forgive because I must...because now I can
the last obstacle to my recovery
saying the words in prayer and speaking them from my heart

you no longer owe me a debt
He has taken that away
your restoration lies with Him now...no longer with me

forgive.. because it frees me from the bond of this sin
no longer do I seek your downfall...I have no heart for revenge

you are no longer accountable to me

He has that ledger now
make an appointment with Him

#thisjourneyodays

where have I been?
an alternate world
there but not here
here but not here

trying to make order of the chaos in my head...to control my heart’s erratic beat
sweating through replays
struggling with what if
seeking the reason why...but coming up empty ..except for self loathing for the lack of clarity

whirling around in a life ******* spiral of confusion and pain
emotionally and spiritually wrecked

I have nothing left to fight with
I am done being sick

#thisjourneyofdays

watch each thread of my life, work, reputation, identity
being severed  by hate and power
...some snapping back to strike my face and lash at my ribs
gashes across my heart and side
...others withering, fraying, disintegrating as if they never were

destroying meaning
destroying me
untethered ..unhinged...flung..hurtling...crashing into despair

into humiliation

#thisjourneyofdays

did I need to know why?

would knowing have helped me make sense of the trauma, the chaos?

deceived by those dressed in light pretending to be…

videri quam esse

the falsehood of your being…

my lesson humility

crushed and battered

shredded life and spirit

I am nothing

now I know why…

#thisjourneyofdays

light now in the places that were hidden
...hidden from yourself but not Me. I still saw you in the dark places...tossed up on rocks and sinking into places you did not want to go
I still saw you.
I kept watch.

agony of the soul
agony of night
this painful transition... spiritual reset

casting out the darkness
clearing away the grave around my heart

waiting for the rains of reparation to be begin

#thisjourneyofday


throbbing cancer of darkness
shaken from its seat in my heart and head

hate ends now
there is no place for you here
you deceived me with your promise of justice
your form made me sick

go
leave this place
you no longer have harbour here

#thisjourneyofdays

deep pain in my head and body
this throbbing cancer that wants to take me with it into oblivion

scratching my eyes
shredding my brain
stealing my mind
….not wanting to let me go

the roots poisoned by light are shaken loose and tearing away from my body…

excruciating pain ... penance this salve for the spiritual pain with a physical form

#thisjourneyofdays

I forgive you

saying the words

feeling them in my heart

letting go of anger... pain...injury

still I cannot see you..face you...your person is too vile

you may never hear ...I forgive you... from my lips ...the intent is true nonetheless

my soul is freed now from the shackles of your torment

I wish you peace and strength to face your sin and the demons you unleashed on my life and make your account.

darkness is making me sick
keeping me ill

keeping me tied to ..
shackled to shadow...to anger and injury

smoky tendrils keep me in a half life of tears, regrets, pain

trapping me in memories I cannot flee

darkness is keeping me sick

#thisjourneyofdays


I can see the path
the one that takes me...leads me
not back

time and events have changed me
there is no going back
but it does lead me to something, familiar
to where I am meant to be
I have felt the path ...not visible...near to where I am stumbling in circles
cruel  - hey?
right alongside me
just unseen
perhaps I was not ready to see
with lessons to be learned
the pain and suffering i need to endure ...in order to take the path
that leads me
not back

@journeyofdays