I don't want to be a trend
I just want to be a part of history

I needed to feel something real.
I had to confirm my existence.
So I walked barefoot in the cold.
This pain, never felt so good.

- Depersonalization

I board a public bus
A graying bus driver is a woman and then morphs into a man
A normal experience within a dream

My eyes glaze over as I assume a state of aloofness
As I tend to do when surrounded by unfamiliar people
As some sort of defense mechanism
As if the otherworldly look in my eyes
Will thwart the formation of an ill intention forming in the mind of a stranger that occupies the bus with me
Just in case

Two older men are on the bus
I don't validate their existence
When I am aloof
It feels like I am the only person truly alive
Everything gradually grows dimmer
As my inner world roars as loudly as an amphitheater.

The bus drives for hours
I've never been on this bus before and I've never been to the town I am traveling to
I'm going there to check out a church
Even though I'm not a Christian
Hours pass...
I start falling asleep in my dream
The bus has no stops

Finally, the bus reaches the end of its route
I am dropped off in front of a CVS along with the other two male passengers
One scruffy old man leers at me and smiles at me
But I act as if I didn't see him
I have no idea how to get to the church
It's getting dark
All that is around is the CVS, the bus stop, and a road with an onslaught of cars driving in either direction
Why did I make this hours long trip if I didn't even know exactly where I was going?
If only I could cross the wide street to get to the other side where the bus stop for the bus back home is
But I can't
The cars were driving at fast speeds and their was a constant flow of them
So I stood in that nakedness of uncertainty and abounding possibility
Stuck and calculating
As the sun set over this foreign place I ended up in
All because I was seeking some purpose
And yet, it brought me so far away from home,
the comforts and luxuries and certainties of home
Yet, when I awoke, something deep and vital within me knew
That I will never find my purpose within the comfort of my home.

All those years we were together
All those times you thrusted into me

You were always wanting more
Wanting anyone and everyone else

You stopped appreciating me

I was just there because I was

Attainable

Always attainable

And you felt like you owed me

Like somehow

Giving it to me every night

Would make up for the fact

That you couldn't stay faithful

Or that it would seem like you loved me

Like somehow being there

Would erase all the bad things

They didn't though

They still linger in my past

Where you now reside

And I'm not going back.

I'm vulnerable
     Tears are flowing down my face
             And you comfort me

Nobody told me
The fear of losing
For loving someone so hard
Was something so harsh

Deeply and undoubtedly
Smiling with tears
With hopes you look at me
Right into my eyes

Wounded and scared
I want your comfort
But you belong to her
To non of my presence

I've should known better
Not to play with fire.
It burns, hurt and scars
So why am i addicted ?

How does it feel?
How does it feel
To be without a home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?

And that's what I believe that you always deserved--someone who would love you regardless of your scars. It's what we all deserve. It's a lot like the love that God shows us. That's what you deserve. And now? Oh darling, it's what you have. Please, just cherish it. Love with everything you have. Let this Love become a part of you, because it's pure and beautiful and you deserve to be happy. Just Love with every fiber of your being. Love is the only hope we have left anymore.

Unburdens the dusky river

dreams of flow dead in the bog of hyacinth
harvest burnt in the scorch of aridity
ripples robbed by the silt of dogma
sunbeam denied by the **** of creed

I was meant to reach the sea,
now I would never make it.

I pick the river's shattered pieces
with my own from the wintry dusk.

I hate myself
Because I love those
Who can never love me

Because somehow
I always do what's wrong
Instead of right

Because in the end
I'm the one left alone
Crying

Holding only myself.

I want to show you
That I care,
Though I am here
And you are there.

We've made a mess
Of what we've been
Yet we both know
We cannot win.