Shallow people crave shallow love.
It's all they know, all they're made of.
Somewhere along the line, they never learned
How to have compassion, how to wait their turn.
They are high maintenance, always vying for your attention.
If they feel they don't have it, they throw a tantrum.
Self-esteem? Yes, I think they should get some.
Respect for others? They really have none.

Burying all those burdens,
Saving all those dreams,
Sometimes it's much, much better,
More promising than it seems.

You tell me to be open
Then you close the door,
Just shut it right in my face.
You seem so warm, then you just
Freeze over, leaving me shivering.
I don't understand you.
I don't know what you want from me.
I can't be perfectly lukewarm,
All the time.
I can't read your mind.

I feel too much.
I judge too quick.
When I see a flaw, I just pick, pick, pick.
I'm too much of a perfectionist.
It's something I will never admit.
I'm too empathic, I care too much.
It is nearly impossible to earn my trust.
Sometimes I don't know if I'm in love or lust.
Sometimes I just want to give up.

Our human experience
Comes complete with emotions,
Both painful and gratifying.
You cannot rob me of that,
Ever.

Do you feel that silence
Burning into you
The fury of what you did to me
You took away absolutely everything
And expect me to smile like nothing's happening.
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.
I can't say it enough.
And if you miss hearing from me,
Well, tough.
I never got the chance to really grow up,
Always bound to you like glue.
There are just some things you shouldn't do
To a fourteen-year-old girl who's so confused.
I even told you all about what I had been through.
Still, you crossed all boundaries then tried to blame who?
You blamed me, you placed all the blame on me,
For being young and naive,
For not being able to see
When people were taking advantage of me.
You weren't even here to help or protect,
How dare you act like you've always treated me with respect.
You were downright abusive, don't you forget.
You've filled me with so much guilt and regret,
When you haven't even looked at yourself yet.

I am not alive;
There is death in my eyes.
There is no meaning in each step.
There is no soul in my breath.

Cold, icy, mean.
The unforgiving queen.
Hurt by the past, she strikes back.
She ruins anyone in her path.

I don't miss you.
I don't know why I think I do.
Because if you were here right now,
I don't even know how
I would live my life.
I can feel you creeping up again,
Trying to get back in,
Trying to tie up those pesky loose ends.
It ends here now before it ever begins.
I'm not going to let you hurt me again.

I like you.
Sometimes I don't know why.
You act so arrogant, but then you act shy.
I've come to see so many different sides
Of you.
You try to be confident despite insecurity
Brewing underneath the surface constantly.
I guess I admire that about you, surprisingly.
You are everything a human is, undoubtedly.
I wish I could tell you that I care,
That no matter what, I want to be there.
I never do, simply out of fear.
It's hard for me to open up to those that are near.

I love you, but it frightens me
Because you are the only one I see
Because everyone else fails to be
You.

I feel so alive today.
By tomorrow I'll feel dead.
And yes, I know it's all in my head
All imaginary, you said.

Dried tears
Numbed eyes
Here is my perfect world
Watch it as it falls
All around me
I no longer feel the pain
I just feel bliss

I want to feel the icy touch
Of independence
Caressing my face
Reminding me that it's not so scary
To be alone.

I would do anything to protect you
Even if it meant stripping another human being down
Down to their bones, to see what's underneath it all
What they may be hiding from you.

Is it cheating
To rely on another person
To make you feel whole,
To make you feel happy
When the whole time
You should be doing that
For yourself.

I feel my dignity fall all around me
A light melody
Playing carelessly in my head
A chorus of voices,
In confusing, imperfect unison.
They are here to stay, at least for today.
It's the psychosis again. Sinking in.

You make the choice.
You can either carry on, or give up.
You can laugh about it or you can cry.
You can keep quiet or speak your mind.
You can cling to your independence with all your might,
Or learn how to ask for and accept help.

...You can go for it, or you can just get out.

Am I okay, you ask?
I sincerely doubt it.
What I do know though,
Is how much it doesn't matter.
My life goes on, despite how much I resent the passage of time.
Despite how I count down to not only the end of the day, but the end of me.
And as the clock ticks, I realize each second is wasted.
It's wasted on my negativity.
So, maybe I should just be okay for once,
Even if it hurts.
What do I have to lose?

People are so quick to judge
Where you're going
When they have gone nowhere
When they have yet
To put their name and their success
In bright flashing lights.

Sometimes it's easier
To believe
That it's all a dream
Not real, can't hurt you.

Sometimes I surprise myself
With my own smile
Somehow it convinces me
I'm fine for a while
Then suddenly,
Without a whisper of a warning,
I no longer have any strength to get up in the morning.

They tell me,
'Just try it on, you don't have to wear it the next day.'
Oh isn't that so easy for you to say,
When you've cast all your morals away?

I am made of Kevlar,
Solid and strong.
Your hurtful commentary
Just bounces off of me
And your negativity
Leaves no scars.

You turn away from me,
And I am frozen.
I never lived like you, girl;
I had love all along.
I had family that showed me
Consistent compassion without
Multiple conditions
Begging to be fulfilled.
Then here you are,
Not knowing how to show you care
Not knowing how to embrace your faults
No, you simply push them away,
Disgusted and in disbelief
That you are not perfect
Even though this whole time,
I've been telling you
You're perfect for me.

Trust me, it is my last resort.
I would rather paint a picture,
Write a song,
Find a place where I feel I belong.
It is not the first thing on my mind,
But I just can't seem to leave it behind.

What kind of legacy can I leave
When you are constantly
Holding me back?

You are disgusting,
So very vile,
And I thank you for that
As you make it effortless -
To pity and hate you
So I don't have to love you back.

Look at me, aren't I so cool?
I can laugh at you, make you feel like a fool.
While you're looking up, I'm looking down.
I see you there, small on the ground.
At any moment I can make your heart turn around.
It's that sliver of kindness within me that you found.
It keeps you from leaving, thirsting for more.
It keeps you from walking out of that door.
I can shut my emotions off at any time.
I can make you forget, I can make you blind.
I will lie to your face with absolutely no expression.
I don't care if I leave you with a false impression.
I do this all to protect myself.
How am I supposed to know what you're all about?
Guilty until proven innocent.
Can't trust anyone without knowing their true intent.

There was the spark,
And it's slowly fading out
And I can't stop it now
Even if I knew how.

Four years of wasted work
All so I could see you succeed
Without any degree
There it is again - unwelcome irony.

Everyone told me I would go far
And here I am,
Completely uncertain.
Completely lost.

Maybe part of me likes it this way
The same clever part that knows
How impossible it is for me in this situation
To succeed or fail.

There is no direction;
There is no dream.
This is the safest way to go
It seems.

I'm getting lost in you
So lost
That I've daydreamed of the next time
We can see each other
So lost
That I cannot imagine anything better
Than cuddling up together.
I am so lost
That I have forgotten the things
That make me happy
Aside from your smile
And your beauty.

Love is more powerful
Than you could ever imagine
It defies your expectations
It satiates your thirst
For something real and complete
It is the only freedom
From your own selfish agenda.

The way you kissed me,
The way we looked at each other.
I cannot put it out of my mind.
I try to be logical, I try to find
Any excuse not to feel; this can't be real.
There are too many wounds
Left to heal.
I thought I would do it on my own;
I thought I was alone.
You tell me I'm special,
That I'm someone you were lucky to find,
As you look right through me with your deep dark eyes.
I tell you you're one of the sweetest guys;
You laugh as if you're not surprised.
Trust me, these are not just pretty little lies.
I really like you, and it's hard to hide.

It's hollow, mechanical,
Begging for some kind of miracle
To bring it to life
Before its repetitive, monotonous motions
Bring death to what we have,
To everything we're creating.

Sometimes when I hate myself,
It's not really me that I hate.
It's the people who hurt me
Long, long ago.

Running around
Like an idiot
And everything is a catastrophe,
Isn't it?

No composure, no finesse
All these worries you can't put to rest.
I wonder how you even passed the test,
How you can still wear that badge
On your chest.

She zips up my mouth
She holds my arms down
She presses me firmly against the cold, hard ground
She takes over my life
She cuts my pride with a knife
And I have to smile when everyone says that she's 'nice.'

Money calls me in and spits me out.
It helps me live then lets me down.
It takes the wheel, the tires squeal.
It finds me here, should I disappear?

I can't understand why I do it
Every day, it drives me insane.
If only I believed I was better than this.
If only I respected myself more.
Living life the same, day after day.
I just want this monotony to go away.

If I could just meet you, for one second,
Make direct contact, know that you exist.
If I could just be you and feel that wonderful feeling, both relieving and thrilling.
If you could show yourself to me, I would learn to be happy.
But, there's this painful reality
Where you can only be
An ever evasive shadow.
Selfishly you side-step the light, unaffected when you leave me empty and shallow.

I'm writing a story
Well, kind of.
Mostly it's writing itself.
It comes from a place
Of genuine feeling,
Of thoughts buried so deep
That I need at least
A hundred pages
To resurface those repressed dreams
And nightmares.

I stand here, naked,
While you sit, fully clothed and comfortable.
I am cold and lonely, misunderstood and angry.
You are always cocky, happy to ignore me.
Forget it, no, I don't need anything.
Thanks for asking.
Maybe one day we will see eye to eye,
While I stand here, naked,
Afraid.

Rotting flesh
Can be consumed
By the most possessed
It is a sickly sacrifice
At its best
And the devil is laughing
At all of us.

I look into the mirror
Determined to say,
'I'm beautiful, I'm perfect today.'
Then I see the somewhat misshapen nose
The lines underneath my eyes
A brand new pimple on my cheek
Ears that stick out
And all I can think
Is that I will never be beautiful.

We spent so long building foundations so strong.
Now it's like they were never there; they are forever gone.
Was it all just an illusion?
Was it all just a dream?
Whenever I hear from you, that's just how it seems.
I don't hear warmth in your tone or even familiarity.
I don't think you ever truly loved me.

If we could all hit a button to obtain love, happiness, and success, we probably would.
Then regret would flood through us as we realized that effort and hard work make us complete,
Make us alive.
We would sit there with everything handed to us,
And nothing to show for it.

Warm blankets envelope me.
A hot cup of chamomile rests dutifully by my side.
The sound of fake rain drops emanates mechanically from my phone.
And there I am, trying to block it all out.
Trying to forget what you did.
Even though it haunts me, crushes my relationships,
Erases my self-esteem,
And wriggles its way into every good dream.

I walked all the way
To the edge of the earth
Just to say
I got there first
And it's funny how much we thirst
When second best is as good as cursed.

It starts off small.
A nag, here or there.
Did you forget to do this,
Did you remember to do that?
It grazes the line.
Did you check and re-check?
Did you re-check again?
It grows larger.
How many times did you check?
Could you check once more?
Larger than you.
Did you double, triple, and quadruple check?
Did you do everything you could do?
Obsessive,
Cruel,
Demoralizing,
OCD.