He puts a band-aid on it.
Well,
You'll need more than a band-aid
To cover up my Hell.

Here I am, sitting, wondering
What you're thinking.
It's dangerous,
Your love.
It pulls on me in all the right places.
You're the king of my thoughts,
A ruler of my feelings.
I know this cannot be healthy.

Sometimes I open a book
Get lost in the pages, in a safe dream
Sometimes I imagine a world
Where everything is purple and beautiful
My imagination is limitless, fearless
As clumsy reality makes a new mess.

You were there
Right there
And you could hear me calling
Calling out for help
Can you still hear it now?
Because back then
You chose not to listen.

I never asked him to take it
But then again, he never gave.
He stole, he hurt, always betrayed.
I never really wanted to lose it
It slipped right out of my grasp
Just imagine that,
Right out of my grasp,
Like a piece of yourself you can never get back.

I've been living on...
Fake smiles,
False promises,
Long days,
Lonely nights,
Fairweather friends,
And strong stimulants.

Somehow I'm still hungry.

Please, let's defy nature
Let's be stronger than our urges
Let's give it a thought before we pursue
And despite all of those things we're expected to do
Let's just be ourselves and let others be too.

There is a demon in me,
Literally.
I can feel it pushing me away,
Back into the passenger's seat,
As it drives my life.

It's not like you just wake up and say,
"I feel like being miserable today."
It starts so subtle that you still think you're okay,
Then drags you down little by little every day.
You notice that who you were is fading away,
As it slowly molds you to its liking like clay.
By the time you realize the damage, it's too late.
It has already taken a hold of you, along with your fate.

I can feel my smile
Falling fast into a frown
And there's nothing you or I can do
When I'm feeling down.

Different is not always better
But it can be more challenging
And it can be disheartening
When people don't appreciate
Your uniqueness.

I won't tell you what I really think
You'll have to dig deep
Underneath all the sugar,
Trying not to sink.

One blink, and I might disappear in front of your pretty eyes,

Leaving you to always wonder why.

You remind me of him,
Living life on a whim.
Chance of facing consequences is slim.
Deceptive and dangerous, charisma's contagious.
The way you insist on having control is outrageous.
I guess I'm just getting to know you in stages
And I don't like the person underneath all those faces.

What's happening to me
All of a sudden
I don't understand
I wake up not knowing what time it is,
Maybe not even what day it is.
I panic, not knowing where I am
Or if I do know, it just doesn't seem real.

I'm so done with you.
You don't even try.
So when you lose everything,
Don't ask why.

Meet me there, down in the meadow
Where the hyacinths are a lovely light purple
Where the color of the birds ranges from blue to yellow
And other sweet creatures aren't too shy to say 'hello.'

There's a couple of trees there that I liked to climb
Before I was afraid of heights and fears filled my mind
I was independent; I just lived my life
Why can't I return to that simpler time?

This isn't passion anymore; it's violence.
It's self-gratification.
I can feel it, because I feel nothing towards you
And you feel nothing towards me.
Simply a means to an end.
Is that really what I am?

My world was a gray place
An expressionless face
Where black and white people celebrate
Sameness and predictability
Void of creativity.

Your electricity stretches from the heavens,
All the way down, down, deep into my core,
Penetrating all emptiness.
My heart stops and starts again.
A short-lived force of nature.

He empowers me
Has me feeling I can conquer anything
Do I love him?
No,
But a certain kind of respect
And a clear sign of acknowledgment
Must be given
When he speaks
And when he listens.

I write, yet I feel empty.
I paint, yet I feel empty.
I sing, yet I feel empty.
I kiss you, and I feel something.

Devious, dark
Smoky figure
Linger
All around me
As I fade away
Becoming that dark person
That diabolical girl
Who hides and stalks and preys
On all.

Evil is quiet;
It does not need to be loud.
So light, it floats above us,
Higher than the clouds.

They all form a circle
Tightly woven like a sweater
With no extra room
No space at all,
Not even for me.

And so I let it all just melt away.
The hurt, the rejection. The uncertainty.
All of it.

In its place, a fire grew.
Fueled by endless years of beating myself up,
Of hurting the person I should love first.

Suddenly their words felt far away.
The criticism, the pain.
It all melted away. It was harmless.

What am I
But a failed catalyst?
A spark of fire in water
Lightning in an empty field
Suspended belief in a fantasy
No real action
No real progress
No reactions.

Sometimes I wish someone, some kind soul,
Would just shoot me in the face
So I can see what it's like to be erased
From the world.

You act so ditzy
It's sickening
Everything about you is
Fake, fake, fake.
I can't even look in your eyes;
They're blank.

Hold on to your pride.
Clutch it like a mask
On a diving, burning plane.
Only let go when you're alone,
Screaming as the altitude drops,
Cold reality seeping in around you.
Everything is falling, and you are mortal.
You will finish in the same place
As everyone else.
You will breathe your last breath
As everyone else.
You will have regrets and questions
As everyone else.
Get ready to come down here
With everyone else.

Sometimes I get this crazy thought
That no one likes me
That no one cares.
I just feel like it's all falling apart,
That I'm falling apart
Like a rare piece of art
That is too difficult to replicate.

Five days
My brain's in a haze
I wake up whenever
I go to sleep later than ever
Same routine, same boring routine,
Sometimes I think I'll wake up
From this painful dream.
Everything seems the same,
Even though it's all changed.
All my priorities have been re-arranged.
I am the only one who can take care of myself now.
The only problem is I don't know how.

Can't explain it.
This strange, eerie feeling,
That I could be so much more,
But never will be.

I remember the first few times
When I just tried to put it out of my mind.
I would replay the events and edit each part.
I would switch the finish with the start.
A chaotic scene, a jumbled mess.
Images racing through my head.
After I pressed pause, part of me stopped.
Then another part just started back up.
I'm moving forward while I'm standing still.
I'm feeling that friction; it's giving me chills.

There is death now, inside of me,
Silence and tranquility.

Tonight the life inside of me speaks,
Screams, cries, and tells a story.

A story of abuse and neglect,
Loneliness and lack of friendship.
Rejection.
ANGER. RAGE.
Many questions, such as,
HOW COULD YOU? WHO AM I?
WHAT DO I DO NOW?

So many questions left unanswered.
So many feelings left unattended.
A child is left to wonder and to hurt.
The adults are left to regret.
The criminals are left alone.

Self-esteem is ruined.
Life turns to death.
Death turns to freedom.

Friends become enemies,
Enemies become friends.
I turn my back for one second and
They're enemies again.

Butterflies flit around in my stomach.
My blood boils, and I feel sick.
I've tried so hard to ignore it -
Dreams for the future,
Dreams that seem so impossible to attain.
Am I too lazy to try, or am I afraid?
Success scares me as much as failure.
So, I stay frozen waiting patiently for my fire
To melt my apathy and hopefully,
Breathe some of its life into me.

You ****** up
Without even trying to **** up
So *******
Is all I can really say.

I know what I said;
I know what I did.
Here you are claiming
It never happened.
I know how you are;
I know your routine.
Here you are claiming
You're not any different.
Here I am, alone,
In my perception.
Am I crazy,
Or just a victim of clever deception?

It's brutal, really, the way you handle me sometimes.
I'm made of glass, not elastic.
I cannot bend to your every need.
If you drop me, I will not fall like a feather.
I will break, and you will be the one picking up the pieces.

I never thought I'd feel this way.
I tried, but I failed to push you away.
Then when I finally let go and caved,
You said you can't afford to stay.
I'm left feeling all kinds of grays.
Don't even know if I'm sad or amazed
That you would just up and leave
And now it's getting so hard for me to believe
That this is ultimately for the best,
That this is in your best interest.
I'm not the one to determine that though,
So I'll support you, as I watch you go.

I don't care what you want.
I will take what I want.
I will get what I want.
You can't make me open up.
I won't leave myself weak
On an island that no one can reach.
You are testing my patience.
I never promised you trust.
I never said that I must.
Shut up, that's enough!
You don't like this, then tough.
You don't have to stick around.
There is no obligation here to which you are bound.
You can run away anytime, so go ahead.
You are not the first one;
You certainly won't be the last.

Don't ******* reach out to me;
Just leave me alone.
I don't want to go out;
I want to stay home.
I don't want any warmth;
I'm used to the cold.
So,
Let me freeze here until I grow old.

Oh, don’t you know
I know who I’m contending with
Sister, it seems
Like you live in a dream
Because you can’t see things
As they might be

What I mean
Is that I know what the difference is
Between an angel and a devil
Between good and pure evil
What I mean
Is that I’ll never surrender
My humanity
To anything but the almighty power
Watching right above me

Yeah, I know
He whispers in my ears sometimes
And misleads me when I am blind
That’s just the kind of thing he’d do
And sometimes I do fall behind
Sometimes I do get out of line
But when I do, I give him a piece of my mind

What I mean
Is that I’m not listening
To his dark intentions for me
And his negativity
What I mean
Is that he is not what he seems
Hiding behind a smokescreen

It's pointless for me to worry about you,
But somehow, in some way, I do.
I should know by now your heart is ice,
And the best you can do is pretend to be nice.

Stick a pin,
Right under your skin.
Leave it there, remember where.
Push it farther and farther in,
Everytime you fail to win.

He's different.
Fragile, quiet.
Unassuming.
He floats around,
Light as a cloud
That never comes down.
He's on his own level
No one else's
And he lives by his own rules
Makes his own choices.

Hey, you there,
I'm thinking of you.
We may not know each other well
And you may feel invisible,
But I am thinking of you.
Maybe it's because I'm an artist,
Because I'm sensitive,
And I think about all kinds of things
Like you.
Maybe it's because I'm curious, or bored,
Or just a little too involved.
Still,
Isn't it even just a little comforting
To know
That someone is thinking of you?