never has my heart ached
so much
as to see the nightmare unfold
i have shed the tears
only fit for a funeral
and when you are done
i will be here
i will paint colours today
as bright as the sky
more than rainbows
as big as the ******* moon
and dip my brush in my tears to clean
to rid my deep
of you
glitter will fill my room
and flowers bloom
i will play music
and shake the earth today
i will tear down every wall
to wipe you out
break every glass
and eat the shards
so i don't have the ******* taste of you
in my mouth
rip out my ******* veins
to purge your ******* venom
i don't know how to unfeel this hate
hate hurts
and bleeds on my hands
and everything i touch
will be tainted
but i won't have that
no ******* way
you've danced me in my life
long enough
*******
my meat suit never looked good on you anyway
you didn't even have the opposable thumbs
to do the buttons up
how do you process hate?
it ******* hurts
like a foreign body
wearing mine
again
an outpouring of grief
upon the ground
my heart aches
aches
i want to take it out

I feel beautiful
but only when I'm hungry
Only when I can hear my stomach begging me to eat something
Only when I can feel myself losing weight
Only when they say, "you're getting to thin, you're doing great!"
Only when I'm drinking a bottle of water in the span of a minute so that I can be full
Only when I'm starving but I push the plate away.

I feel beautiful
But only when I'm counting calories
Only when I'm running that extra mile to stay slim

I feel beautiful
Until I'm looking down at my thighs and I see that they touch
Until a girl says how curvy I am when I'd just like to be flat and slim
Until I step on the scale and it laughs and says I've gains a few pounds

I feel beautiful
until I look at myself in a fullbody mirror and think, "GROSS"

I feel beautiful
when I haven't eaten for 3 days and no one notices
When I'm popping a rubber band to my wrist saying, "you're not hungry your just bored" over and over again
And my stomach replys, "I'm dying, why are you doing this, feed me"

I feel beautiful
Until the girl next to me is thinner than I am
Until daddy tells me I'm getting fat
Until I hear the boys in the distance say that they'd never, ever, ever date big girl

I feel beautiful
But only when I'm dying of starvation
Only when I'm literally empty on the inside

I felt beautiful
Until I realized that fat is an insult
And i wondered why
Do we not glide the same why?
Do our stretch marks make us inelegant?
Are we unladylike because we eat?

I feel beautiful until I don't anymore
Until beauty is too much in the eye of the beholder
Until I am not allowed to be the beholder
Until beauty is a category of waist size double zero

I feel beautiful
Because I'm allowed to
Because the number on the scale does not define Me
Because I Define me

I only beat you
Because I love you
Mother said.  After I died.
  
She wanted me to be good
So she beat me 'til I bled
Now I'm dead

From the rooftop
I see the houses sleeping in moonlight

(My chance ascent to the roof
for a space to be aloof
begets this poem)

I know this stillness is deceptive

behind the half glow neon panes
or the wooden ones shut tight from light
beyond the dumb walls of white
tears and smiles are flowing
also grunts of despair
moans of flesh upon flesh
stopping at the skin
or going far down to that misty spot
and even far past all them
two hearts holding the flame
of years buried on the bed
a child still in their head
or there but really not there
somewhere too wide to build a bridge

(Thirty minutes past nine
the toy houses in the moonlight shine
in their chambers holding life not seen)

And I atop one such house know
it's time to go down the stairs
to take up the script again
and write and act and write
for the length of night.

i.

Behold mine Jane
Behold;

ii.

The star's and the rain
As us doth come
And go.

iii.

Though in the amount
Of hour's left; I shalt blow
Mine breath, into thy
Soul.

iv.

Home sweet home,
I am with thee; verily
Mine queen, I've been
Sickly.

v.

Trapped in this bed-
Spirit burdened, many
Demon's hate this light
That God hath started.

vi.

They do mark me
With their reptilian nails;
Though one day all
Their evil shalt fail.

vii.

And whilst I fight, I won't give in,
Mine glow doth shine, betwixt many men;
As ourn Creator bought us as one in him,
Soulmates, best friends, this heart doth yearn.

viii.

O' this heart doth yearn, a fervent burn,
Awaiting for thy buss of roses, sweet, serenading;
Creating heavenly poses.

ix.

On the right Christ
On the left side Moses; none losing focus,
With the mountain scented view.

x.

None goodbye's, but to say
I do; a place always new;
As loving wilt be the
Highest command.

xi.

We'll bury ourn worries
In the ocean sand's; as
Thou shalt take mine hand,
With seraphim to be ourn
Witnesses.

xii.

Catch mine breath
And touch mine
Kisses.


©Brandon nagley
©Lonesome poets poetry
©Earl Jane nagley dedicated( agapi mou )

seeds lie barren
on the hardpan
of a soul craving

seek absolution
on scarred knees
search for bliss
in the brief bloom
after sparse rain
believe these offerings
are not in vain

seeds lie dormant
awaiting
grace