The death of a somebody
Is life affirming.
My favorites attend
In the ante-room,
Eyeshot from the shell.
They appeared to be telling
Off-colored jokes,
Childish giggles, anxious glances.
Others talked nervously on their health,
Their swing and trips, car salesmen, and politics.
Violet remarked on the wedding, the bride's redolent dress,
Brocade and settings.
The vows were personal and promising.
Funeral Home is an ironic euphamism;
But the coffee is strong and bitter,
I burned my tongue.
I didn't see much black, mostly pastels.
It's a multi-media presentation of family,
Old and getting precariously older,
Cavorting at the cottage,
Sitting under Christmas trees,
Holding up scarves and mittens.
Everyone smoked then. Everything's hidden.
Someone's grandson touched his hand,
Then recoiled into the nearest waist.
Except for the flowers and box,
There was vibrancy and planning
Where to meet following the graveside,
For a drink and toast to why we're here,
To why any of us are here at all.

My hands above my head,
I grasp for purpose,
and pull the Sun to my chest.

Circles become arbitrary.
Squares, the cousins of
rectangles are discredited as
man-made. That's why metaphors
known as squares are seen as
vulnerable shapes in a misunderstood spectrum.
They are dotted lines
dependent on right angles,
left ashtray to explain anomalies.

So for order we justify lines.
We contain music within them.
Until, of course, the Holy Ghost
is found. Because that strike
against the canvas is thought
to be premeditated.

But that isn't human nature.
That isn't God.
It will only become recorded
notes on a page.
It's retrospect.
A future remembrance of the past.
It's the Sun in your heart,
knowing that containing that
kind of energy is hazardous
to your health.

I'm not sure where to start
Not certain where's the end
I've got some observations
and some reservations....

Observation Number 1
Take care of yourself
Which seems complicated to do when all I can think about is...did that little girl sleep tonight, or did she stay up tortured by the images of her ******

Number 2
Competence is necessary
Of course I already knew this
But apparently in some it doesn't exist
Competence means knowledge it means understanding
Competence is knowing that this family didn't magically appear with issues
No, its been generations, cycles of people whose one commonality, other than DNA, is struggle
Struggle of addiction, struggle of poverty, struggle of depression, struggle to be happy
Competence means understanding that policies are also barriers to real change sometimes

Which leads me to observation Number 3
Policy
It's complicated, it's bureaucratic
It's sometimes diplomatic.
It's the reason we have registered *** offenders
But also the reason we had severe DFCS budget cuts
It's why my client can never seem to have enough money to provide for all 3 of her children

Reservations?
Am I cut out for this? Can I really evoke change?
Can I handle hearing about another 12 year old being abused?Can I really watch another child cry while they're separated from the mother that beat him unconscious?

Maybe it’s my passion to heal those who are broken
Maybe it's because for years I listened on the phone while someone I loved told me about what HE did to her over and over
Day after day
From age 10 until I'm not even sure when it ended
Maybe it's because I have my own story and troubles that I wish someone could've saved me from

But when I look in a child's eyes and see that longing for happiness
That longing for normalcy
I know this is where I belong

Here in social work
With the good, the bad, the ugly
The unknown
I can't let the fear of failure dominate me
I have too many lives to change

I’ve got those pants which used to hug my legs very tightly, some time ago
They were warm and comfortable and they’d snuggle up to each other

But today exact these same pants refused to recognize my legs
They started to let go of them

They observe them now, from a distance, and give them a strange look
They’re scared to touch my legs

They’re scared of those cold and sharp bones
Scared of the blue skin and of my fine hair on them

Bones cold and sharp, which used to be my legs, have become crutches
But they work
Bones, cold and sharp, which might snap in half with every movement
But still they’re whole

And like ghosts, invisible, I walk with those crutches through the hallway
Cross the streets of my hometown
And go for a run every now and then
I get past windows that show no reflection
Past people who look at me in disgust

And when I’m home, the pants slip off by themselves
So that I stand here, naked and barefoot and exposed without any cloth
Only to lift those cold and sharp bones one more time
To make a step forward
Onto a scale which will measure my self-worth in kilograms and make my bony knees wobbly again
Because suddenly, the pants fit again, suffocating my legs with their tightness.