Twinkling in the night
As you move closer
Breathing changes
Heartbeat races
The room fades away
All that's left is you
Chaos Feb 2015
I heard your words
And I tried to pretend
That they weren't about me
But for another girl
I attempted to ignore
The butterflies
That fluttered in my chest
The racing of my heart
And the quickening
Of my breath
I saw those words
Written so boldly
And flushed chartreuse
I was momentarily
Beyond ecstatic
But then was slowly
Brought back to earth
When I realised
There was no way
It could be me
Your words are about

— The End —