"I have a hole in my heart."
Those were the first words he ever said to me,
As he tried expressing his feelings towards me.

"I have a hole in my heart."
Of course these words had meaning
Such feelings.
I could not say how I felt after that,
But my emotions cried a river.

"I have a hole in my heart."
I watched him clutch his heart,
Saw him moan in pain,
As his heart's depression finally gave in.

"He has a hole in his heart. "
When he told me this I never thought he meant literally,
Only emotionally,
A soft spot for me.

What am I supposed to do to help this boy
Who has a hole in his heart.


                                       Jonesy 2018 ©

I became a girl he didn't recognize
With a voice he had never heard
And I stopped walking on water

I outgrew being his easy girl
His ever understanding wife
And suddenly,  I could do plenty wrong

I learned things
A whole new vocabulary
Ethical non monogamy
Agency
Autonomy
Egalitarian

Words and definitions that felt like home to me
But perhaps they felt like rough, rocky terrain to him

I discovered a love of things long lain dormant in my soul
Poetry
Words
Art
Music
Culture

I filled my life with people who loved the same

I became inspired

Fell in love with the life I thought we might create

And my life became more my own and less a support of his

I started becoming more of all of me
Less just his wife
Less just the kids' mother

I found a girl I didn't know I had lost
Who I think, maybe, he doesn't like too much
Or
Maybe
He just doesn't know what to do with that girl or how the hell to love her.

{2018.02.19}

I'm scared
There is no exact map,
It's just faith in us

I contemplate what I'd be
You seem to see me,
My flaws and all

Do I regret,
Not at all
We hold eachother as we fall

We fight, sometimes there is a broken light
You never gave up on me

I still feel your heart beating
We restored eachothers beaten
I am your heathen

We never asked for love in the end
I say there is no end,
just our beginning

I will hold your hand,
long as you smile while we die

An old photograph
dad and mum were so young then
I held back my tears

This book is full
of my father's eye lashes
He treated the pages
rough like his sons
pinching the daylights
out of them, I remember
mud and grease
on calloused thumbs
and you can still smell
Four Roses bourbon
in the morning
through the onionskin
He would not weep
he knew most folks
never kept their word
Anyway, his death
came through
like a hitchhiker
You could see it coming
like the slow light
of a faraway dead star.

I lost myself in you.

I tried my best to be the best, for you.

I felt a loneliness each day as I'd wait for you to say hi, until I met the ones that helped my eyes to not cry.

I slowly overcame that rope that so tightly kept me attached to my bed, to dwell in the sadness I felt. The sadness you helped to grow.

I realized that I didn't have to be the version of me that worked with you the most. I could be the best version of me for myself, and not anyone else.

That was the moment I knew we didn't fit. It was all an illusion I had created in my head. So I wished you the best, and we said goodbye, and now to you I'll be remembered as "girl number five."

If girl number five could give you any kind of advice, she would tell you to get over all five of the girls you've had in your life before looking for number six. Maybe if you do that, six will be the one that fits with you.

You caress my limbs
Sweeping by
You can never say hi
I know you are mine
The warmth of your hospitality sets me at ease
We seem to understand the unseen
There is more to the push in the trees
You are a destroyer, devastating
You still have beauty as I watch your beat
My soul hears your control
Yet, you are nothing more than the breeze