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I've tried to understand myself, the what, the where, the WHY?

The more I look inside myself, the more I want to cry.

My souls been searched a thousand times and still I ask the question, who am I?

I sometimes think I've cracked it, got the secret, changed my mind. But it's all gone in a blink of an eye, I've ruined things again...Who am I?

No longer can I scream and shout because I've started to just sigh. This never ending question plays on, who am I?

I look to others for validation, or run away from their judging eyes. I'm not sure they can tell me, who am I?

In a day I'll have the answer, in a week I'll kiss it goodbye, in a month I'm going faster, in a year...Who am I?

And I've tried to understand myself, the what, the where, the WHY...But can I ask you a question? Who am I?
I braced for the sound, the inevitable blast that would deafen my ears and jolt my nerves
they came streaming out in my words
every syllable sounded like rounds from the chamber
as i released my anger
I hate who I become
when you spit your venom and load my gun
the magazine full of thoughts of discontent
shells of spite and resent
your words push your fingers to pull my trigger
itching dangerously close to setting off my uncontrollable rage
I try putting my mouth on safe
holding the rounds at bay
yet they pour out one after another
we're poison for each other
I'm sick, weak in the knees as these words continue to  release each time your words pull that trigger and squeeze
the blowback nearly knocks me off my feet
I hear the distinct buzz of being too close to the boom
in the center of the room
my fingers pointing at you to blame, you're the reason I explode
I'm too weak, these words too heavy to reload
I hate who I've become
when you fill my thoughts with this ammo and turn me into this gun
7:30 am
through sun
must get out
and play
or just to
in its rays
Sleep now
or wake to find the truth
That there is no man beside you
Just a boy still shedding youth
Sleep now
and forever lay in peace
I'll stand draped beneath this emptiness
You stay between my sheets
Silence, it's not much to ask for
banging before 8am
loud after 10pm
never shutting up, never been silent

With all its negatives
been deaf as one advantage
no noisy neighbors
no noisy traffic
total silence, something so rare

A house in the country
a boat at sea
a shuttle in space
places to finally get some sleep
places to finally get some silence
People who are deaf would love to be able to hear their neighbors and traffic and really deserve a cure, the purpose of making the comment about the one advantage to been deaf was for the purpose of the poem and also to explain how noisy the world is and can be.

Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed it, if you have any questions please ask them and I will try to answer them a.s.a.p.

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