If I went back in time
and asked my younger self how I'd be in the future.
I'm sure I would have said many things,
but not in a rare state in between happiness and sadness.

How is it possible that I feel this way?
It's hard pretending like my inner world isn't dying.
The worst part is, some days when the sadness outweighs everything else,
I don't even know why.

Have I caused this on myself?
Other days I'm glad I'm like this,
How would I know happiness if I didn't know sadness?
All I know for sure is that I shouldn't give in to the desires of giving up.

So for now I'll just be in between.
(-DF-04/07/16-)

"Demons run when a good man goes to war
Night will fall and drown the sun
When a good man goes to war
Friendship dies and true love lies
Night will fall and dark will rise
When a good man goes to war
Demons run but count the cost
The battle is won but the child is lost
When a good man goes to war"

I may as well not exist
I am no longer capable to resist
I am just a dog, being scolded by all
And while everyone bickers, I take the fall
I am now trapped, I am so sorrowful to admit
But I've tried. I'm still thinking, **** it!
But don't get your hopes up, don't wait for me
Because if I can't come up with anything then again you'll be crying
It's my fault. It always is.
This is the new chapter, and the nightmare now begins

My shield is shattered
My weapon is worn
My counted blessings are scattered
My emblem is torn
The walls are broken
The gates are destroyed
I have been taken,
Tortured, and toyed
There is nothing left but silence
Not a peep
No longer shielded by ignorance
No tick, not a tock, the clock is asleep
It feels as if an eternity has passed
But my mind has become two decades fast
My patience is gone, replaced with unease
It festers, rots, and spreads like a disease
Grasping the moment, so precious
Then going after the seconds, minutes, and hours
My world of time has only become a thread as I dangle so precarious
I have no more might, slipping away are my powers
I am defeated
My clock tower in ruins
My misery is repeated
More sorrow coming into fruition

The pastures of my sanity lie between
the first kiss of my lips
and making macaroni and cheese for one.

I’m not fluent in French
but I can speak in tongues,
better than any linguist.

And lust.
My favorite word to say,
and be.

Touch my finger to my lip,
have I gotten your attention yet?

The more I pretend to love,
the more I love to hate.

A silly game,
I’m playing it,
with you.

But the more of you I kiss,
the less of you I like.

And now,
I
the object of your so called affection,
have poisoned you
with foreshortened importance,
and plead with you-
to please retreat.

Yet you still crave me,
like some ignorant child
who’s never believed in candy
until someone told them,
it’s quite sweet.

What is this?
What is amiss?
What is Hell, and what is bliss?
Is it the flame, burning my flesh until it sounds an angry hiss?
Or is it in each other's arms, sealed with a tender kiss?
What is wrong, what is right?
Sleeping peacefully with you this very night
Images in my mind of a great and terrible, beautiful and hideous sight
Darkness all around, snuffing out light
Still waging war on the side of the losing fight
What is sanctuary, what is seclusion?
Staying a good distance from everyone
Watching them all have fun
While I sit under a hood away from the sun
Inside my mind, the only one
Caged in my skull with nowhere to run
These are all just thoughts discarded
Of no importance or use to the shattered-hearted

Conflicted, conflicted
My mind so encrypted
There is no escape, my memories inflicted
Pouring through thoughts as my emotions drifted
Searching for absolution, through sands of sorrow I've sifted

Conflicted, conflicted
My spirit isn't lifted
Entombed from mistakes wondering what I did
Errors and consequences and a farewell I do bid

Conflicted, conflicted
Thoughts and emotions contradicted
Standing here hollowed, my heart evicted
Still is the world, not much to be gifted

Error, error
Fear and terror
Time to shut down or be lost all over
Again and again with my soul torn asunder

Error, error
Shut down or be caught by despair
To late, it's here, it caught me unaware
The damage is absolute with no way to repair

Error, error
It will never be better
Not a shred of care
Caught in Medusa's stare

Begin rebooting sequence
Letting shutdown commence
Countdown has begun
Five, four, three, two, one

Nothing but darkness
Soul as a black screen filled with emptiness
Clearing all of my thoughts, my whole head
If I didn't reboot, I'd be as good as dead

Startup commence
Beginning with mental defense
Fortification complete
Open emotional files, hit delete

Blank canvas and nothing more
An empty shell of what I was before
It will happen again and again
It will stop, but nobody knows when

I am a blank slate but in the depths of my mind
Are the thoughts and feelings I wish I could leave behind

I'm friends with everyone
We all have loads of fun
I'm so happy with how it's all run
Until FOUR THREE TWO ONE
Shattered hopes, broken dreams
Busting my whole perfect life at the seams
I can hear the cries and screams
Arguments and nightmares
Terrifies and scares
Haunts and horrors
Locks and trapdoors
Fires and pits
Demons and misfits
My broken memory
Was suddenly replaced by reality
Not everyone cares for me
Breaking my delusional stupidity
I thought I was the king of lies
But it turns out that they were my world, my demise
I weep over my torn and murdered world
Leaving my innocence in a pile of blood and lies unfurled