tonight, my heart is foundering
but i can't let you see me floundering
because god forbid i show weakness
or ever be any kind of vulnerable
so i isolate myself in silence
and try to become more artful
in the lies i tell to convince you i'm fine
while i try to drown my sorrows in whiskey or wine
and numb all this pain whose source i can't fathom
all the while holding out hope that i might become
someone who is worth it
all this

this fighting and struggling just to make it one more day
this going from doing just fine to aggressively not okay
without warning or reason or trigger
and i know the root cause must be something bigger
than just the **** in my head, but somehow i can't figure
out what it is that causes me
to be like this, i just can't seem to see
what it is that this hole in my heart needs
what would make me feel complete and stop this bleed
of emotions and tears and words onto tear-stained pages
while i write down what has become my lament for ages

why
the ****
am i like this

i can't fight this feeling anymore
you've pushed me down so hard, so low
never thought that in my life i would come to know
a pain so real it makes your whole entire life feel cold

you've been telling me
in ways roundabout or directly
that i'm not good enough
and that you're confident i never will be
but you still won't let me go

it's like you get some sick thrill
out of my suffering and pain
as if you live to further break my will
and tell me lies about who i am
but are they lies? i used to know
now i fear you might be right and i might be ******
useless, a husk, too old
not smart or capable enough to keep this going

so you're finally going to get what it seems like you want
i'm giving up, giving in, going down
no swinging, no whimper or bang
just a quiet, emotional suicide because i've found
as far as you're concerned, my only worth is in you
and if that's true
i'm not going to risk feeling this anymore

your fingertips across my skin
the palm trees swaying in the wind
memories

you told me you would never lie
the sweetest sadness in your eyes
you never did

i truly want to see you happy
and i know you want the same for me

but it's hard when all i want is
your hand holding mine
and to hear you whisper softly
i love you and i'm glad you're mine
and it's getting harder these days
to pretend i'm over you
should have known you'd bring me heartache
boys like you always do

we walked along a crowded street
i took your arm and you smoked with me
memories

and when i left you held me tight
and said that you would never ever forget
our many nights

i truly want to see you happy
and i know you want the same for me

but it's hard when all i want is
your body entwined in mine
and to hear you whisper softly
my darling i'm so glad you're mine
and it's getting harder these days
to pretend that i'm just fine
should have known you'd bring me heartache
boys like you always do

i cannot walk by the beachfront
i cannot smoke beneath the moon
i've abandoned so many records
because your ghost still haunts their tunes
so now you're gone and i'm broken
and i bet you are just fine

i wish i knew a way to live
without you by my side

but it's hard when all i want is
your arms around me tight
and to tell you just this once that
i love you and i'm glad you're mine
and it's getting harder these days
to live life without you
should have known you'd bring me heartache
boys like you always do

Why do I feel numb
Watching the world
Listless in sight
Because I only see it in black and white

Colors are washed out of my eyes
And every light in me has died
All I see are smiles as frowns
Because I only see them upside down

Love songs don’t have any meaning
For a person who is trapped in their mind
Love can attempt to come my way
And I will just glance and walk away

Storm clouds cries and fills the ocean
But my salty tears competes with emotion
Filling the ocean ten times till tomorrow
That the ocean will be overwhelmed with sorrow

In the end,
I try a superficial smile
And try to fool myself for awhile
But as much as I try
There is nothing left inside
Because everything in me
Can’t seem to come alive

a few simple words
ones that i have heard time and time again
but even still, i feel
like i've just been
force fed
shattered glass
its jagged edges
like mountain's ridges
tearing the back of my throat into ribbons
making my screams
into running streams
of crimson and carmine
except i'm not screaming out loud
because outbursts of emotion are not allowed
so i scream in the confines
of my own tortured mind
until i drown out everything else
until i am beyond help
until the only thing left behind
is the long, low-pitched kine
of an animal in pain
and i am living it again
because no matter how much i train
ptsd is still invasive
and my memories are still pervasive
it's just that they're usually dormant
not giving rise to this caliber of torment
when my own mind holds the .45
how the hell am i supposed to stay alive?

i keep trying to write about you
and so far all these poems have turned out terrible
i can't begin to fathom why
because the way you make me feel
should be providing me with great material
but no matter how i try
i just can't seem to find the right words
so i'm left staring at a blank page
frustration in my veins
just wishing i had the courage
to tell you how i feel

how i'm... addicted to the way you laugh
at all my jokes, even the terrible ones
how your eyes remind me of aquamarine some days
and the storm-tossed sea on others
but they always take my breath away
how your opinions mean so much to me
i'd change the universe for you if i could
because i think that highly of you
and hope someday, maybe, i'll be worthy of your notice

i don't know what it is about you
but you've brightened my worst days
and eased my heaviest burdens
just
by being
you

i hope that someday
i can do the same for you
because people like you are few
and far between
and life has taught me to appreciate
the qualities in you i've seen

you are my greatest weakness
at this moment in time and space
but i think there's a chance that if you just take my hand
you might become my greatest strength

i don't know if you see me that way
- you're, like, the one person i can't read -
but even if friends is all we're ever destined to be
i promise, i'm going to stay
you're worth so much more to me
than just a potential romantic fantasy
and that's what makes you so amazing
it's the fact that you're gazing
out at the same ocean that i am
underneath the same sky
because, for some reason,
you were meant
to be in
my life

it has been in vain
all my efforts come to naught
because no matter how much i struggle
all it does is tighten the knot     in the noose that is looped 'round my neck
and further my development into this train wreck     of a person
who can barely manage
to get up and fake it through one more day
when all she wants is to sit down and say
i am done
i give up
i am clearly not enough
     i couldn't cut it
i didn't make it
i never thought it would be this tough
but failure has never been something that i handled well
and these events are to me nothing more than a bell
tone that signals the end of the death knell
that will sound for me at the end of my struggle

because no one will ever be as ******* me as i am
or as cruel as the thoughts in my own head
and as anxiety swarms, planning its next attack
i am still trying to recover from its first blow
the one that hit me like an all-star fullback
falling just short of a true death blow
because ending my misery is not in the nature
of the cruelest mental illness whose nomenclature
does not do justice to all its wicked wiles
nor explains truly how twisted and vile
it is to have the voices in your own head turn against you
and seek to break you down
no matter what you do