I've been thinking about what it is to die.
And what it is to live.

We inevitably experience both.

Life is like a gift.
You may love, you may hate.
Some unfortunately return it.
You might waste it and throw it away unused.
You may be thankful, grateful for it.

It's all about what you do with it.

We are all marked with an expiry date
One we won't know until it's too late.

So take this gift and thank the giver.
That life is as good a reason to live for.

Kiss me,
Under the stars, right when I think you won't
Tell me,
what you think, of me, of you, of us

Just speak,
Fill the silence, ramble, chat and stray
Show me,
who you are, your soul, your mind, your way

I'm numb
from feeling
I feel dead
I'm not healing

Stop being so selfish
Smile you're here
Give me one good reason
That you shouldn't be

You have life
You are free
Get over yourself
You're ignorant, please

You're not numb
You just don't try
To live the life
You've been given

You are alive

Now numb is not feeling
From head to toe
Get over yourself
What more could you want

a life, a dream, a goal, a friend
You have it all
It never ends

Pick yourself up
Of that ***** old floor
You have the power
And yet you want more

Get over yourself
You have more than you see
There are people out there
Craving your dreams

So stand proud
On your two good feet
Get over yourself
Or yourself you'll defeat

Outside the wind is blowing
Close the door behind you
Let's forget ourselves
Like there's no one else

The sun it starts descending
The days gone by
And I close my eyes
And picture coloured skies
Of a brighter day

In this thing called life

Under the bridge that holds us high
There's an anchor found
Holding someone down

The birds, they sing there lullabies
To ease the minds
Through the lonely nights

In this thing called life

Oh and when it rains
Dance your soul away
Cleanse yourself of sin
And wash away the pain

In this thing called life

I love you or loathe you
There's no in between
I'd rather be honest
My grass is not green

It's rotted and overgrown
Once you hop the fence
Full of the truth
Full of regrets

I was born pure

The world is a crazy place
Temptations and demons
Good vs. bad
It's hard to feel safe

So you try to stand on your own two feet
Try to feel like you're strong
Try to fend for yourself
Only to realise your wrong

You need help
Just like everyone
To feel alone
Is to feel like your done

I was born pure
In a world full of sin
And I tried to fight
I didn't win

Purity
A new soul enters the earth
Unable to protect yourself
Unable to control your future

CRASH

Before you can even remember
1st of March the last second together
And you don't realise the course of your life
Forever changed, poison has spiked

You're mind is tainted
Everything bias
A pity party has been invited

Before it's too late
Stand up and see
What's beyond the cloud
You've pre-destined grey

It was all a mistake
But mistakes can cost lives
You chose to sneak
To undo and hide
To put it simply
You lied

You underestimated the power of love
Be a man
Admit when you're wrong

I know it must be hard
And I know for me it was
The nameless face
The one who takes

The man behind the ******

I know that is a strong word
And to an extent false
But in the eyes of a little girl
Grey isn't in your clause

It's black and white
Right and wrong
Life and death
You choose but one

I've spent my life trying
to be normal, to be wanted, to be here
Now I see that  life is full
But only if you be

Be present, in the moment
Be true, be strong and wise
Refuse to make a change
Just so you'll be liked

I sit at my window
I sit on the pane
I picture a scene
Where nothings the same

What if, how come?
I don't understand
If I just jump
Would you be glad

I would, I think
At times I wonder
Would it save me
Or be just a blunder

I crave so much
to feel.
What is it to feel?
A touch, or something so much more

Interlock and synchronise
with another beating heart.
To feel something more and greater than yourself

We can all see
But not all see
We can all feel

But some are the lucky ones
and do.

I want to know where your mind is
Cause mines straying, getting lost trying to find it

I'm getting cold here on the outside
Just let me in confide, confess
Let me by your side

Cause I haven't slept for several days
And my mind is kept preoccupied by the thought of you

Am I out of depth, have I fallen to the sea
That I've wept?
I can't breathe

Cause I and I and I am lost for words with you
And I and I and I am g

I feel it seep through my bloodstream
Infatuation creeps upon me and I can't seem

To let it pass, I do it to myself
Calling out for help

Don't feel obliged to stay
There's the door, be on your way
I'd rather you go sooner than later
Save me some pain, please

I'll be ok on my own
Familiar and comfortable
So please be on your way

Unless perhaps you'd like to stay?

I want to go home, I want to sleep
Why isn't anyone talking to me?
I want to belong, feel I'm in place
Why am I always the mismatched piece?

I want to scream, just be alone
with just me, myself
Do I have to be here?
Why can't I make my thoughts clear?

But I sit and smile
And make out to be
Happy and jolly
Just laugh endlessly
To distract from the facts
From what's in my head
I'm just so happy, my mind isn't read

My room is a mess
Almost as messy as my head.
And I remain alone.

Alone
That seems to be my new home,
a place where I feel so uncomfortable
but can't escape

Home is where the heart is?
My heart is but a functioning *****,
Keeping me breathing,
And I don't see the need

I am a home bird with no home.

It's hard to keep my thoughts
from straying far away

I try, I try not to fall back
That reality is too real for me

If I accept myself
Love will follow
That's what you said

But I've felt nothing
no longer
not even sorrow
nor pain

I feel empty
I can hear the echo in my soul
When I attempt to speak

The end is near
Fear is far
My soul is black
And oh so bleak

Too late for saving
Fold me up
Push my skin
leave me craving

Love

Blowing bright in the spring
Yellow like my hair
That I didn't get from you
What did I get from you?

My stomach twists, I see them budding
I feel you spirit near
I feel protected , I feel safe
My mood lifts, light as air

Is it safe to feel nothing?
Is it safe not to feel?
Consumed and obsessed
by the fact this is real

No pride or pain
To hold or heal
A sense is lost
What's it to steal

You stole from me
A lifelong dream
of hope and warmth
I'm cold it seems

Frozen still
I'm frozen still
Time moves on
I hope I will

I dreamt of you last night
I saw you on a train
You smiled like you understood,
You understood my pain

I woke up and you weren't there
I woke up
A dream is but a dream
And then my eyes they open
And your existence is but a spek of dusk
To the world

But not to me,
To me my world is altered
And I cannot start again
Life's definition
lost all meaning

You're heart still beats through mine

And I'll keep dreaming
I'll keep dreaming

Who are we?
Without air to breath
Eyes to see
Skin to feel?

Who are we?
Love's creation,
part of a nation,
one spek in the universe
Here to be?

Who are we?
And why are we?

We are but beating hearts
blood and flesh
Held together by skeleton
And all we do is break

And all we'll do is break.

I just need a little time
To myself

I love and I live
I need help

Come home to me
I am home

Come home to me
I'm alone

Blood is thicker than water you say
Where was blood when I cried
Blood to me only ran away
turned their back or died.

Blood is selfish, takes and takes
Water cleanses my soul
Blood to me is just a name
Love is the goal.

What is love you might ask?
Love is feeling warm
Love's what I like to call
My family, my home

I'm like an old tree
Growing in the wind

I am shaped by it's direction
I can try to fight it but the wind
Is too strong for my branches

I can move with it.

What is more beautiful
Than a tree that moves from root to leave
What is more unique?

I was always like this tree
But I used to move stiffly
Trying to find stillness

Now I find stillness when the weather allows it
I find it in due time
And until then I dance freely with the world

I was never good at saying goodbyes
Wrap my in your arms
I'll hid my head in your shoulders
To hide the tears 'cause I never cry

An emotional wreck is the best that I am
Trying to keep from breaking
Fragile, lonely, ghostly
Waiting 'til next time I'm hoping

Who am I?
I am human

Girl or boy?
I am human

Short or tall?
I am human

Fat or thin?
I am human

Before you make your judgments
Give me time of day
I am, you are, we are
All as one the same

This world does shape and mould us
Builds us, gives us time
to become who we are
take ownership of what's mine

And what's mine is my body
What matters? nothing else
We are equal until we use what's our
to shape somebody else.

So many things to get in the way
But the bond, our bond will never break
Miles and miles keep us away
But our love is strong

My skin and my body
Protect what's most sacred
My mind and my heart
Beneath it I'm decent

A shell's what you see
That will never hatch
But through conversation
You might find you'll latch

But I'm not worth the time
I'm not worth the search
I'll smile, I'm fine
Beneath it I'm hurt

I'm here where I am because of your absence
I lost and I longed, regretting this tragic,
I'm here where I am, I refuse to believe
That this life, my life will follow routine

You live, you love, you work, complain
I want a life I feel worth something,
Full of excitement, spontaneity, rushes
My hopes and dreams will not be forgotten

I'm here where I am, learned from your life
The life that I missed, wish I knew for more time
I'm here where I am and you where you are
I'm here where I am 'cause you joined the stars

Dig a lot deeper
My shallow son
Under the surface, the skin, the lies
There's a lost soul, straying, on the run

Seeking out for something real
Something to release that fear

Haunted by the meandering, flickering thoughts
Hearts racing and pacing
Dare we speak it, we dare not

It's more than your words
It consumes my brain
Every detail
Reveals something

Hours and hours
Spent analyzing
Behind the words
The hidden meaning

I'm just simply overthinking

Scars in my mind
Scars on my body
Healing with time
I am so sorry

For my ways
I'm useless at best
Do little, do nothing
I'm not like the rest

A disaster some might say
Potential is there
I'm trying but-
I'm stuck in a rut

The scars are healed but they still remain

Here's the thing
Security was taken from my mind
Was I wrong? Always wrong
Don't ask me, I'm never right

I don't deserve,
I won't deserve
A full and happy life

Dancing free
wish I could be,
A world where I could strive

Of course even in disorder
I couldn't be right,
It had to be the lesser
I wasn't strong enough to fight

Hold my breath now
count to 10,
preferably 10 thousand
Close my eyes
Pray that I
Would awake in blissful heaven.

I will never forget
It's not always easy
I will never regret
The past

Outcast
Freak
Pushover
Weak

Well *******
All I ever wanted was peace

And with that, I caved in on myself
Losing perspective, bad mental health

I was out of my mind, a drugless high
And all I need is to be at peace

Bonds break
What was once there
Is now not
Is but a memory shared

Tears are cried
In secret rooms
As so to keep up an appearance
Without all the gloom

Tell me this
Why don't you call?
I'm here waiting
Feeling small

Inferior,
Lesser,
But I know
I'm equal as is every human soul

Smoke in my lungs
Prevents me from breathing
The air that I love

I don't deserve
The beautiful air
Yet another thing

I turn from pure
To something toxic
Pessimistics what I'm called

It's more than this one small thing
It's truth

There was something in that moment
It sparked the light of day
Momentum built
And built and built
And suddenly a flame:

A flame of warmth and kindness
Or a flame to burn us down?
A flame is just a flame
We have power now.

I listened for an answer
The wind it whistled by,
I threw the fire in the air
Swallowed hole by sky

And I captured in the moment
Power is a myth
For the insecure and the incompetent

I seek, I seek
I can't seem to find
A recipe, a cure
to ease my mind

I seek, I seek
I search for a break
A rest, just a minute
Simplicity, peace

I wait, I wait
I wait for a day
I can hide in my mind
It's my way

I seek, I seek
I seek and I find
If you don't choose how you live
You'll be left behind

Frozen moments
Stop and smile
Memories golden
Left for a while

Place, people, hopes
We didn't know our faith
Future like a ghost
Lingering with days

Hide your tears
Wipe your eyes
All sorrows to the back of your mind
For looking back you'll see what's good
You'll know the bad
What's left you should
Cherish
For in that moment
Everything was fine
Everyone stood still
To keep this one moment in time

Foggy and feared
Unclear what is there
Is there or near
What's to come, my dear

You foolish child
Loosing your way
Running wild
It's your path, you take

I watch in worry
Watch and cry
I can't but wonder
Why you lie

To me, to them
To you even
You're digging a grave
That you'll have to sit in

Hope is a tonne of bricks
That I can no longer carry.
He's weighing me down
Hour by hour

I feel each second
but I try to hold on
Because Hope seems so freeing
Hope keeps me strong.

The first thing you see
The thing I despise,
I'm trying to cope with
To say I am is a lie.

I'll admit to be better
Than back when I spent
All my time concerned with
What meal might come next

I've treated you cruely
Both inside and out,
I thought you deserved it
I know I'm wrong now

My body, my body
I promise to love,
At least try to be kind to
And heal these old wounds

I sit in thought for hours
False hope creeps through my blood,
"I'm happy, so happy" I tell myself
And others, to be understood
As someone else, to be perceived
In a different light
So maybe someday I could be
Nearly, maybe, might.

But it's that that isn't seen
The being that's alone
who craves the life that 'should have been'
whose heart is but stone.

I stand by a stone
That's all it is
But is means so much more
It means that you're here

I sit and talk for hours and hours
Visit this rock
Dress it with flowers

It deserves love
The love that I have
Not for a stone
But what it represents

So much more than flesh I seek
In any one human being
In you I find something exquisite
Draws me in, makes me revisit

In moments, mere seconds
I feel the flutter
My stomach
However words remain unuttered

My love for you runs deep and far
You saved me from my mind
You didn't even know
My darling, you're just kind

Perspective;
sheds a light on truth.

One story holds many truths,
that is told through the half-truths that went before us.

We are victim to both past and future,
but what of present?
Only what we allow ourselves to be

I stand frozen
I watch as the tap trickles to a halt
I wait as the bath fills
They represent my tears
The ones I try to pretend aren't falling

I shake
Shake like the ripples that have created
I stand before myself
The scariest thing I have done
And I don't even see myself
Who or what have I become

Life is something you should crave
A gift but you don't know how great
Until it's just too much too late

I almost returned my gift
I almost said no thanks
I almost missed those moments
I almost missed myself

My heart is beating
I must be alive
My pulse is racing
I must've survived

My head is pounding
At least I'm alive
The paranoia
Am I going to die?

You say I'm fine
Don't have "real" symptoms
You don't see my mind
I may be a victim

I sit and wait
for morning sun
Contemplating
Time can't be undone

Every second I remember
Analyse
Now I surrender
To the moon
Or so I think
The thoughts won't allow me
Barely to blink

Goodnight my love
Enjoy the rest
The break, the time
I'm envious

Goodnight my dear
Sleep well
At least I'm alive
As you can tell

I live to breathe
But what's the need
When the world is nothing
Means nothing to me

I was born for greatness
born for glory
I've spent my life
In heaves, just mourning

Life and loss
And love and hate
I was born for greatness
Born to be great

I've lost myself
In this grass, so green
Find life to be better
Than it seems